Emotional Mess

The start of football season and the first day of school serve as reminders of what is missing and what can never be.  These days remind me that in a few weeks I'll mark another year off the calendar.  Another year of things Jared missed.  Another year of Steven saying I wish my dad was here.  Another year of being afraid of forgetting.  Another year of life continuing without him.   

And for the first time, I'll mark off that year with a new love in my heart.  And that just makes for lots of conflicting emotions. I've never done this as part of a couple.  And I don't have the foggiest idea how to do it.  I want Jon to know Jared. To understand that Jared's life and death will always be part of my life. To help me honor Jared's life.  And Jon wants to do that.   So why am I an emotional mess?

So many emotions.
Joy.  Sorrow.  Grief.  Love.  Gratitude.
Just to name a few.  

I'm trying to find the balance between my grief and my joy.  Juggle the bitter and the sweet.  Honor the life of my first love with my new beginning standing beside me.  Remember that because of Jared, I am able to love Jon so completely.  Let my heart feel whatever it needs to feel.  Because death does not end love. And time cannot steal my memories. 

Emotional mess or not, I have the tools to get through this current storm and come out stronger because of it.