Moving is Emotional

I'm moving.

I'm really moving.

The reality of those words is hitting me.

On Monday, the packers and movers will be here to load my memories onto a moving truck. To pack up my life with Jared and put it into boxes.  To carry all my possessions to a new house.  A house that will never know Jared.  My heart will ache as I watch my home for the last 10 years become an empty house.  And tears will fall down my cheeks.

On Tuesday, I will hand over the keys to my house, the home I shared with Jared to strangers.  I will have to say goodbye to our home.  Our home where we made so many memories.  Shared so much laughter.  And said our final goodbye on that September night 3 years ago.  And tears will spill out of my eyes and down my cheeks.

I am really moving.  Everyday this week, I have thought this will be the last time I do this in our house.  Or next week I will be doing this is the new house.  So many memories of firsts in this house.  And now so many lasts.  The thought of closing the doors for the final time makes my heart sad.  Sad enough that I might not be able to fight back the tears.

I am really moving.  Starting a new chapter.  

On Tuesday afternoon, we will receive the keys to our new house. And I will watch the movers unload all my worldly possessions into a house that has holds no memories.  A house that symbolizes a new beginning.  A house that we hope to make feel like home. I'm excited to organize and decorate a new house.  To make it ours.  But as I place a special photo of Jared in our new home, a tear or two may sneak out.

I am really moving. And I fear that Jared won't make the move with us.  That I won't be able to feel him in the new house.   That the lights will no longer turn on and off when I need to know he is near.  I know it's an irrational fear.  My head knows he is always with me but my heart, my heart feels what it wants.  When I think that I may no longer feel his love, my heart hurts.  And tears well up in my eyes.

I am really moving.  Moving into the house that will become my home with Jon. Where we will start our life together.   Make new memories.  Build our family.  And that is exciting.  The thought of moving forward with Jon makes me smile.  

I am really moving.  So many emotions.  Some sad.  Some happy.  Some indescribable.  Change is hard.  Scary.  Exciting.  Monday and Tuesday will be emotional, hard days.  But my future, my future with Jon is exciting, bright. Moving like my widow journey is bittersweet.   And full of hope.

#teamjon

When the love of your life dies in front of you, your life is forever changed. You swear never to love again.  That your heart will never heal.  That you will never let yourself feel again.  To do your best to protect yourself from that kind of pain.

Yes, you go on about your life.  For all intents and purposes, living.  You go to work.  Take care of your child.  Hang out with friends and family.  But never truly feeling complete, whole again.  Yes you are happy.  As happy as you can be.  But something is always missing.  A part of you is closed off.  Protecting you from future hurt.

And then something amazing happens.  Someone comes into your life that makes you willing to risk being hurt again. Willing to open your heart.  Willing to take a chance on love.

At least that's what happened to me.  

At first I worried people would think because I was dating that I was forgetting Jared.  Leaving him behind. That I had stopped loving him.  And then I realised those that knew me and cared about me would know that wasn't true.  I could never forget Jared.   He will always be a part of me.  And anyone in my life would have to accept that.  My new beginning is just that person.  Our relationship quickly went from casual dating to planning forever.

And when I realized my relationship with Jon was getting serious, one of the hardest things was telling Jared's parents.  I wanted them to like Jon.  To know he loved me and Steven.  And that he knew how much we love and miss Jared. And that he wanted Jared to be a part of our life.  But I also knew telling them I was bringing someone new into our lives would be hard for them.  To hear. To see.  But they have handled it well.  Welcomed Jon.  Supported me. Continued to treat me like family.

My family and friends were happy for me.  But cautiously so. They didn’t want me to be hurt.  They worried about Steven.  But over time the caution has disappeared and Jon is just one of the gang.  Fits right in.  Making memories and sharing stories.  My friends even gave him his own hashtag… #teamjon.

A year ago, without any conscious thought, my heart decided to take a chance on love.  To open itself to joy.  To be willing to risk letting someone in my life again.  I will never forget the heart wrenching pain of Jared's death.  Nor will I ever forget the splendor of our life together.   Both of these give me a reason to live.  To take a chance on love.  To say yes to a future with Jon.

And I think Jared is #teamjon.

The Holiday Season is Hard

The holidays are such a hard time of year. During this time of year, I always miss Jared even more. I wish he was here to go to the pumpkin patch. To help Steven carve his pumpkin. To help scare the trick-or-treaters. I wish he was here to go on our Thanksgiving ski vacation. To have a snowball fight. To eat our non-traditional dinner. I wish he was here to help us decorate the house and put the ornaments on the tree. To go to mass on Christmas Eve as a family. To sing Happy Birthday to baby Jesus. To see the joy on Steven’s face as he opens the gift he so desperately wanted. To join in all the fun, traditions, and spirit of the holiday season. To share in all the things that he is missing.

