Steadfast In My Faith

Recently, a friend said to me that perhaps my faith was being tested. And my response was that my faith has been tested enough thank you. And that is one thing I know for certain that has come out of my grief. I am steadfast in my faith. I know for many when they lose their spouse they question God. They wonder how could God let this happen. How could God let them suffer so. But I remember a very specific conversation with Jared. We were discussing our faith and how God has a plan. A plan for each of us. And that when we finish God's plan, our reward is that we get to go home to heaven. That conversation helped me not question my faith.

When Jared got really sick and we knew there wasn't going to be a miracle, I remember I said to him why you? Why you? And he looked at me and said why not me? What makes me so special that I shouldn't go through this? What makes me so special that I should be spared and someone else die?  And that is something I have carried with me everyday since. Jared never once questioned God. He never once blamed Him. And his faith has been an inspiration for me.

So on that final night, when Jared told me the angels were there to take him home, I tried hard to not be sad for him because he was going to his heavenly reward. And I trust that one day, when I finish God's plan for me, I too will go home.  I can't imagine surviving this unimaginable loss without my faith.  That doesn't mean I never questioned God.  I did, I have.  But I trust that God has a plan, a purpose for me.  I may not know what or why but I have faith.  Faith that God will see me through.  And even when I am tested, my faith will not waiver.  My grief strengthened my faith.  Showed me that on the darkest days, God carried me.  And now I think living a life of love and joy may be the biggest testament of my faith yet.