Becoming a Butterfly

Today my emotions are frazzled.  I am emotionally exhausted.  I just need to sort out my feelings.  Feelings that are intensified by grief.  In the last 24 hours, I have learned of three deaths of someone close to me.  And this has me taking stock of my own life.  I know just how quickly everything can change.  That life is an adventure meant to be lived.  That life is too short not to tell people how you feel.  Yet I have been hiding my own emotions for fear that my heart will be broken.  

Exactly a month ago, I met someone.  And he has helped me start living again.  Like a caterpillar in a cocoon he helped me blossom again.  Helping me feel emotions I thought were long gone.  Reminding me how it feels to have butterflies in my stomach.  Making me feel like a teenager experiencing first love.  And I am enjoying being spoiled.  Having someone text me just to say hello.  Call me at bedtime just to say goodnight.  Make me feel special again.  Yet, I haven't told him this for fear my heart will get broken.  For fear that sharing my feelings will make me vulnerable.  For fear that I will be rejected.

And I should know better than to live my life in fear.  I should know better than to let fear stop me from living.  Stop me from being honest. I don't want to look back and think I should have told him.  I don't want to have any regrets.  But I also worry because this is so new.  How can this be real?  Will it change after we see each other again in January?  What if he doesn't feel the same?  What if he doesn't want a serious relationship?  What if he doesn't want long term?  But if I never tell him how I feel, I'll never know. But that's the problem...I'm not sure how to express my feelings.  Not sure exactly what words best describe my emotions.  What exactly do I feel?  It's only been a month, how can I have such strong feelings already?  Are these feelings real or is it just wishful thinking?  

I guess the only way to find out is to jump into this relationship and see where it goes.  Buckle up and hold on for the ride.  I know this relationship will have it's ups and downs. It’s bumps in the road.  Some twists and turns.  It may be forever or it may be just for now.  But either way, I want to experience it.  I want to see where it goes.  I want to see how much I can blossom.  I want to see if this someone new is my someone right, my chapter 2.  I want to find out if my feelings are real.  If teenage lust can turn into adult love.  So I am going to say screw you fear and give this new romance all I got.  I’m going to come out of my cocoon and embrace life as a butterfly.  Here's goes, let's hope he reciprocates my feelings.  That he too wants to journey into the future...with me.

Facebook Status

Today I took a big step in my grief journey.

I changed my Facebook status to widowed.   In 5 days it will be 27 months since Jared died and it finally feels right to change my marital status.  While I will always love Jared, I no longer feel married.  My heart has accepted he is never come back.  That I am truly a widow.

I will always be Jared's widow.  Nothing will change that.  I will always honor him.  Keep his memory alive. Miss him. But, I know now I must move forward. Must cherish my past while building a new life for Steven and I.  Find a way to bring my two worlds together.   Start living life in color again.  Find joy so that my smile reaches my eyes again.  Teach Steven that because of our great grief, we can again find great pleasure in this life again.  That life is a privilege, an adventure meant to be lived.

Changing my Facebook status may seem like a simple thing but for me it is a momentous step.  Finally admitting to the world that I no longer feel married but instead will always be a widow.  That it is time to begin to truly live again while cherishing my past.

Today I took a big step in my grief journey.

Conflicting Emotions

Today is a hard one for me.  No rhyme, no reason just a bad day.  One of those days where I just want to cry.  One of those days where I need to talk to Jared, to hear his advice but of course I can't.  One of those days I need him to tell me it's ok.  

I have so many emotions.  

Sadness because it is another Christmas without Jared.  

Gratitude for all the Christmases we shared.  Joy because I am in a good place right now.  Sorrow because I can't tell Jared about my newfound happiness.  

Worry because this is all new and unknown and I cannot control it.  

Fear that I am moving too fast, too soon.  Angst over trying to make a new relationship work 1000 miles apart.  Concern that the man I'm dating is afraid to tell his daughter about us, despite his valid reasons.  

But surprisingly, I don't feel quilt.

I wish I could share this with Jared because I shared everything with him.  I wish he were here to meet Jon, I think he would approve.  Of course, if Jared were here, I wouldn't have met Jon.

What a conundrum…wanting to tell my late husband about my new love.  The life of a widow...conflicting, crazy emotions.

KO

3 weeks

Has it really only been 3 weeks?!?

3 weeks since a man literally sat down next to me and completely changed my perspective on grief and dating.

3 weeks since this man made me realize I want to be hugged and kissed.

3 weeks since I wanted someone other than my late husband to hold my hand.

3 weeks since I realized I could laugh, really laugh so that my eyes smiled again.

3 weeks since I realized just how lonely I have been for 26 months.

3 weeks since I realized I could be happy with this man and still love Jared.  In fact, this new man understands I will always love Jared.

3 weeks since I realized finding happiness with someone else doesn't lessen my love for Jared, love really does expand your heart.

3 weeks since I learned that someone can want me and not feel threatened by my past but instead actually want to know my grief story.

3 weeks since I went from saying I never wanted to date again to thinking I really hope my relationship with this man blossoms into something wonderful.

3 weeks since our first conversation and we talk for hours each day.

3 weeks since we met and I want to share my new found joy with the world but my practical side says take it slow, don't rush things.

3 weeks since our first kiss and I can't wait for him to kiss me again.

3 weeks since our first hello and surprisingly I don't feel guilty for wanting this relationship.

3 weeks since our chance meeting and sometimes he reminds me of Jared but I never find myself comparing the two.  This new man is wonderful in his own right.

