Conflicting Emotions

Today is a hard one for me.  No rhyme, no reason just a bad day.  One of those days where I just want to cry.  One of those days where I need to talk to Jared, to hear his advice but of course I can't.  One of those days I need him to tell me it's ok.  

I have so many emotions.  

Sadness because it is another Christmas without Jared.  

Gratitude for all the Christmases we shared.  Joy because I am in a good place right now.  Sorrow because I can't tell Jared about my newfound happiness.  

Worry because this is all new and unknown and I cannot control it.  

Fear that I am moving too fast, too soon.  Angst over trying to make a new relationship work 1000 miles apart.  Concern that the man I'm dating is afraid to tell his daughter about us, despite his valid reasons.  

But surprisingly, I don't feel quilt.

I wish I could share this with Jared because I shared everything with him.  I wish he were here to meet Jon, I think he would approve.  Of course, if Jared were here, I wouldn't have met Jon.

What a conundrum…wanting to tell my late husband about my new love.  The life of a widow...conflicting, crazy emotions.

KO

3 weeks

Has it really only been 3 weeks?!?

3 weeks since a man literally sat down next to me and completely changed my perspective on grief and dating.

3 weeks since this man made me realize I want to be hugged and kissed.

3 weeks since I wanted someone other than my late husband to hold my hand.

3 weeks since I realized I could laugh, really laugh so that my eyes smiled again.

3 weeks since I realized just how lonely I have been for 26 months.

3 weeks since I realized I could be happy with this man and still love Jared.  In fact, this new man understands I will always love Jared.

3 weeks since I realized finding happiness with someone else doesn't lessen my love for Jared, love really does expand your heart.

3 weeks since I learned that someone can want me and not feel threatened by my past but instead actually want to know my grief story.

3 weeks since I went from saying I never wanted to date again to thinking I really hope my relationship with this man blossoms into something wonderful.

3 weeks since our first conversation and we talk for hours each day.

3 weeks since we met and I want to share my new found joy with the world but my practical side says take it slow, don't rush things.

3 weeks since our first kiss and I can't wait for him to kiss me again.

3 weeks since our first hello and surprisingly I don't feel guilty for wanting this relationship.

3 weeks since our chance meeting and sometimes he reminds me of Jared but I never find myself comparing the two.  This new man is wonderful in his own right.

3 weeks since I first felt butterflies in my stomach and safe in his arms.

3 weeks since I unconsciously decided to move forward with this new man and realized it was ok to be vulnerable to potential heartbreak.

3 weeks since he rescued me and already he is such a large part of my thoughts each day.

3 weeks  since we started on this new journey and I am a little scared by all the emotions and feelings I have and I can only hope they are reciprocated.

Has it really only been 3 weeks?!?

A Single Kiss

I kissed a guy and I liked it!!

I went on a cruise with my son and met a gentleman cruising with his daughter.  We met the second night after a wine glass broke on my hand and I required stitches.  He went with me to medical and it was nice to have someone offer to help me.  But that's a story for another night.

We spent every night and the afternoons together and it was so easy.  Nothing forced.  Nothing fake.  Just me being me and he is good with that.  Every night we danced.  And laughed.  And it has been fun.  He knows I am a widow and he respects that.  He knows he is the first man I have dated (not sure I can call this dating, but don't know how else to label it ) since Jared died and he was nothing but respectful.  He asked questions about Jared and said he was thankful I had such a great love and that my love story and my grief journey made me who I am. He actually thanked me for trusting him and letting him in.

One night, he asked if we could walk the deck. And I was thinking he might try to kiss me.   I was hoping he would.  The first time I have wanted to be held or kissed by another man in 2 years.  And he did kiss me.  And it was great.  And that shocked me.  But most importantly, it made me realize that I am in a new place in my grief journey.  I no longer want to be alone.  I want companionship.  I want to find love again.  I learned all that from a single kiss.

If someone had told me 2 weeks ago that I would meet someone on vacation, someone that could make my heart race, someone who I looked forward to seeing everyday, someone who made me smile, I would have laughed.  But it happened.

