Count My Blessings

As I lay here wide awake at 5 am listening to the steady rhythm of my son's breathing, I am reminded to count my blessings.

Sometimes when life has been difficult, stressful, and full of grief it is easy to focus on the negative.
To focus on the sorrow instead of the joy.
To focus on the bad instead of the good,
To focus on what's missing instead of what's present.

But in this early morning hour, I am reminded that while my life has had it's share of sorrow, it still has plenty of good.
A little boy I love more than all the moon in the skies and who loves me more than apple pie.
The ability to travel and make wonderful, new memories.
Wonderful friends and family who have been by my side  in my darkest and most joyous days.

Yes, my life has been difficult, changing, and downright sad in the 19 months since Jared died but it has also had moments of joy, laughter, and love.
Sledding with Steven as snow landed in our hair and laughing, really laughing.
Dancing for the first time and loving it.  I didn't realize how much I missed dancing.
Sitting around the firepit with people I love enjoying each other's company.

And despite the laughter, love, and joy, I still miss Jared.  But I know he is never far.
Like Thanksgiving when my dear friend made a star to honor him and left a place setting out to remind us that Jared is always welcome at her table.
Like the CF rides, Breathing for Jared fundraisers, and Green and Blue Day when so many helped honor Jared's memory.
Like when I heard his voice plain as day driving that snowmobile through the continental divide.

So this morning as I thank God for this little boy sleeping beside me I am reminded of my numerous blessings.
Does that mean I forget the sorrow? No.
Does that mean I am over my grief? Not by a long shot.
Does it mean that I realize that every new adventure is bittersweet?  Yes.

And I am acutely aware that I must make a conscious choice to embrace life.
To realize life after death is bittersweet and that is ok.
To know that while I love and miss my husband, I still have a life to live.
To cherish all I have been given because life is to short not to do so.

So today, almost 9000 miles from home, I am counting my blessings.

New adventures

I am embarking on a once in a lifetime trip with my son and yet I wish my husband was here.  I never stop wishing for that.  For him to come home, to come back to us.

Steven and I are making and will continue to make lifetime memories without Jared.

Yes he is always with us but he is not in any picture.

Yes he is always with us but he does not get to witness first hand our adventures.

Yes he is always with us because we talk about him.

What I wouldn't give to have him here.  Beside us.  Rolling his eyes at one more photo.  Encouraging Steven to learn about the history at of this amazing country.

But he cannot be here.  Instead he is in heaven.  Sitting at Jesus's feet.  Holding my spot.

But what I wouldn't give for him to be here.

To be taking excursions with us.  Picking out the best tours.  Helping us make memories.

Jared hated having his picture taken.   Yet, he married a woman who love to snap pictures.

I used to tell him...someday I will only have these photos of our memories.  So he would ablige me and begrudgingly smile for one more picture.

And now...now I treasure those photos.

Those pictures remind me of happier times.

Those pictures remind me of love. Of laughter.  Of a life well spent.

Those pictures give me HOPE.

Hope that one day I will truly enjoy life again.

Hope that one day my son will have a family and he will begrudgingly take photos for his wife.

Hope that one day my life will once again  be full of light.

Those pictures remind me of a life well lived.  And more life to come.

I wonder if Jared knew that someday those photos would remind me of our amazing life?

Of our amazing love?

Of a promise?  A promise that I would live.  Photographic proof that I could live?

Maybe that was the reason he suffered through so many photos.  To prove that out of darkness comes hope.

What I wouldn't give to have him here.  But God had other plans.

So instead, I will make new memories with my little boy.  Memories that include his dad.  Just not in the physical sense.

Memories that remind him that his mom loved him.  That his mom was resilient.  That, although sometimes scared, his mom never said no to an adventure.

Because of Jared, we will embark on many adventures.  And he will be right beside us.  With the moonlight giving us hope for tomorrow.

19 months today

19 months today.

How is it possible you have been gone for 19 months?
19 months of doing it all alone
19 months of solo parenting.
19 months of making every decision and then second guessing every decision.

How is it possible you have been gone for 19 months?
19 months of never sleeping thru the night.
19 months of making food my greatest comfort.
19 months of waking up exhausted every morning.

How is it possible you have been gone 19 months?
19 months of grieving for you.
19 months of grieving our old lives.
19 months of grieving the loss of our future.

How is it possible you have been gone for 19 months?
19 months of having no one to snuggle with at night.
19 months of kissing no one goodbye.
19 months of no one to greet me after I have been gone

How is is possible you have been gone for 19 months?
19 months of rebuilding my life.
19 months of praying I'm not screwing it up, especially for Steven.
19 months of taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back.

How is it possible you have been gone for 19 months?
19 months of surviving.
19 months of living because of you.
19 months of taking new adventures with Steven.

How is it possible you have been gone for 19 months?
19 months of making new memories with Steven.
19 months of making sure your are included in all we do.
19 months of making sure you are never forgotten.

How is it possible you have been gone for 19 months?
19 months of a new life without you by my side.
19 months of ensuring Steven and I live a full life.
19 months of trying to figure out what to do now.

19 months....a lifetime and a blink of an eye all at the same time.

Miss you my love.  Love you forever.

Work in Progress

I am not the same person I was before Jared died.
I am not the same person I was the day he died.
I am not the same person I was 6 months ago.

I feel like a mosiac.  All the same pieces but put back together differently.   Not that different is bad, it's just not the same.

