The Card

Yesterday I received a card from Jared's lung donor's mother. It totally surprised me and caught me off guard. We had previously heard from the donor family right after Jared's lung transplant and we kept in contact for a while. But Jared was absolutely devastated to learn that his donor was an 18 year old kid. For some reason the fact that Dylan was only 18 truly troubled Jared. And as much as Dylan's mother wanted to meet us, Jared said he could not put a face to his lung. He said he did not know how he would survive if his lung suddenly had a face. The last communication we had with her was at least 5 years ago. So I was completely shocked yesterday when I saw the manila envelope addressed to the family of Jared Duff. When I opened the envelope the last thing I ever expected was a card from his donor's mother. She told me she had learned of Jared's passing and wanted to know that my son and I were in her thoughts and prayers. She went on to share that Dylan had lost his father when he was only a year old. She closed by saying she would still like to meet us.

This unexpected note as lovely as it was, was a complete grief trigger. It sent me spiraling downward. My heart was broken. Not only for the loss that I have suffered but for the loss that she had suffered as well. I found myself sitting on the couch just sobbing.  Sobbing my eyes out in a way I have not done in months.  Cried myself to a point that I was emotionally exhausted and had to go to bed.  And today I woke up just as emotionally exhausted. I'm not sure why this card sent me into such a tailspin but it has. Maybe it's because it's a reminder of all that I have lost. Maybe because it's a reminder of when as a family we had such hope. And maybe it's because it just sucks. I was already feeling restless and unsure of what my future holds and now this.  If I decide to meet her, am I going against my husband's desire to never have a face to go with his lung? Or am I bridging a gap between two women who have suffered such loss and could possibly help each other heal?  I firmly believe God has a plan for me. And that somehow this must be part of His plan. There is a reason why it has taken her almost 2 years to learn of Jared death and send this card. There is a reason this card showed up in my life now.  I just have no idea why or what it could be.

I will definitely write her back. And I will let her know of the many vacations and wonderful memories we made because of Dylan's generous gift. I will try my best to convey to her what a blessing her gift was to us. How it offered us four wonderful years that we would otherwise not have had. That because of her gift my son will always remember his dad. If Jared hadn't gotten that transplant, Steven may not have actual memories of Jared. He was so little at that time that I'm not certain if you would truly remember his dad or just the stories people told him. But because we had those four extra years, because God blessed us with the gift of time, Steven really truly remembers his dad. He remembers how much he was loved. How much he was wanted. And how much his dad cared for him. Memories that are priceless.  All because a mother was generous enough to donate her 18 year old son’s lung to a stranger. What an amazing gift. I hope I can find the words to thank her but I'm not sure the words even exist.

But in the meantime, I have to find a way to deal with all the emotions that seeing this card has brought to the surface. I have to find a way to heal for myself. I have to find a way to help my son heal. I have to find a way that we can begin to live without feeling guilty.  A way to move forward by honoring  the past. A way to build a walkway between the what was and the what will be. Because one thing I know for certain, this is not how my story ends. There's so much left in my story and in Steven's story and what our future will be. And we are just beginning the journey to discover what that is. And that may include forging a bond with a woman who gave us a most generous gift.