Not Getting Over It

When Jared died I got extremely used to people making idiotic comments. No matter how well-intentioned, many comments made my heart hurt. So many friends and strangers thought they were being helpful by doling out advice and platitudes but in reality all it did was make me angry and resentful.
 Often I would take the well-meaning advice when silence and just walk away. Reminding myself that they didn't understand and hopefully would never understand so they weren't trying to be mean. But they were many days when the words were just enough to push me over the edge and I was glad for my strength to walk away before I said something extremely hurtful to them. I remember thinking if one more person tells me _____, I'm going to punch them in the throat. Enough was enough. I was tired of hearing it. No words were going to make me feel better but certain words could definitely make me feel worse.
I recently had a coworker ask me when I was going to get over it. She said "you're young, you were pretty, you'll find someone else.". It took everything in me not to punch her in the throat. But this time I could not take one more platitude and walk away in silence. So instead I looked at her and said I am never going to get over it. And then I asked her a question that stumped her. I asked if I had lost a child, would you tell me to have another one to replace the child I had lost? She looked at me dumbfounded and said of course not, one child can not replace another. I continued to stare at her and finally said so why would you expect one man to replace another? She didn't know what to say and she just walked away.
While my life must move forward without Jared, I will never replace him. There is a place that will always be just for him in my heart. I don't even know if I will find love again. I'm certainly not looking for it right now. Right now I'm focusing on surviving every day. Taking care of my son who I know I have to be mother and father too. Watching my child grieve and his heart ache because he misses his dad and there is nothing absolutely nothing I can do to make it better. Because if I don't take care of myself who will? I also have to take care of myself because my child deserves a mother who is going to be around the rest of his life. My heart will always hurt for Jared, there always be a scar across my heart from the wound of losing him. My heart will never truly heal. It will mend but it will heal with a scar just like any other wound heals. While I can  appreciate that people think there is a whole other life waiting for me out there, it doesn't necessarily have to be with someone else. Right now I'm focusing on myself and my son. And for right now that's enough.  I just wish all those doloing out advice could understand that.