Cleaning Out The Garage

This weekend, Jon and I were organizing the garage and went through some memory bins. Inside I found childhood memorabilia, college momentos, and heartwarming memories of my life with Jared.  I found old cards, sticky notes, and signs that Jared gave me through the years. Holding onto those memories, literally holding onto those memories, brought such joy to my heart. And so many wonderful memories.  And surprisingly not one tear. Just a heart full of love.

And I especially loved that Jon wanted to hear all about my life before him.  Look thru my memories.   Laugh at some of the fashion trends.  Hear stories that reminded me why I loved college.  Appreciate and honor my love story with Jared.   And never once be jealous.

Jon knows I love him with my whole heart.  He also knows I love Jared.  And that neither love will end.  Jon told me one of the greatest things he has learned from me is that death does not end love.  How blessed am I that my new beginning is so kind, understanding, and not the least bit jealous? And that in his own way he loves Jared too.

Looking thru just a few of the memories of my 17 years with Jared made my heart swell.  So much love.  So much laughter.  So much life.   And there isn’t a bin in the world big enough to hold that.
Organizing the garage led to me having the opportunity to share my life before with my life after. To continue to love. To laugh. To live.  To bring my two worlds, my two loves together.

Instant Family

When Jon and I got married, our only children gained an instant sibling.  And we each gained another child.  We became an instant family.  And while the heart can always expand to love more, family by marriage is an adjustment for all of us.  But it also has amazing rewards.


It’s hard for our children to no longer always be the center of attention.  Hard for them to share their parent.  Hard for them to adjust to another adult being a parental figure.   Plus, they are experiencing sibling rivalry for the first time.  For the most part they get along.  Genuinely like each other.  But they have their moments.  Jon and I try to let them work out their conflicts. Try not to intervene.  Unless they break the rule and start being rude or disrespectful.  I hope they know that they are never in competition with each other.  That we love them both for who they are.  While it isn’t always easy for them, they are handling it rather well.

Jon and I have our own issues to tackle.  We have to adjust to being married while living 1,000 miles apart.  We have to find a balance between family time and us time.  We have to ensure that we are doing our best to give each child the time and attention they need.  Spend alone time with each of them.  Treat them the same with the same rules.  We definitely haven’t mastered it and I’m not sure we ever will.  But we are doing our best and learning as we go.

It is wonderful to see our children learn to think of themselves as brother and sister.  To see them laugh together.  Help each other.  Defend the other.  Work together to surprise Jon and I.  Form their own relationship.  In their own time.  Love each other.

I love having a bonus daughter.  Alli is good for me.  I enjoy our girl time immensely..  I’m looking forward to our relationship growing.  I just wish I had the opportunity to spend more time with her. And Jon is good for Steven.  Jon is a great dad on earth.  And I think he likes having a son. I’m grateful for the time they get to spend together.

Instant family isn’t easy.  But if you make the effort, put in the time, and just let it happen naturally it is so worth it.  We still have lots to learn, adjustments to make, and roads to travel but together we can do anything.

Death Affects Us All

Jared’s death affected not only me, it also affected Steven.  

There is no way his life could not be changed.  Watching your dad die is hard as an adult, unimaginable as a child.  Then top that with watching your surviving parent grieve and be sad.  How is a child supposed to understand and comprehend all those emotions?  Not just sadness and grief but also fear. Fear that your surviving parent will die.  Fear that that you will disappoint your deceased parent.  Fear that you will forget what your parent looked like or sounded like.  Fear that you will never know what your parent was like as child, or what the wanted to be when they grew up, why the picked a particular.  

That is why I try so hard to keep Jared’s memory alive.  To share stories of his dad with Steven.  To ask Jared’s friends and family to share their stories.  To make sure that Steven knows just how much his dad loved him. How proud Jared is of him.  To continue to include Jared in our holidays and events.  Have Jared’s picture in our home. To let Steven know it’s OK to be happy and sad at the same time.  That his dad would want him to be happy, Jared told him so. Ensure Steven knows he is not alone.  Hope that his loss will propel him to greatness. 

Death at any age is difficult to process.  Now imagine doing that as a young child...

