Like My Mother

That moment when you realize that you might be turning into your mother. And I know, that is not always a bad thing, but in this instance it is a terrifying thought. It was recently pointed out to me that in some ways in my new relationship I am acting like my mother. When my mom decided to marry my dad, I had absolutely no say. There was no discussion. No warning. One day she told me we were moving. And we moved in with my dad. And it was always obvious that he was her priority, not me. And in one sense I understood that as he was her husband. But it would have been nice occasionally to feel like I was the important thing in her life.

Last night I made a comment that as much as I love my son he doesn't get to dictate my life or my happiness. That sometimes I'm going to have to make decisions he does not agree with and that he may not be comfortable with but that I think our best. And I prefaced this comment with this may make me sound like a bad mother and the reply was your mother would think that makes you a good mother. And that was like a slap in the face.  But it was also a wake up call.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mother. She does so much for me and my son and I don't know how we would survive without her. And in my adult life she and I are wonderful friends. But as a child and a teenager living in her house, I often felt like I was an afterthought. That I was not a priority. And the thought that I could be treating my child like that turned my stomach. The thought that my son would think that my new beginning is more important than him breaks my heart. In my eyes they are equally important. I love my son more than anything on this earth. But I also love my new beginning. It is a different kind of love. And the two are not comparable. Yet they are equal.  And there are going to be times that my new beginning is my priority just as there will be times when my child is my priority.  

But I meant it when I said my child doesn't dictate my life or my happiness because someday he is going to grow up and live his own life.  And if I make him the center of my world, what will I do when he has his own life? But I didn't mean that he is not a priority. I didn't mean that he he doesn't get a say. I didn't mean that we will never discuss things. But now I'm thinking how does he see it? Does he feel like an afterthought? And what must Jon think? Does my new beginning think my child isn't a priority or that I don't think of his feelings?  That I only think of myself?

It's a balancing act.  And sometimes I can juggle like a pro and other times I drop the ball.  I feel like this is one of those times I dropped the ball.  But, thankfully, there is time.  Time to repair any damage and be more mindful moving forward.  Time to ensure my son knows how much I love him.  That he is a priority.  That his happiness is important to me. But at the same time, that he knows sometimes I will make decisions he doesn't like.  Because I am the parent and he is the child.

An innocent comment. That's all it took to make me think about this all day. To make it difficult for me to sleep last night. To wonder what kind of mother am I? To do a lot of soul-searching.  And I can't help but think a few years ago I would never have needed to worry about this. But I guess this is just one more step on my journey.  One more path to walk.  One more obstacle in rebuilding my life.  One more hurdle to jump as I rediscover joy and happiness.  One more milestone in keeping my promise to live and love again.