Angelversary and New Love

As Jared's angelversary approaches, I find myself an emotional mess. I don't remember last year or the year before being as hard as this one. And I think some of the difficulty is due to the fact that I'm in a new relationship. I knew how to handle grieving for Jared when it was just me and Steven. But I have no idea how to handle it with a new love.

I want Jon to be here to comfort me.  To help me thru the difficult weekend.  To hear the Jared stories. To learn about the man who was my first love.  To join me on this widow journey.  But I'm also nervous that I won't know how to handle it.   That the weekend will be a disaster.  I'm not quite sure how to honor and celebrate Jared with my new love by my side.

How do I explain how much Jared meant to me?  That his love made me who I am today?  That his death changed me forever?  That the weekend is going to be one full of memories both happy and sad? That I will laugh and cry, possibly at the same time? That I'm going to be so focused on surviving that I may have nothing left to give?  That it is a day for me to feel what I feel without worrying about anyone else?

How do I handle all these emotions? How do I blend my past and my future?  I guess only time will tell.  But I know Jon loves and supports me so I'm confident I'll figure it out.  And the next time will be a little easier.  Hopefully.