3 weeks since I first felt butterflies in my stomach and safe in his arms.

3 weeks since I unconsciously decided to move forward with this new man and realized it was ok to be vulnerable to potential heartbreak.

3 weeks since he rescued me and already he is such a large part of my thoughts each day.

3 weeks  since we started on this new journey and I am a little scared by all the emotions and feelings I have and I can only hope they are reciprocated.

Has it really only been 3 weeks?!?

A Single Kiss

I kissed a guy and I liked it!!

I went on a cruise with my son and met a gentleman cruising with his daughter.  We met the second night after a wine glass broke on my hand and I required stitches.  He went with me to medical and it was nice to have someone offer to help me.  But that's a story for another night.

We spent every night and the afternoons together and it was so easy.  Nothing forced.  Nothing fake.  Just me being me and he is good with that.  Every night we danced.  And laughed.  And it has been fun.  He knows I am a widow and he respects that.  He knows he is the first man I have dated (not sure I can call this dating, but don't know how else to label it ) since Jared died and he was nothing but respectful.  He asked questions about Jared and said he was thankful I had such a great love and that my love story and my grief journey made me who I am. He actually thanked me for trusting him and letting him in.

One night, he asked if we could walk the deck. And I was thinking he might try to kiss me.   I was hoping he would.  The first time I have wanted to be held or kissed by another man in 2 years.  And he did kiss me.  And it was great.  And that shocked me.  But most importantly, it made me realize that I am in a new place in my grief journey.  I no longer want to be alone.  I want companionship.  I want to find love again.  I learned all that from a single kiss.

If someone had told me 2 weeks ago that I would meet someone on vacation, someone that could make my heart race, someone who I looked forward to seeing everyday, someone who made me smile, I would have laughed.  But it happened.

No Longer Counting Months

At the end of October, I realized that October 16th passed and I didn't even notice.  For the first time since Jared died, I didn't notice the date.  It didn't register that it was 25 months since Jared went home.  And at first I felt guilty.  How could I let the 16th of a month pass and not even notice?  How could I just stop counting the months since my love had earned his wings?  Then I realized it was because I no longer needed to count the months.  I am healing.  I realized my new life was blossoming and I was finally starting to accept that.  

I remember the first Tuesday that wasn't terrible.  You see, Jared died on a Tuesday and I hated every Tuesday after that for months.  The first Tuesday that wasn't awful caught me completely by surprise.  I wasn't prepared to stop hating Tuesdays yet but I guess my soul was. And now, the 16th of the month didn't send me over the cliff of grief.   I am surprised at far I have come in 2 years.  I know to some you are thinking about time and others are saying already.  I have learned that no one knows my grief journey but me and that I can't try to please others.  Instead I have to focus on healing myself.  I have to trust in God's plan for me and that His plan includes moving forward and living a new life just as full of adventures as before.

Accepting my new life does not mean I will forget Jared. It doesn't mean that I will stop celebrating his birthday.  It doesn't mean that I will stop honoring his life.  It doesn't mean that my heart will forget the pain of September 16th.   I will always love Jared.  I will always wish he was still here with us.  I will always say Jared would have loved this or I wish Jared could see this.  Moving forward and making a new life doesn't mean I will forget my old life.  Life will forever be marked as before and after.   My heart will always have a scar and have a section reserved just for Jared.  My soul will always remember him and how his love made me feel.  His love made me who I am today.  His love gave me the strength to continue when I wanted to die.  His love encourages me to continue making each day count.  His love for me will shape my future.  Our love will always be a part of my story.  

As I embark on this new life I am nervous. I am scared.  This is uncharted territory.  I have no road map for this trip to my future. I know Jared will be with me and gently nudge me in the right direction.  Our love will guide me.  And when I stumble and fall, Jared will laugh his mischievous laugh and tell me to get back up and keep going.  This new ride isn't going to be a smooth one but I hope I am ready for bumps as well as the twists and turns.

Who knew no longer counting the days on the calendar could mean so much?

Thanksgiving Traditions

It has always been our tradition to travel for Thanksgiving. Instead of the traditional Thanksgiving dinner, we have local cuisine. Thanksgiving 2014 was 2 months after my husband passed away. We had planned a trip to Costa Rica for Thanksgiving but unfortunately Jared passed away in September. The trip was already planned and paid for but I told my son I thought we should stay home.  I didn't think I could take the trip without my husband. But my son really wanted to go, he truly believed my husband would not want us to stay home. Packing for the trip was so very difficult. I remember calling a girl friend and telling her I just couldn't do it. And she said, very wisely, whether you go or stay home it's going to be hard. So we went.  And on Thanksgiving,  I forced myself to write a gratitude list so I could see all my blessings in the midst of my grief.  My son was right, it was exactly what my husband would have wanted us to do.

Last year, we decided to stay home.  We celebrated Thanksgiving with friends who are like family and they were so sweet and left a place setting at the table for Jared. So that we would all know he is still part of us and that his memory is always welcome.  And it was a wonderful day.  It was a perfect way to celebrate a day of gratitude while remembering Jared.

But this year we will honor our tradition of traveling over Thanksgiving by taking a cruise through the Panama Canal. While we enjoyed being home last year and celebrating with our friends, for us Thanksgiving equals travel. So we're going to continue our tradition of traveling some place new, eating local cuisine, and making lots of wonderful memories.  All while remembering past Thanksgivings.

Making new memories.  

Honoring old traditions.  

Giving thanks.

Living life.

Keeping Jared's spirit alive.

Happy Thanksgiving.