Tomorrow is the day of love. And I am blah. Why? I have no idea. For the first time since Jared died, I have a reason to celebrate this day.
Jared was not big on Valentine's Day. He used to say it was a Hallmark holiday. But even though he said that, he always made sure we celebrated it. He made sure to give me something special to show how much he loved me. The Valentine's days after he died I was so lonely. A world full of couples and I was alone. My valentine was in heaven. There would be no flowers. No romantic dinners. No gifts of love. And it was hard. So very hard.
But this year is different. I have a new love and a new reason to celebrate. Plus, I have amazingly fun plans for tomorrow night. But yet here I am...feeling blah. Trying to find the balance between grief and joy. Figure out how to celebrate my new love without feeling guilty. How to handle the duality of new love and loss. How to fit into this new world while not forgetting the old one. How to live my best life moving forward while honoring my past.
I know I will be better tomorrow. The day before a holiday is always worse than the day itself. But these feelings will keep resurfacing. Every special day. Even plain ole ordinary days. And I'll have to figure out how to handle them. That's just part of the package that comes with being a widow.
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