No Longer Counting Months

At the end of October, I realized that October 16th passed and I didn't even notice.  For the first time since Jared died, I didn't notice the date.  It didn't register that it was 25 months since Jared went home.  And at first I felt guilty.  How could I let the 16th of a month pass and not even notice?  How could I just stop counting the months since my love had earned his wings?  Then I realized it was because I no longer needed to count the months.  I am healing.  I realized my new life was blossoming and I was finally starting to accept that.  

I remember the first Tuesday that wasn't terrible.  You see, Jared died on a Tuesday and I hated every Tuesday after that for months.  The first Tuesday that wasn't awful caught me completely by surprise.  I wasn't prepared to stop hating Tuesdays yet but I guess my soul was. And now, the 16th of the month didn't send me over the cliff of grief.   I am surprised at far I have come in 2 years.  I know to some you are thinking about time and others are saying already.  I have learned that no one knows my grief journey but me and that I can't try to please others.  Instead I have to focus on healing myself.  I have to trust in God's plan for me and that His plan includes moving forward and living a new life just as full of adventures as before.

Accepting my new life does not mean I will forget Jared. It doesn't mean that I will stop celebrating his birthday.  It doesn't mean that I will stop honoring his life.  It doesn't mean that my heart will forget the pain of September 16th.   I will always love Jared.  I will always wish he was still here with us.  I will always say Jared would have loved this or I wish Jared could see this.  Moving forward and making a new life doesn't mean I will forget my old life.  Life will forever be marked as before and after.   My heart will always have a scar and have a section reserved just for Jared.  My soul will always remember him and how his love made me feel.  His love made me who I am today.  His love gave me the strength to continue when I wanted to die.  His love encourages me to continue making each day count.  His love for me will shape my future.  Our love will always be a part of my story.  

As I embark on this new life I am nervous. I am scared.  This is uncharted territory.  I have no road map for this trip to my future. I know Jared will be with me and gently nudge me in the right direction.  Our love will guide me.  And when I stumble and fall, Jared will laugh his mischievous laugh and tell me to get back up and keep going.  This new ride isn't going to be a smooth one but I hope I am ready for bumps as well as the twists and turns.

Who knew no longer counting the days on the calendar could mean so much?

Thanksgiving Traditions

It has always been our tradition to travel for Thanksgiving. Instead of the traditional Thanksgiving dinner, we have local cuisine. Thanksgiving 2014 was 2 months after my husband passed away. We had planned a trip to Costa Rica for Thanksgiving but unfortunately Jared passed away in September. The trip was already planned and paid for but I told my son I thought we should stay home.  I didn't think I could take the trip without my husband. But my son really wanted to go, he truly believed my husband would not want us to stay home. Packing for the trip was so very difficult. I remember calling a girl friend and telling her I just couldn't do it. And she said, very wisely, whether you go or stay home it's going to be hard. So we went.  And on Thanksgiving,  I forced myself to write a gratitude list so I could see all my blessings in the midst of my grief.  My son was right, it was exactly what my husband would have wanted us to do.

Last year, we decided to stay home.  We celebrated Thanksgiving with friends who are like family and they were so sweet and left a place setting at the table for Jared. So that we would all know he is still part of us and that his memory is always welcome.  And it was a wonderful day.  It was a perfect way to celebrate a day of gratitude while remembering Jared.

But this year we will honor our tradition of traveling over Thanksgiving by taking a cruise through the Panama Canal. While we enjoyed being home last year and celebrating with our friends, for us Thanksgiving equals travel. So we're going to continue our tradition of traveling some place new, eating local cuisine, and making lots of wonderful memories.  All while remembering past Thanksgivings.

Making new memories.  

Honoring old traditions.  

Giving thanks.

Living life.

Keeping Jared's spirit alive.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Even In Grief, New Life Blossoms

When Jared died, my entire world changed. It doesn't mean that my world can't be good, or that I can't be happy, or have a life filled with joy.  It just means my world has changed. But until you have gone through this kind of loss, you can never understand how that loss truly changes your life.

