Thank you to the man that came after

What do I say to the man who helped my heart to heal? Who showed me that yes, indeed I could love again. Who taught me that sometimes you need an anchor.  Who knows my heart is big enough to love two men.  Who holds me as I cry for another.  Who knows the grief is worse the days before than the day of.  Who wants to love and parent my son.  Who trusts me enough to love and parent his daughter.  Who knows it’s not going to be an easy road but still wants to make the journey. Who thinks I’m beautiful no matter what the scale says or the size of my jeans.  Who wants to grow old with me.  Who knows death does not end love. Who asks to not say till death do us part but instead says until we meet again in heaven.  Who knows my biggest fears and never uses them against me.  Who promises not to die because I can’t handle that.  Who loves me for the fact that I am honest, sometimes brutally so.  Who has brought such calm to my life.  Who has changed me for the better.  Who loves me unconditionally.

There are no sufficient words.  So I will just say thank you.  Thank you for all that you are. All that you have given me.  And all that you have helped me to become.  I’m not sure I deserve you.  But I promise to try and be the best wife I can be. Because I want to spend forever, however long that is, with you.  I love you!

Night Before My Wedding

When Jared died I swore I would never date again.  Never love again.  And certainly never marry again.  And then on November 19, 2016 I met Jon and before I knew it, I was falling in love.  Within a few months, I knew Jon was heaven sent and I was destined to spend forever with him.  Finding new love after loss brings so many emotions.  Emotions that cannot be explained unless you have been widowed.  When Jon asked me to marry him, I was filled with joy.  And when we decided to plan our wedding in only 11 days, I was filled with excitement.  And the night before our wedding, I was filled with so many emotions.  Love. Joy. Excitement. Sadness. Guilt.   I knew I wanted to marry Jon.  Spend forever with him.  But I also wished Jared could see how happy I was.  How much his love shaped me.  So I wrote the following...

As I lay in bed the night before my wedding to Jon, I can’t help but think of the night before I married Jared.  And how much has changed in 17 years.

I am obviously older.  And wiser.  I am not worried about the day.  Or the ceremony.  Or the guest list.  I am not focused on the wedding.  I am focused on the marriage. I am focused on building my future with a man God placed in my life.

I know we are not guaranteed tomorrow. And I hope I remember that each day and never take Jon for granted.  That we never go to bed angry.  That we can always talk and try to resolve our disagreements.   That we may always respect one another.  That we may always be honest and truthful.  That we always remember to laugh and find the joy in the journey.  That we may always make each other and our marriage a priority.

And I know death does not end love.  17 years ago I said I do.  I said until death do us part.  But guess what?  Death only parted us in the physical sense.  I still love Jared.  Always will.  Death did not end our love.  Tomorrow I will exchange vows with Jon.  And that brings its own set of emotions,  Guilt that I am moving forward and have found love again.  Excitement at starting our new life.  And sadness for all that wasn’t and can never be.  Sad that I no longer have the innocence of that bride 17 years ago.  Tomorrow I will become Jon’s  wife.  And yet,  I will always be Jared’s widow.

As I lay here thinking about tomorrow, I am grateful to have the chance to love again.  To share my heart and my life with someone.  To no longer be alone.  And because of the love I shared with Jared, the life we lived, and his death, I will be a better wife to Jon.

Christmas 2017 - One Of Change

This year we celebrated our 4th Christmas without Jared. The first one is blur.  It was just 3 months after Jared died and I just wanted to it to be a merry Christmas for Steven.  But I have very few memories of the day itself.   The 2nd one was hard.  I cried as I unwrapped all of our memory ornaments.  So much history with each ornament I hung on the tree.  But Christmas day itself was bearable.  Last year, Christmas was actually almost merry again. Yes, there was sadness but there was also joy.

This Christmas was one of change.  Jon and I are engaged and he was here to celebrate Christmas with us.  For the first time there was a new man in our family celebrating Christmas with us. And it was a good day.  One of laughter.  One of love.  One of family.

Yes, we missed Jared.  We spoke his name.  We filled his stocking with love.  We felt his presence as Steven and I opened our presents from heaven.  Jared will always be in our hearts.  No matter where we are or with whom we are celebrating the holiday.  But that doesn’t mean we can’t move forward.  Start new traditions. Make new memories.  Build our future.

As 2017 comes to a close and 2018 begins, I find myself reflecting on all the changes this year has brought.  A new love.  A new home. A new family.  More blessings than I can count.  I hope as we venture into the new year, I can focus on the good.  The joy.  The laughter.  I have finally realized I can’t control others.  I can’t control the future.  I can’t fix everything. I need to sit back and just relax.  Enjoy my blessings.  And next year when we celebrate Christmas, I am confident it will be exceptionally merry.

