Someday to Soon

I did a workshop at Camp Widow this weekend where we had to face our biggest fear.  And my biggest fears are forgetting Jared and Steven thinking I no longer love his dad.  Through this workshop I realized that I will never forget Jared.  Memories may fade but I will never forget his spirit or how he made me feel.  And Steven knows I will always love his dad.  He assured me of that yesterday.  I just have to let go of the fear.  By letting go of the fear, I can have a life of love and happiness.  I'm not betraying Jared.  I'm honoring him by sharing my love, by living my best life.  And I'm showing Steven that love shared is multiplied not divided.  And that it is OK to open your heart to new love.  That  loving someone new does not mean we are forgetting old love.  That we have enough room in our hearts to love new people while holding on to those who have died.

I also realized that holding onto everything that was Jared's is not necessary to hold onto our love.  That I will always have the memories.  And while some of the belongings are nice, I don't need all the stuff to keep the memories alive.  I also realized I don't want Steven to become so attached to Jared's things that he feels that is the only way to hold onto to his memories of his dad.  Yes, I want to make a quilt from Jared's clothes to have that tangible memory.  So Steven and I can wrap ourselves in his love. Yes, I want to keep many of Jared's mementos for Steven so he can have pieces of his dad's childhood.  And I want to keep certain things for myself.  But I no longer need to hold onto his medications or other items that bring up memories of the sad times.

And I learned it is OK to make room in my life for new adventures.  New love.  New experiences.  And that by inviting someone new in my life, I have the opportunity to share my memories of Jared. To share what a great dad he was.  To share how the love he gave me for 16 years shaped who I am today.  That by allowing myself to find new love, I am keeping my promise.  I am making Jared proud.

I also discovered that the word someday can be a crutch.  It is a word for a time that may never happen.  Saying I will do it someday is letting yourself off the hook for having to do it today.  Someday is a wish, a hope, a dream that may never come true. So I have decided to make today my someday.  And when realistically I can't do something today, I will set a timeframe for completion or at the very least say soon.  Life is a gift and is meant to be lived.  I am here for a reason.  I have a purpose.  And today is my someday to start living in the present and planning my future.

I feel like I made a huge step in my healing.  That I left Camp Widow more complete, less burdened.  Ready to step into life.   And I realized just how deeply I love my new beginning.  That I see my future with him.  I love that man. I want to shout it from the rooftops.   And I want to make our relationship official...soon!

And yes, it's crazy but I wish Jared was here so I could tell him all about it. Share my excitement with him.  Ensure he knows I'm keeping my promise.  But I know he is proud.  And I know he wants me to live and love.  And if it were possible, he would thank Jon for loving me. For taking care of me. He would want me to happy.  And I am. I am truly happy.  Who needs someday when I can love, live, and be happy today?