Turning 12

Friday my son will celebrate his 12th birthday.  His second birthday without his dad.


I vividly remember the day I had to tell  him his dad had finished God's plan and would soon be going home to heaven.  And I will never forget the night I had to tell him his dad had died.  I have never felt  so helpless or heartbroken as I did watching my child's heart break and not being able to fix it.  Delivering life changing news and then holding my son as he sobbed was the hardest thing I have ever done.

And now almost 20 months later, I am still helpless to fix his pain.  But surprisingly, he knows how to handle his own pain.  He cries when he needs to and shuts down when his heart needs to heal.  But the majority of the time, he is a happy kid.  He really is doing OK.

He is a smart, funny, loving boy who's dad died 20 months ago. He misses his dad.  He loves his dad.  He talks about his dad everyday whether it's to share a memory or wonder what Jared would think about something that happened today.

In many ways I can learn about grieving from him.  Cry when I need to, be alone when I need to, but most importantly remember to have fun and live.  Steven always says my dad told me he wanted me to be happy.  And for the most part, he is.

On Friday as we celebrate his birthday, Steven will miss his dad.  And he will wish Jared was here to celebrate. But, he will also have fun.  He will laugh and enjoy himself.  He will do just what his dad wanted...he will be happy.