Mother's Day is completely different without my husband here to help make that special breakfast, take Steven shopping for a special gift, or tell me this is my day to do whatever I want. Instead I will be taking Steven to the store to pick out a card, I will give him money to take me to breakfast (a tradition Jared started the last Mother's Day he was alive in 2014), and there will no resting tomorrow as things still have to get done at home. But one thing has stayed the same. Mother's Day dinner with friends where our children wait on us and the dad's cook the food. Of course Jared will not be there to help braai and that will sting my heart but Steven will ensure I am waited on during dinner and will tell me often that he loves me.
Being a solo parent is often overwhelming. There is no one to help. No one to give you support and advice. No one to say I got this, you go do something else. I have found I have less patience with my son in the last 19 months because I am the only one. I can't call his dad and say talk to him. I can't say we'll ask your dad when he gets home. I can't say your dad can help you with that. I can't ask Jared what he would do. Not to mention when my child is grieving and there is nothing I can do to ease his pain. When he looks at me with those sad eyes and says I wish my dad was here. Or he looks at me with such pain and says but you're not my dad. And he's right. I'll never be able to ease his pain of losing dad so young. I'll never even try to replace his dad. But I will love him with all my soul and do my best. And that is all I can do because I am all alone in this parenting plan.
Then there is the added guilt of being a working, solo mom. And sometimes having to choose my job over my child (like missing an event at school because I have clinic) because my income is the only one. No one helps us financially so I need my job. Fortunately, I have a good job and am able to support us, something many widows I have met do not have. But, should I lose my job tomorrow, what would we do? These are things I didn't have to worry about before Jared died.
The hardest part for me is making decisions on things we didn't discuss. Or worse, the things we did but given our new circumstances, the choice Jared and I made no longer seems appropriate. And then I feel as if I am going against my husband's wishes. But he is not here to discuss these things and I have to make decisions based on our current situation. I can only pray I am making the right ones.
Despite all our losses and painful changes, one positive change has happened since Jared died. Steven and I are closer. It has strengthened our bond. When Jared was alive, Steven used to say me and my dad. I often wondered if he somehow knew his dad might die early because everything was me and my dad even though Steven would ask me to join. Now he asks me to play a game of catch. He hugs me and tells me he loves me in front of his friends. He lays in bed at night and tells me all about his day. He'll ask me to tell him stories of his dad. He is a sweet, kind, compassionate little boy and I think some of that is due to his suffering and pain.
So as I celebrate Mother's Day tomorrow, I will be grateful for the greatest gift Jared ever gave me. I will count my blessings because I get to be Steven's mom. Of course, I will miss Jared. I will wish he was here. But we will talk about him and probably remember something he did on a past Mother's Day. There may be a few tears but there will also be love and laughter. And while I never wanted to be a solo parent and would give anything to have my husband back, I am blessed to have the opportunity to be Steven's mom.
Happy Mother's Day!! May every mom feel loved and appreciated tomorrow.
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