New Love

So I was asked that since I'm dating does that mean I am over Jared's death? And I must have looked at this girl like she was stupid. The answer is no. No, I will never be over Jared's death. I will always miss him. I will always love him. I will always wish he was here. I will always regret that our time together was cut short.  But, I made Jared a promise when he was dying. I promised to live. And I promised to love again.  I told him if he wanted me to love again he was going to have to drop someone in my lap so I would know it was meant to be.

And he did just that. He sent me someone wonderful. Someone who loves me for me. Someone who doesn't think my love story with Jared is baggage but instead thinks it's beautiful and is grateful that it shaped me into the person I am today. And understands Jared will always be a part of my future.  Someone who honors my past.  Someone who wants to be an important role model in my son's life but understands that Jared will always be Steven's dad.  Someone who is willing to share his child with me. Someone who makes me feel loved. Who makes me feel beautiful. Someone who makes my eyes smile. Who makes me laugh.  Someone who wants to help heal my heart.   Someone who knows there's room enough in my heart to love two men.  Someone I hope with whom I can build a future.

New beginnings do not erase the past. And just because Jared is dead, doesn't mean our love ends. My love for Jared will be woven into all the volumes of my future. And this new, wonderful man knows that. Accepts that. And isn't jealous of that.  It's difficult to explain but I wish Jon had been able to meet Jared. I think the two of them would have gotten along. I would like to think they may have been friends. I know it's crazy because if Jared were still alive, Jon would not be part of my life now.  My new beginning has said Jared must have been amazing for me to love him so much. I can't describe or put into words how it makes me feel to know this new, wonderful man honors my love story with Jared.

I thought I would feel guilty because I was dating.  But I don't.  I realize that jumping into new adventures doesn't mean that I'm betraying or forgetting Jared.  But instead, I am honoring him.  Living my life to the fullest, finding joy, making myself happy is exactly what Jared would want for me.  I'm certain he is proud of me.  And because of that, I don't have guilt.  Instead, I am looking forward to my future.  A future that has no boundaries.  A future full of adventures.  Full of happiness.  And full of love.