Splendor of Christmas

In two days, we will wake up to the splendor of Christmas.  To the magic of the holiday season.  To family celebrating the birth of Jesus.  And this year my family is changing.  Growing.

This year my past and my future will co-exist. Jon will be here and so will Jared's family. My two worlds sharing the magic of Christmas.  Remembering Christmas past.  Enjoying Christmas present.  Looking ahead to Christmas future.

Celebrating Christmas with Jon doesn't mean we are forgetting Jared.  Jared will still be part of our holiday.  Steven and I will write our letters on Christmas Eve to fill Jared's stocking with love.  Our presents from heaven are already under the tree. We will speak Jared’s name.  Often.  It just simply means we will be celebrating Christmas with our family.

We know that the most important gift this season is love. That those around the tree are far more important than the gifts under it. This Christmas we will rejoice in all the love we have been blessed to know.  To celebrate the joy of the season with those we love.

Family

Today I am thinking of my in-laws.  Jared's family.  And how hard it must be for them to see someone new in mine and Steven's life.  To see someone else where we all wish Jared could be.  Should be.

I want Jared's family to know they will always be my family.  Our family.  Always welcome.  Always wanted. I need them. Steven needs them.  He needs to hear their stories.  Feel closer to his dad by spending time with them.

I hope they know that being with Jon in no way diminishes my love for Jared.  I will always love Jared.  Miss him.  Wish he were here. Jared will always be a part of our family.  His name will always be spoken.  His stories will always be shared.  Just because he died doesnt mean he ceases to exist.  Jared will always be Steven's dad. He will always be my husband.  Jon will never replace Jared.  No one ever could.  And Jon doesn't want to.  Jon understands that Jared will always be part of our family.  He encourages it.  He often asks about Jared.  Mentions his name.  In his own way, Jon loves Jared too.

I know it's hard for Jared's family.  But I like to think Jared is happy for me.  For Steven.  I believe he wants us to love.  And to be loved.  Afterall, he made me promise.  And the best way I can think to honor my promise, honor Jared, honor his life is to live our lives to the fullest.  A life full of love and laughter.  A life full of joy.  A life full of family. Jared's family.  My family.  Our family.

To My Daughter's Mother

What do you say to the woman who shares her daughter with you.  Who lets you love her daughter.  Who is willing to let you be a part of her daughter's life  Thank you just doesn't seem enough. 

To my daughter's mom, I wanted to take the time to thank you for letting me be part of her life.  She is an amazing, beautiful, talented girl and it is my privilege to know her. To love her.  Please know that I will never try be her mom.   She has a mom.  A mom who loves and cares about her.  A mom she loves.  A mom whom I couldn't replace if I tried.  But I can be a woman who loves and cares about her.  Who respects her. Who wants only the best for her.  And I wanted to thank you for allowing me the opportunity to do that.  I feel honored to share my life with her.  Proud that I can be part of her family.  Grateful to have adventures with her.  I can only imagine how sometimes it must be difficult for you to have me in your life but I appreciate you looking beyond the hardships and allowing me to love our girl.

I don't have the same frame of reference to compare our situations.  My son will never call his dad's wife “mom.”  My son will never split his time between two homes.  My son will never take separate family vacation.  But I would take that over his dad living in heaven.  For him to be able call his dad, spend nights with his dad, travel with his dad.  But, unfortunately that is not our reality.  Instead, we are rebuilding our lives after our devastating loss.  Being a repartnered widow with a young child brings Its own hardships to navigate. 

One situation isn't necessarily harder than the other.  Divorce and widowhood each present with their own challenges.  Giving us different tool kits to navigate our current situation.  I hope that as time marches on, we will learn to successfully navigate this road our blended family is traveling.  And that we will continue to share in our girl's life, adventures, and achievements.  Thank you for making room in your life and your heart for me to love our daughter.

#thankyou
#choselove
#blendedfamily
#ourfamilyisslowcooked
#lovenotfear

Content Despite Stress

Moving.

Surgery.

Recovery.

Unpacking.

Just a few stress factors.

But surprisingly, I don't feel stressed.

I was so afraid of leaving Jared behind when I moved.   Of not feeling him in the new house.  But that worry is gone.  Our first night in this house, I felt him.  I dreamt of him.  Saw him smiling.  He is not tied to any dwelling.  He is wherever I am.  And he is happy for me.

The house will get unpacked, eventually.  Jon and my mom made sure my clothes are accessible, Steven's room is functional, and the kitchen is done.  The rest can wait until my recovery is further along.  

I wish I could fill each room of the house with Christmas decorations.  But I have accepted that I can't. And I'm not going to stress about it.  This year, the basic decorations will suffice.  Next year, the house will be a winter wonderland.  

I was so stressed before surgery.  Before moving.  But now that my surgery is over and I'm in the new house, my stress level has diminished.  My priorities are in the right place. And I feel peaceful.  Content.  Ready to build my future.

Moving is Emotional

I'm moving.

I'm really moving.

The reality of those words is hitting me.

On Monday, the packers and movers will be here to load my memories onto a moving truck. To pack up my life with Jared and put it into boxes.  To carry all my possessions to a new house.  A house that will never know Jared.  My heart will ache as I watch my home for the last 10 years become an empty house.  And tears will fall down my cheeks.

On Tuesday, I will hand over the keys to my house, the home I shared with Jared to strangers.  I will have to say goodbye to our home.  Our home where we made so many memories.  Shared so much laughter.  And said our final goodbye on that September night 3 years ago.  And tears will spill out of my eyes and down my cheeks.

