Moving is Emotional

I'm moving.

I'm really moving.

The reality of those words is hitting me.

On Monday, the packers and movers will be here to load my memories onto a moving truck. To pack up my life with Jared and put it into boxes.  To carry all my possessions to a new house.  A house that will never know Jared.  My heart will ache as I watch my home for the last 10 years become an empty house.  And tears will fall down my cheeks.

On Tuesday, I will hand over the keys to my house, the home I shared with Jared to strangers.  I will have to say goodbye to our home.  Our home where we made so many memories.  Shared so much laughter.  And said our final goodbye on that September night 3 years ago.  And tears will spill out of my eyes and down my cheeks.

I am really moving.  Everyday this week, I have thought this will be the last time I do this in our house.  Or next week I will be doing this is the new house.  So many memories of firsts in this house.  And now so many lasts.  The thought of closing the doors for the final time makes my heart sad.  Sad enough that I might not be able to fight back the tears.

I am really moving.  Starting a new chapter.  

On Tuesday afternoon, we will receive the keys to our new house. And I will watch the movers unload all my worldly possessions into a house that has holds no memories.  A house that symbolizes a new beginning.  A house that we hope to make feel like home. I'm excited to organize and decorate a new house.  To make it ours.  But as I place a special photo of Jared in our new home, a tear or two may sneak out.

I am really moving. And I fear that Jared won't make the move with us.  That I won't be able to feel him in the new house.   That the lights will no longer turn on and off when I need to know he is near.  I know it's an irrational fear.  My head knows he is always with me but my heart, my heart feels what it wants.  When I think that I may no longer feel his love, my heart hurts.  And tears well up in my eyes.

I am really moving.  Moving into the house that will become my home with Jon. Where we will start our life together.   Make new memories.  Build our family.  And that is exciting.  The thought of moving forward with Jon makes me smile.  

I am really moving.  So many emotions.  Some sad.  Some happy.  Some indescribable.  Change is hard.  Scary.  Exciting.  Monday and Tuesday will be emotional, hard days.  But my future, my future with Jon is exciting, bright. Moving like my widow journey is bittersweet.   And full of hope.