This year there have been a lot of changes in my life. And I am moving forward in ways I could never have imagined.  But that doesn't mean that the ache for Jared is gone. This year I will celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with Jon.  But I will still miss Jared. People are not replaceable. Having Jon here to celebrate the holidays doesn't  mean Jared absence won't be felt. And as I sit and write my annual Christmas Eve letter to Jared and share with him my feelings and thoughts as the year comes to an end, I will thank him. Thank him for giving me such a solid foundation of love. Thank him for all the holidays that we did get to share together. Thank him for going along with all of my traditions without complaining.

As Halloween rolls into Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving turns into Christmas, and Christmas becomes New Year's, I will often think of Jared. As I watch Steven snowboard down the slopes I will think I wish his dad was here. As I put the ornaments on the tree and Jared's letter in his stocking, I will think damn I wish Jared was here. On New Year's Eve as the clock strikes midnight, I will think it's another year ending and a new one beginning.that will never know Jared.  But I will also enjoy the holidays for all they are now. Count my blessings that I have an amazing son and a beautiful bonus daughter.  Enjoy honoring old traditions and starting new ones with Jon.  Feel the excitement of getting to share that kiss with someone special at midnight.  And truly be thankful that I have been blessed with two endless love stories with two amazing men. And that just because Jared can't physically be here to celebrate the holidays, doesn't mean he won't be included.  

Yes, the holidays are hard. I am constantly reminded that Jared cannot be here to enjoy our traditions and celebrations. But I know that I will always carry him in my heart. That his spirit will be wherever I am.  That there will always be a place  for him at my table..  And that I can still honor him while celebrating the holiday season with Jon.

Giving Me A Daughter

So today I was thinking about how much my life has changed and how much it will continue to change. I went through a heartache I wasn't sure I could survive only to find out I am stronger than I ever thought possible.  And I learned my heart could expand and make room for a new love.  I certainly wasn't looking for love. I didn't even have any intention of dating again.  But then I met Jon, who I swear is heaven sent.  And I decided to jump not knowing if I would find love or heartbreak.  Loving Jon doesn't mean I love Jared any less. People are not replaceable. There's a part of my soul that will always be reserved for Jared. And Jon not only understands that, he respects that. But just because I will always love and miss Jared doesn't mean I'm not supposed to live. That I'm not supposed to love.  And by allowing myself to love again, I have opened myself to a whole new world of life and adventure.

A new world that now includes a teenage daughter. Let me just tell you that it's completely different than having a teenage son. It is going to be a steep learning curve for me, but I'm confident that I can do this.  Because I love this girl. And I love her father. And we are family. Slowly but surely we are finding our way to being a family. I was sitting here thinking how I get to be a part of everything of Steven's life. His football games. His school projects. His activities with friends. And I realized how much I’m missing out on in Alli's life. Because we live a thousand miles away I don't get to see her on a day-to-day basis. I see her one weekend every few months. And the occasional vacation.  Having such limited time together makes it that much more difficult for us to forge a relationship.  How I would love to be part of her daily life. Be there to see her get ready for the homecoming dance. Help her do her hair for prom. Hold her when some boy inevitably breaks her heart. Encourage her when she is afraid to try something new. Cheer for her at the Friday night football games when the band takes the field. Help her spread her wings and learn to fly.   Yes, she has a mom to do all those things for her but oh how I wish I could be there too.  Plus, I would like to think I could teach her different things, show her a different side of life then her mom or dad can.   And I'm certain there are things she is going to teach me. Lessons I am suppose to learn from her.

God brought Jon to me, our family together for a reason.  He is giving me a daughter.  My son a dad on earth.  And our only children a sibling.  And as we venture out to build a life together, make new memories, take new adventures I hope and pray that we all remember to live life to the fullest each day. To do our best to not take each other for granted. To open our hearts to love.  And to never be afraid to jump.  

Memories Don't Need A Box

Today we officially put an on offer on a new house.  Tomorrow my home will go on the market.  And while I am excited, my heart also hurts. Yes, Steven and I will be starting on an exciting, new adventure.  But at the same time we are leaving our home that we shared with Jared.  Jared lived in that house.  Jared died in that house.  Our home, the only one Steven has ever known. How can I just leave all that behind?  I know I'll never leave Jared behind.  His spirit, his memories, his love will always be with us.  But I can't help but feel like this is a goodbye of sorts.

I don't want to say goodbye again.  Last week I was at such peace, so confident in my decision.  Today I'm wondering if I'll actually be able to leave parts of my old life to start my new life.   And if I'm this emotional now what's going to happen when I start packing?  Touching all of Jared's things?  Walking up and down the attic stairs?  Putting our life together in a box?  Emptying the old house and filling the new?

