Broken Faucet and Rabbit Hole

Tonight, Steven came out to tell me his bathroom shower faucet was broken.  And I knew I was the only person to fix it.  And I HATE that I am the only person in my house to fix that f***king faucet.  I don't want to do it alone.  I want him to be here to fix the damn faucet.  I'm not supposed to be a solo mom.  A team of one. This is not how I envisioned my life.  And just like that, I went down the rabbit hole.  And all because of a broken faucet.  

In two days, I will be going to my 4th Camp Widow. I love Camp Widow and can't wait to see everyone yet camp is in itself a trigger.  I go because I am a widow who needs advice from other widows.  And I need all the help I can get.  Help on how to be a solo mom. Help on how to support my child’s grief.  Help on how to balance dating with my grief.  Help on how to blend a family.  Help on how to navigate that rabbit hole which opens up because a faucet broke.

Dating brings it's own issues.  It's own grief triggers.  Yes, I am deliciously happy with Jon. But at the same time I miss Jared.  And that makes me feel guilty.  Dating, new love, and planning this future is new territory for me.  And for Steven. We have never done this before. It is uncharted territory.  And I can't help but think if I am struggling with finding balance, what must Steven be going through?  What must Jon be feeling?  Sometimes I find myself pushing him away because I'm afraid this will become too much and he will leave.  And that thought terrifies me.  In my heart, I know he won't but fear isn't rational.  I am hoping to get some answers, some resources, some support at camp this weekend.  Hoping that the widows who have walked this path before me can give me some advice.  Advice on how to build my future with a new love.  How to find the balance.  How to blend a family.  How to help my son cope with his grief. How to navigate the rabbit hole.

All this emotion because of a broken bathroom faucet.   And yes, I know the faucet isn't the problem.  It was just the portal that led me down the rabbit hole tonight.