Chance Encounter

How a chance encounter on a cruise ship lead to love and marriage.

On November 18, 2016 my mom, Steven, and I boarded a cruise ship for a Thanksgiving adventure through the Panama Canal. As we were boarding the ship, my friend Lynda called and wanted me to promise I would go dancing. In fact, she would not hang up with me until I promised that I would go dancing the next night. I had no idea that promise would change my life.

The following evening, on November 19th, I entered the Explorers Lounge. I sat at the bar and ordered a glass of wine. A man walked in and asked if the seat was taken. I told him no and he sat down two seats away from me. And we begin to chat over the empty seat between us.  The next thing I knew, my wine glass broke and my ring finger on my right hand was oozing blood. As I wrapped bar napkins around my finger, I realized I needed stitches.  I told the bartenders I need stitches but they just kept saying napkin. The stranger sitting two seats away from me finally convinced the bartender to call medical.  And then asked if he could walk me to medical.  I told him no, I could go on my own. And then he said I’m certain you could but I was raised better than that,  may I please walk with you? So he walked me down to medical.  When we entered the room, the nurse handed me a clipboard of paperwork that needed to be completed before I could be seen.  Since my injury was on my right hand and I’m right-handed there was no way I could complete the forms. So I looked over at Jon and asked him to fill out my forms. So a complete stranger who I had known for all of 15 minutes completed by medical history.  Two hours and a few stitches later, I walked out of medical to find Jon sitting there waiting for me. I looked at him and asked you’re still here? And he simply said of course. He then asked if I wanted to go get a drink. So back up to the Explorers Lounge we went.  We sat at the bar, had a drink, and then we danced. And talked.  And laughed.  And it was fun. So much fun!  We said good night and went our separate ways.

The next day, the ship was at sea and we happened to find each other. We each did our own thing during the day but after dinner we met back in the Explorers Lounge to dance. After that, we saw each other every day. We were even on the same excursion with our children. My mother, without realizing it, set us up on our first date. She and I had tickets for a five course lunch wine tasting and she was not feeling well. So she asked Jon if you would like to go with me.  And that date was just the beginning of many.

Our last night at sea, we exchanged contact information. After the ship docked in Fort Lauderdale, we stayed in touch and talked daily.  We made plans to get together after the holidays. I decided I would go to Texas instead of Jon coming to Florida. That way if we didn’t like each other or there was no connection, I could just come home. So on January 6, 2017 I boarded a flight for Texas. I decided to take a leap of faith.  Jump into this new relationship with both feet.  Trust in the magic of new beginnings.  And it was an amazing weekend. When I left on Sunday, I knew what Jon and I had was special. That it deserved a chance to blossom into an amazing relationship.

And thus began our long-distance courtship. Our frequent trips to see each other. Our love story. I had no idea when I boarded that cruise that I was going to meet my future husband. God had a plan. Of that I am certain. And I will be forever thankful that He put Jon and I on that same ship.  In that same lounge.  And that He used a wine glass to ensure that we would spend time together.  The stitches were totally worth finding my  new beginning.

Nothing But Love

When Jared died, my whole world fell apart. I certainly did not know who I was or who I wanted to be. I had no idea what my life was supposed to look like without him. I had no idea how I was supposed to survive.  But I did survive. I took the time to grieve. To feel the true pain and heartache that comes from unexplainable grief. I took the time to find out who I was and who I wanted to be in the future. I dug down deep and pulled myself up.  I used my grief to give me a new purpose. To not just survive but to grab life by the horns and live.

And then something amazing happened.  I met a man for whom I didn't even know I was looking.  I had no idea I was ready to date. The thought had never even entered my mind. Then a chance encounter led me to the man who would eventually become my husband.

Once again I was blessed with great love.  A man who understands that I will always love and miss Jared. A man who was willing to embrace my past and build a future with me.  A man who wants nothing more than to love me. To protect me. To see me happy.  For the rest of our lives.  A man who will hold me as I cry for another. Wipe my tears. Tell me it is OK to cry.  A man with whom I have found happiness. A man with whom I want to grow old.  Travel the world.  Have countless adventures.  A man whom I consider my anchor. Who calms my soul.  Who makes my eyes smile. A man I cannot my imagine my life without.