I am really moving.  Everyday this week, I have thought this will be the last time I do this in our house.  Or next week I will be doing this is the new house.  So many memories of firsts in this house.  And now so many lasts.  The thought of closing the doors for the final time makes my heart sad.  Sad enough that I might not be able to fight back the tears.

I am really moving.  Starting a new chapter.  

On Tuesday afternoon, we will receive the keys to our new house. And I will watch the movers unload all my worldly possessions into a house that has holds no memories.  A house that symbolizes a new beginning.  A house that we hope to make feel like home. I'm excited to organize and decorate a new house.  To make it ours.  But as I place a special photo of Jared in our new home, a tear or two may sneak out.

I am really moving. And I fear that Jared won't make the move with us.  That I won't be able to feel him in the new house.   That the lights will no longer turn on and off when I need to know he is near.  I know it's an irrational fear.  My head knows he is always with me but my heart, my heart feels what it wants.  When I think that I may no longer feel his love, my heart hurts.  And tears well up in my eyes.

I am really moving.  Moving into the house that will become my home with Jon. Where we will start our life together.   Make new memories.  Build our family.  And that is exciting.  The thought of moving forward with Jon makes me smile.  

I am really moving.  So many emotions.  Some sad.  Some happy.  Some indescribable.  Change is hard.  Scary.  Exciting.  Monday and Tuesday will be emotional, hard days.  But my future, my future with Jon is exciting, bright. Moving like my widow journey is bittersweet.   And full of hope.

#teamjon

When the love of your life dies in front of you, your life is forever changed. You swear never to love again.  That your heart will never heal.  That you will never let yourself feel again.  To do your best to protect yourself from that kind of pain.

Yes, you go on about your life.  For all intents and purposes, living.  You go to work.  Take care of your child.  Hang out with friends and family.  But never truly feeling complete, whole again.  Yes you are happy.  As happy as you can be.  But something is always missing.  A part of you is closed off.  Protecting you from future hurt.

And then something amazing happens.  Someone comes into your life that makes you willing to risk being hurt again. Willing to open your heart.  Willing to take a chance on love.

At least that's what happened to me.  

At first I worried people would think because I was dating that I was forgetting Jared.  Leaving him behind. That I had stopped loving him.  And then I realised those that knew me and cared about me would know that wasn't true.  I could never forget Jared.   He will always be a part of me.  And anyone in my life would have to accept that.  My new beginning is just that person.  Our relationship quickly went from casual dating to planning forever.

And when I realized my relationship with Jon was getting serious, one of the hardest things was telling Jared's parents.  I wanted them to like Jon.  To know he loved me and Steven.  And that he knew how much we love and miss Jared. And that he wanted Jared to be a part of our life.  But I also knew telling them I was bringing someone new into our lives would be hard for them.  To hear. To see.  But they have handled it well.  Welcomed Jon.  Supported me. Continued to treat me like family.

My family and friends were happy for me.  But cautiously so. They didn’t want me to be hurt.  They worried about Steven.  But over time the caution has disappeared and Jon is just one of the gang.  Fits right in.  Making memories and sharing stories.  My friends even gave him his own hashtag… #teamjon.

A year ago, without any conscious thought, my heart decided to take a chance on love.  To open itself to joy.  To be willing to risk letting someone in my life again.  I will never forget the heart wrenching pain of Jared's death.  Nor will I ever forget the splendor of our life together.   Both of these give me a reason to live.  To take a chance on love.  To say yes to a future with Jon.

And I think Jared is #teamjon.

The Holiday Season is Hard

The holidays are such a hard time of year. During this time of year, I always miss Jared even more. I wish he was here to go to the pumpkin patch. To help Steven carve his pumpkin. To help scare the trick-or-treaters. I wish he was here to go on our Thanksgiving ski vacation. To have a snowball fight. To eat our non-traditional dinner. I wish he was here to help us decorate the house and put the ornaments on the tree. To go to mass on Christmas Eve as a family. To sing Happy Birthday to baby Jesus. To see the joy on Steven’s face as he opens the gift he so desperately wanted. To join in all the fun, traditions, and spirit of the holiday season. To share in all the things that he is missing.

This year there have been a lot of changes in my life. And I am moving forward in ways I could never have imagined.  But that doesn't mean that the ache for Jared is gone. This year I will celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with Jon.  But I will still miss Jared. People are not replaceable. Having Jon here to celebrate the holidays doesn't  mean Jared absence won't be felt. And as I sit and write my annual Christmas Eve letter to Jared and share with him my feelings and thoughts as the year comes to an end, I will thank him. Thank him for giving me such a solid foundation of love. Thank him for all the holidays that we did get to share together. Thank him for going along with all of my traditions without complaining.

As Halloween rolls into Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving turns into Christmas, and Christmas becomes New Year's, I will often think of Jared. As I watch Steven snowboard down the slopes I will think I wish his dad was here. As I put the ornaments on the tree and Jared's letter in his stocking, I will think damn I wish Jared was here. On New Year's Eve as the clock strikes midnight, I will think it's another year ending and a new one beginning.that will never know Jared.  But I will also enjoy the holidays for all they are now. Count my blessings that I have an amazing son and a beautiful bonus daughter.  Enjoy honoring old traditions and starting new ones with Jon.  Feel the excitement of getting to share that kiss with someone special at midnight.  And truly be thankful that I have been blessed with two endless love stories with two amazing men. And that just because Jared can't physically be here to celebrate the holidays, doesn't mean he won't be included.  

Yes, the holidays are hard. I am constantly reminded that Jared cannot be here to enjoy our traditions and celebrations. But I know that I will always carry him in my heart. That his spirit will be wherever I am.  That there will always be a place  for him at my table..  And that I can still honor him while celebrating the holiday season with Jon.