In many ways I am the same person I was before Jared died but in some ways I have changed. And not everyone likes those changes. And that is ok. But what many do not understand, and cannot understand until you are walking this unimaginable journey, is how much the death of your spouse truly changes your entire world. The day Jared died, the world as I knew it stopped. But for my friends and family their world kept on spinning.  Because they have never walked in my shoes, my friends and family cannot understand just how truly devastating his death was to me. The night of Jared's death i went to bed alone. The morning after Jared's death I woke up all alone. I suddenly had a late husband and was a single mother. For my friends and family, they went to bed snuggled next to their spouses thanking God they didn't know how I felt. They woke up the next morning and their life was as it was the night before.

I used to wonder how does everyone keep on living, acting like nothing is different when my whole world has been shattered.  When Jared died, our friends and family were heartbroken too. But Jared's death did not impact them in the same way it did me. It couldn't. For them his death did not alter their whole world. They were sad and they missed him but their family was still intact. Mine was forever changed.  While they miss him, their daily life was not affected in the same way. Yes, Jared is no longer there to attend their parties.  He is no longer there to hang out with and laugh. He is no longer there to harass their children. But for them seeing Jared was a weekly or monthly occurrence. For me it was every day all day. So there is no way his death could have the same impact on their lives. And it took me awhile to realize that.  And now I understand that as much as they love and miss Jared, his death did not shatter their world the way it shattered mine.

I lost my future. I lost the love of my life. I lost the father of my child. While I continue to live and do my best to create a new normal, there's always a hole in my world.  An empty space that is deeply felt, felt on a daily basis. And while my family and friends miss Jared, they do not feel the same constant loss. And I'm thankful for that for this is not a journey I would wish on my worst enemy.

I used to wonder how does everyone keep on living, acting like nothing is different when my whole world has been shattered. And now I understand that until you've experienced a loss of this magnitude, you truly have no idea what it feels like or the impact it has on your life.  So when I get upset that my friends or family don't understand, I try to remember it's because they can't. They can't even imagine having their world shattered the way mine was. They can't even imagine life without their significant other. They can't imagine the grief of losing their spouse.  So when I am upset, aggravated, or have hurt feelings that my friendships and relationships have changed since Jared died, I need to remember that grief is a process.  It's a process for me and it's a process for them.  And we don't all process grief the same way or at the same time.

And as my new world evolves and I continue to move forward with making a new life, my friendships and relationships will continue to change because I will continue to change.  My loss will shape my future.  The darkness of my grief will help me to chose the colors for my future.  My new life will continue to blossom as I invision what my future will look like.  But that vision can change because that is the beauty of life.  It is ever changing.

What Does It Means When My Wedding Ring Doesn't Fit?

Four weeks ago, I took my wedding rings off so they wouldn't be stolen on my trip.  When I returned home, I immediately went to put my wedding rings back on.  And they would NOT GO ON!

I was devastated. My wedding set would not go past my knuckle. My anniversary band, my last gift from Jared, went on fine.  Slipped right on.  But wedding ring, nope, nada, nothing.  Refused to slide past my knuckle. I wasn't sure what to feel.  What did it mean?  How could my ring fit just a few short weeks ago and now not fit now?  How is that possible? What does it mean?  Is it a sign to move forward?  Am I reading too much into it?

Fast forward to today.  I still cannot wear my wedding ring.  But I no longer feel devastated.  Maybe it's because I am wearing my anniversary band so my finger is not naked. Maybe it's because I have accepted that I can longer wear my ring.  Maybe it's because I have come to realize that my wedding ring is only a symbol but my love will live on forever.

But, in a strange way, I feel extremely guilty that I am no longer devastated. The mind is a funny thing and guilt is a confounding emotion. I feel like I should still be upset that my wedding ring no longer fits on my ring finger on my left hand. And while I would love to still be able to still wear my wedding ring, I am no longer devastated. I am considering having it sized to fit my right hand.

Perhaps this is a sign of healing. Of just how far I have come on my grief journey in two years.  Perhaps it is an indication that my heart has finally accepted that Jared is never coming home and I am truly a widow.  But it has given me cause to reflect. To realize that I am a different person now than I was the day I married my husband. That I am a different person now than I was when he died. That I am a different person now than when I took my wedding rings off for short weeks ago.  I will always love Jared. There will always be a part of my heart and soul that only belongs to him. And I don't need to wear my wedding ring to know that.