Am I scared? Absolutely.  The possibility of him dying terrifies me. The thought of having to survive that kind of grief again is unimaginable.  When my fear becomes too great, I find myself shutting down, pushing him away. And that is when he holds on even tighter.  Refuses to let fear win. Reminds me that he isn’t going anywhere.  And then I feel calm, peaceful.  Remind myself that even though life can be scary, risky it is meant to be lived. That without a little risk, life would be boring.  And life's too short to be boring. So I’m stepping out into my new life, with my new husband to take as many adventures as possible.  F*** you fear...I have a life to live!!  With a man who wants to share adventures with me. Who wants to jump with me.  Who wants to be my anchor and let me be his wings.

A chance encounter on a cruise two years after my world was shattered led me to the man who would become my partner in this crazy, fun filled, adventurous life.  And I couldn’t be happier.

Thank you to the man that came after

What do I say to the man who helped my heart to heal? Who showed me that yes, indeed I could love again. Who taught me that sometimes you need an anchor.  Who knows my heart is big enough to love two men.  Who holds me as I cry for another.  Who knows the grief is worse the days before than the day of.  Who wants to love and parent my son.  Who trusts me enough to love and parent his daughter.  Who knows it’s not going to be an easy road but still wants to make the journey. Who thinks I’m beautiful no matter what the scale says or the size of my jeans.  Who wants to grow old with me.  Who knows death does not end love. Who asks to not say till death do us part but instead says until we meet again in heaven.  Who knows my biggest fears and never uses them against me.  Who promises not to die because I can’t handle that.  Who loves me for the fact that I am honest, sometimes brutally so.  Who has brought such calm to my life.  Who has changed me for the better.  Who loves me unconditionally.

There are no sufficient words.  So I will just say thank you.  Thank you for all that you are. All that you have given me.  And all that you have helped me to become.  I’m not sure I deserve you.  But I promise to try and be the best wife I can be. Because I want to spend forever, however long that is, with you.  I love you!

Night Before My Wedding

When Jared died I swore I would never date again.  Never love again.  And certainly never marry again.  And then on November 19, 2016 I met Jon and before I knew it, I was falling in love.  Within a few months, I knew Jon was heaven sent and I was destined to spend forever with him.  Finding new love after loss brings so many emotions.  Emotions that cannot be explained unless you have been widowed.  When Jon asked me to marry him, I was filled with joy.  And when we decided to plan our wedding in only 11 days, I was filled with excitement.  And the night before our wedding, I was filled with so many emotions.  Love. Joy. Excitement. Sadness. Guilt.   I knew I wanted to marry Jon.  Spend forever with him.  But I also wished Jared could see how happy I was.  How much his love shaped me.  So I wrote the following...

As I lay in bed the night before my wedding to Jon, I can’t help but think of the night before I married Jared.  And how much has changed in 17 years.

I am obviously older.  And wiser.  I am not worried about the day.  Or the ceremony.  Or the guest list.  I am not focused on the wedding.  I am focused on the marriage. I am focused on building my future with a man God placed in my life.

I know we are not guaranteed tomorrow. And I hope I remember that each day and never take Jon for granted.  That we never go to bed angry.  That we can always talk and try to resolve our disagreements.   That we may always respect one another.  That we may always be honest and truthful.  That we always remember to laugh and find the joy in the journey.  That we may always make each other and our marriage a priority.

And I know death does not end love.  17 years ago I said I do.  I said until death do us part.  But guess what?  Death only parted us in the physical sense.  I still love Jared.  Always will.  Death did not end our love.  Tomorrow I will exchange vows with Jon.  And that brings its own set of emotions,  Guilt that I am moving forward and have found love again.  Excitement at starting our new life.  And sadness for all that wasn’t and can never be.  Sad that I no longer have the innocence of that bride 17 years ago.  Tomorrow I will become Jon’s  wife.  And yet,  I will always be Jared’s widow.

As I lay here thinking about tomorrow, I am grateful to have the chance to love again.  To share my heart and my life with someone.  To no longer be alone.  And because of the love I shared with Jared, the life we lived, and his death, I will be a better wife to Jon.