Last night I took pictures of the chalkboard wall in Steven's room. That wall has 10 years of memories on it. Words he wrote when he was only five or six. Pictures that friends drew years ago.  Messages that his dad left  for him.  And as I snapped photos of the chalkboard wall, I thought we are really closing one chapter and starting another. Steven looked at the wall and said I can't believe tomorrow morning will be the last time I see it like this. Our lives are changing and just like his chalkboard wall, it's time to wipe off some of the old so we can make room for some new.

But as we venture out for our fresh start,  our old lives will always be a part of us. Jared will always be written into the future volumes of our lives.  Because no matter where we go or where we call home, Jared lives on inside us.  Our memories are Priceless Treasures  that will always move with us.  No matter where we go, our memories are certain to come along. As my wise son told me a few years ago when I was selling our Gainesville house “it is just a house, no one can take our memories.”  So I guess what I have realized is our memories don't need a box, they live on in our hearts.

Year of Change

This year has been one of many changes. And more changes are coming.  Change can be terrifying but it can also be rewarding.

One big change has been me opening my heart to new love. If someone had told me a year ago that and I would be honoring Jared with a new love by my side I would have thought they were crazy. But that's just what we did this year. On September 16th, Jared's angelversary, we gathered together to celebrate the man we will never forget. And Jon was right by my side. As I sat at the table and looked around, I realized this is what I wanted. I wanted to move forward, to live my best life, to love with all my heart. And it is my choice who gets to sit at my table.  Who is my family.  Who is my tribe.  I'm so grateful Jon loves me for me and wants to be a part of my crazy journey.

Part of moving forward and living my best life is making some life changing big decisions.  Deciding what is best for Steven and I now, at this point in our journey. I have been praying hard for guidance.  And I finally feel at peace.  Comfortable with my decision to sell our home and move to St Pete.  Closer to Steven's school and friends.  Decreasing my commute for work. We have been house hunting for the last 2 weekends and hands down I have a favorite new home.  Now to see if it is where God thinks I need to be.  Will it be easy to leave the home we shared with Jared?  No.  Easy to leave the only home Steven has really ever known? No.  Easy to leave my friends and support network? No. But we will take our memories with us.  Steven will have new adventures in our new house. My friends and I will still get together, distance won't end our friendship.  

Change can be so frightening. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. Fear of letting go.  But it can be so exciting to start something new.  This year has been full of changes.  I can't wait to see what other new adventures await me.

Surviving 3 Years of Grief

Saturday will mark three years since Jared went home.  Three years since I last heard his voice.  Three years since my world changed.  Three years since I held Jared in my arms as he took his last breath.  Three years since I watched his face as he realized the angels were there to carry him home.  Three years since I kissed him as he left his earthly home to join Our Father in heaven.  I have never felt so helpless. So lost.  So empty.  My world forever changed at 7:50 pm on September 16, 2014.  Life immediately became before and after.  I couldn't imagine surviving that night. Or the next day. Or the next week. Or the next month. And definitely not the next year. And yet, somehow, I have survived three years.

I will never forget the gut wrenching pain I felt that night and for many nights to come. I will never be able to erase Steven's sobs of heartache from my memory.  I will never again be the person I was before that night.  That girl died with Jared.   Now words like widow and late husband are part of my daily vocabulary.  Hearing my son say “I wish my dad was here” or “my dad lives in heaven” is part of our everyday life.  Jared's death forced me to create a new normal.  Figure out who I was and who I wanted to be.  Be both mom and dad to a grieving child.  Always be the disciplinarian and still try to be the fun one. And more often than not, feel like I was screwing it up.  But one thing I never did, I never gave up.  I never quit.  Somehow, somewhere, deep in my soul I knew I was going to be ok.

I drew strength from my son, my friends, my family, and my faith.  And I survived.  And in this last year I have learned to live again.  I have opened my life to new adventures.  My heart to new love.  And my soul to be restored.  And I know Jared would be so proud.  Proud that I kept my promise.  Proud that I am honoring him by living my best life. Proud of the young man Steven is becoming.  Proud of how we are keeping his memory alive.  Proud that I once again laugh and dance in the rain.

Yes, my heart has a permanent scar, a scar that reminds me of my love story with an amazing man.  A scar that reminds me that love was worth the pain. A scar that says live because he can't.  Three  years ago I wanted to die.  Couldn't imagine life without Jared.  Was pissed that the world didn't stop for my grief.  But today, my scars from grief remind me just how far I have come.

Three years ago I was forever changed.  Jared's death changed me in ways I could never describe. But it also forced me to grow and adapt. His love gave me the strength to move forward. And it has taken a while, a lot of hard days and harder nights, but I’m beginning to like the person I am now.  And as I continue to move forward and build a new life, Jared's love will always inspire me.  

Three years feels like forever and yesterday all at the same time. Not a day goes by that I don't love and miss Jared. That I don't wish he was here. What I wouldn't give to have him here by my side.  But I am comforted knowing he is sitting in heaven, holding my spot.  And someday, I will see him again.