Splendor of Christmas

In two days, we will wake up to the splendor of Christmas.  To the magic of the holiday season.  To family celebrating the birth of Jesus.  And this year my family is changing.  Growing.

This year my past and my future will co-exist. Jon will be here and so will Jared's family. My two worlds sharing the magic of Christmas.  Remembering Christmas past.  Enjoying Christmas present.  Looking ahead to Christmas future.

Celebrating Christmas with Jon doesn't mean we are forgetting Jared.  Jared will still be part of our holiday.  Steven and I will write our letters on Christmas Eve to fill Jared's stocking with love.  Our presents from heaven are already under the tree. We will speak Jared’s name.  Often.  It just simply means we will be celebrating Christmas with our family.

We know that the most important gift this season is love. That those around the tree are far more important than the gifts under it. This Christmas we will rejoice in all the love we have been blessed to know.  To celebrate the joy of the season with those we love.

Family

Today I am thinking of my in-laws.  Jared's family.  And how hard it must be for them to see someone new in mine and Steven's life.  To see someone else where we all wish Jared could be.  Should be.

I want Jared's family to know they will always be my family.  Our family.  Always welcome.  Always wanted. I need them. Steven needs them.  He needs to hear their stories.  Feel closer to his dad by spending time with them.

I hope they know that being with Jon in no way diminishes my love for Jared.  I will always love Jared.  Miss him.  Wish he were here. Jared will always be a part of our family.  His name will always be spoken.  His stories will always be shared.  Just because he died doesnt mean he ceases to exist.  Jared will always be Steven's dad. He will always be my husband.  Jon will never replace Jared.  No one ever could.  And Jon doesn't want to.  Jon understands that Jared will always be part of our family.  He encourages it.  He often asks about Jared.  Mentions his name.  In his own way, Jon loves Jared too.

I know it's hard for Jared's family.  But I like to think Jared is happy for me.  For Steven.  I believe he wants us to love.  And to be loved.  Afterall, he made me promise.  And the best way I can think to honor my promise, honor Jared, honor his life is to live our lives to the fullest.  A life full of love and laughter.  A life full of joy.  A life full of family. Jared's family.  My family.  Our family.

To My Daughter's Mother

What do you say to the woman who shares her daughter with you.  Who lets you love her daughter.  Who is willing to let you be a part of her daughter's life  Thank you just doesn't seem enough. 

To my daughter's mom, I wanted to take the time to thank you for letting me be part of her life.  She is an amazing, beautiful, talented girl and it is my privilege to know her. To love her.  Please know that I will never try be her mom.   She has a mom.  A mom who loves and cares about her.  A mom she loves.  A mom whom I couldn't replace if I tried.  But I can be a woman who loves and cares about her.  Who respects her. Who wants only the best for her.  And I wanted to thank you for allowing me the opportunity to do that.  I feel honored to share my life with her.  Proud that I can be part of her family.  Grateful to have adventures with her.  I can only imagine how sometimes it must be difficult for you to have me in your life but I appreciate you looking beyond the hardships and allowing me to love our girl.

I don't have the same frame of reference to compare our situations.  My son will never call his dad's wife “mom.”  My son will never split his time between two homes.  My son will never take separate family vacation.  But I would take that over his dad living in heaven.  For him to be able call his dad, spend nights with his dad, travel with his dad.  But, unfortunately that is not our reality.  Instead, we are rebuilding our lives after our devastating loss.  Being a repartnered widow with a young child brings Its own hardships to navigate. 

One situation isn't necessarily harder than the other.  Divorce and widowhood each present with their own challenges.  Giving us different tool kits to navigate our current situation.  I hope that as time marches on, we will learn to successfully navigate this road our blended family is traveling.  And that we will continue to share in our girl's life, adventures, and achievements.  Thank you for making room in your life and your heart for me to love our daughter.

#thankyou
#choselove
#blendedfamily
#ourfamilyisslowcooked
#lovenotfear

Content Despite Stress

Moving.

Surgery.

Recovery.

Unpacking.

Just a few stress factors.

But surprisingly, I don't feel stressed.

I was so afraid of leaving Jared behind when I moved.   Of not feeling him in the new house.  But that worry is gone.  Our first night in this house, I felt him.  I dreamt of him.  Saw him smiling.  He is not tied to any dwelling.  He is wherever I am.  And he is happy for me.

The house will get unpacked, eventually.  Jon and my mom made sure my clothes are accessible, Steven's room is functional, and the kitchen is done.  The rest can wait until my recovery is further along.  

I wish I could fill each room of the house with Christmas decorations.  But I have accepted that I can't. And I'm not going to stress about it.  This year, the basic decorations will suffice.  Next year, the house will be a winter wonderland.  

I was so stressed before surgery.  Before moving.  But now that my surgery is over and I'm in the new house, my stress level has diminished.  My priorities are in the right place. And I feel peaceful.  Content.  Ready to build my future.