Count My Blessings

As I lay here wide awake at 5 am listening to the steady rhythm of my son's breathing, I am reminded to count my blessings.

Sometimes when life has been difficult, stressful, and full of grief it is easy to focus on the negative.
To focus on the sorrow instead of the joy.
To focus on the bad instead of the good,
To focus on what's missing instead of what's present.

But in this early morning hour, I am reminded that while my life has had it's share of sorrow, it still has plenty of good.
A little boy I love more than all the moon in the skies and who loves me more than apple pie.
The ability to travel and make wonderful, new memories.
Wonderful friends and family who have been by my side  in my darkest and most joyous days.

Yes, my life has been difficult, changing, and downright sad in the 19 months since Jared died but it has also had moments of joy, laughter, and love.
Sledding with Steven as snow landed in our hair and laughing, really laughing.
Dancing for the first time and loving it.  I didn't realize how much I missed dancing.
Sitting around the firepit with people I love enjoying each other's company.

And despite the laughter, love, and joy, I still miss Jared.  But I know he is never far.
Like Thanksgiving when my dear friend made a star to honor him and left a place setting out to remind us that Jared is always welcome at her table.
Like the CF rides, Breathing for Jared fundraisers, and Green and Blue Day when so many helped honor Jared's memory.
Like when I heard his voice plain as day driving that snowmobile through the continental divide.

So this morning as I thank God for this little boy sleeping beside me I am reminded of my numerous blessings.
Does that mean I forget the sorrow? No.
Does that mean I am over my grief? Not by a long shot.
Does it mean that I realize that every new adventure is bittersweet?  Yes.

And I am acutely aware that I must make a conscious choice to embrace life.
To realize life after death is bittersweet and that is ok.
To know that while I love and miss my husband, I still have a life to live.
To cherish all I have been given because life is to short not to do so.

So today, almost 9000 miles from home, I am counting my blessings.