At the end of October, I realized that October 16th passed and I didn't even notice. For the first time since Jared died, I didn't notice the date. It didn't register that it was 25 months since Jared went home. And at first I felt guilty. How could I let the 16th of a month pass and not even notice? How could I just stop counting the months since my love had earned his wings? Then I realized it was because I no longer needed to count the months. I am healing. I realized my new life was blossoming and I was finally starting to accept that.
I remember the first Tuesday that wasn't terrible. You see, Jared died on a Tuesday and I hated every Tuesday after that for months. The first Tuesday that wasn't awful caught me completely by surprise. I wasn't prepared to stop hating Tuesdays yet but I guess my soul was. And now, the 16th of the month didn't send me over the cliff of grief. I am surprised at far I have come in 2 years. I know to some you are thinking about time and others are saying already. I have learned that no one knows my grief journey but me and that I can't try to please others. Instead I have to focus on healing myself. I have to trust in God's plan for me and that His plan includes moving forward and living a new life just as full of adventures as before.
Accepting my new life does not mean I will forget Jared. It doesn't mean that I will stop celebrating his birthday. It doesn't mean that I will stop honoring his life. It doesn't mean that my heart will forget the pain of September 16th. I will always love Jared. I will always wish he was still here with us. I will always say Jared would have loved this or I wish Jared could see this. Moving forward and making a new life doesn't mean I will forget my old life. Life will forever be marked as before and after. My heart will always have a scar and have a section reserved just for Jared. My soul will always remember him and how his love made me feel. His love made me who I am today. His love gave me the strength to continue when I wanted to die. His love encourages me to continue making each day count. His love for me will shape my future. Our love will always be a part of my story.
As I embark on this new life I am nervous. I am scared. This is uncharted territory. I have no road map for this trip to my future. I know Jared will be with me and gently nudge me in the right direction. Our love will guide me. And when I stumble and fall, Jared will laugh his mischievous laugh and tell me to get back up and keep going. This new ride isn't going to be a smooth one but I hope I am ready for bumps as well as the twists and turns.
Who knew no longer counting the days on the calendar could mean so much?
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