Today I woke up missing you, needing to talk to you. And then I realized it's the 16th. I haven't noticed the 16th for months, but today my heart did. Today is exactly 2.5 years since the angels carried you home. Since my world was forever marked as before and after. Since I held you in my arms as you took your last breath. Since I had to tell our baby boy that you had gone to heaven.
I'll never forget you looking at me and saying Carla I'm dying. I just thought you had accepted that you were dying, that you were never going to get better. I didn't realize you meant you were dying right then. I'll never forget looking at you and asking you if you were in any pain and you said no. Asking if you were scared and you said no. And then telling you what do you want me to do, just tell me what to do. And you told me to go get you a Xanax. I ran to the kitchen to get one for you and in that 30 seconds, you decided to take off your shirt and lay down on the floor. Why, I will never know. At first I thought oh no, did he get scared when I left? Was he trying to come get me and he fell? I can't even describe the guilt I felt for months after that. And through lots of counseling and prayer, I realized you were trying to protect me. You were trying to spare me from watching you die. There was no way you could have known that getting to say goodbye to you and watching the angels carry you home would bring me such peace and comfort over the last few years. I'll never forget when you looked towards the heavens and said Carla they're here, do you see them? And I kissed your head and told you how much I loved you, how very proud I was of you for how long you had fought, and how Steven and I were going to be okay. And then I felt you take huge breath. A deep breath that you had not been able to take in a year. And I knew then that I was watching your first breath in heaven. And as crazy as it sounds, knowing the angels carried you home that night has brought me much peace.
You would be so proud of Steven. You would be so proud of the young man he has become. He is kind, compassionate, and so full of life. He loves rugby. How I wish you were here to watch him play. He is excelling in school. Soon we'll have to start thinking about high schools, make a decision. I wish you were here to help us decide. He is a really amazing kid. He is definitely the best gift you ever gave me. I know sometimes you must look down, smile, and say that's my boy.
It has been a whirlwind time for me these last few months. But I know you know that. I am certain you had a hand in sending Jon to me. I wish I could tell you all about him. I wish you could see me smile again. Hear me laugh. I know that's crazy because if you were here, there would be no Jon. But I am so happy now Jared. And I know that is what you would want.
But no matter how happy I am or how much I love Jon, I will always carry you in my heart. I will always miss you. Wish you were here. But instead of regretting that we didn't get more time together, I am going to focus on the years we did share. On the love. The laughs. The adventures. And those memories will live on forever.
Thank you Jared for the foundation of love you gave me. I am going to do my best to love with all my heart and fully live this life. And I know you are saying “I never doubted you for a minute.”
Love,
Your Pretty Lady
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