Who am I now?

So much of my life, especially the last 5 years he was alive was spent as Jared's caregiver, as his advocate.  And now that he is gone, I have no idea what to do with myself.  What to do with all time I used to spend taking care of my love. How to live as a widow, no longer being part of a couple.  Being the extra person at dinner parties.  Always being the solo person in a sea of couples.

What am I supposed to do now?

I am still a mother but I don't want to smother my child.  I also don't want to make him my whole world.  That wouldn't be fair to him.  He deserves to have his own life, to live and be happy without worrying about his mom.  Plus, someday (hopefully) he is going to move out and leave me and when that happens I need to have my own life.

How do I function now?

I am still employed and I'm good at my job but it is not the same.  It no longer fulfils me.  It no longer defines me. My job and the accolades that came with me used to be enough, but not anymore.  Now I need something else.  Need to find what makes my heart sing.

How do I fill the empty space?

That is the big question.  The elephant in the room that I must acknowledge.  I hope to find a means to tell our story.  Not just our love story but our story of faith.  Our story of trials and tribulations.  Our story of counting our blessings in our darkest times.  Our story of the gift of life.  To encourage others to donate life.  To ensure Steven remembers the legacy his dad left behind.  To honor Jared while I figure out how to live this new life.

How do I keep my promise?

That is something I am working on.  Finding a way to live and not just survive.  Discovery new joys in everyday life.  Counting my daily blessings.  Remembering that God has a plan for me.  Opening my heart to whatever my future holds.  I wonder if Jared knew what he was asking when he asked me to make that promise?  Somehow I think he did.

I will never be the same person I was before.  I am a work in progress. I can't wait to meet the new me!

Missing my love at Easter

This is our second Easter without Jared.  And I miss him terribly.  Easter has always been a family time.  A day for rejoicing, for celebrating.  A faithful day filled with family and friends.   Last year we did just that, celebrated with family and friends.  But this year we decided to celebrate differently.

This year my son and I are celebrating Easter in Breckenridge.  This is the first time we have been skiing and snowboarding since Jared died.  Another first.  I didn't expect the emotional trigger that seeing the snow would bring.  I was immediately sent back to our first Easter skiing when Steven was only 18 months old.  And our last time hitting the slopes in Lake Tahoe for what would be our last Thanksgiving.

As I watched my little man snowboard today, I could feel Jared watching him too.  I was so overcome with emotion and tears ran down my cheeks before I could even think to stop them.

My friend recently told me that Easter is a perfect day for widows,  a season of death and rebirth.  A part of me died when Jared was called home.  Maybe this Easter is the time for my rebirth.  To discover who I am now.

Feeling Jared on the ski slope today, reminded me that no matter where we travel for Easter or how we celebrate this holy season, he will always be with us.  Easter will always be our family time.

Moving forward

It's been 18 months and there are some who are ready for me to be over my grief.

Those who say it's been 18 months, aren't you over it yet?

Those who say it's been 18 months, you need to be dating.

Those who say it's been 18 months, it's time to move on.

To them I say, it's my grief and I get to grieve my way.

I will never get over Jared's death. Never. Jared is an intrical part of my life. And his death changed me forever. The love that we share, will always be with me.  I will grieve and mourn Jared the rest of my life.  But that doesn't mean I will stop living.  I will take life by the horns and make the most of every second because my husband doesn't have that chance. I will LIVE each day to the fullest, but I will never get over Jared's death.

I am not ready to date yet. When Jared died I said never would I date again. 18 months later I realize I may want to date again and not be alone forever but that day is not today.  Someday my heart may expand and allow me to care for another person. But there will always be a piece of my heart that belongs to Jared. A piece specifically reserved for him. And it will take a special man to understand that.   A special man to understand that even though my husband is dead, I will always love him. And I am not ready to meet that man yet. I will know if and when I am ready to date. No one else gets to make that choice for me. And today is not that day.

I will never move on. I will move forward. I realize for some, that is just semantics. But for me, moving on implies that I leave Jared behind. And that is something I cannot do. Moving forward means that he will come with me. That he will always be a part of my life. My relationship with Jared shaped who I am today.  A wife, a lover, a best friend, a caregiver, and a mother.  All because of Jared.  I will always be his widow and that fact will help shape my future.  My love and life with Jared will be woven into the next volumes of my life.  How can they not be?  And because Jared will always be with me, I will do my best to move forward.  To honor the love we shared.  To honor him by living.  Live a full, wonderful life.  Treasure every second.  Take every opportunity to love.  Say yes to new adventures.  I will move forward.  But I will never move on.

Yes, it has been 18 months and I am not over it, I am not ready to date, and I will never move on.

Yes, it has been 18 months and I am trying to live, trying to laugh, trying to discover who I am now.  These things take time.  Take work.  But I am trying.  I am trying to learn to live with the death of my husband.  Who knows what my future holds?  Right now all I can do is try and find out.

But whose counting

Today marks 18 months since God called you home.
18 months since your death changed everything I thought I knew.
18 months since our family felt complete.

18 months...but whose counting?

548 days since I heard your heart beat.
548 days since we held pinkies.
548 days since we last kissed goodnight.

548 days...but whose counting?

18 months since my world changed in the blink of an eye.
18 months since Steven said "daddy can breathe in heaven."
18 months since I promised you I would live.

18 months...but whose counting?

548 days since I didn't have to wake up each day and face my grief.
548 days since you were here to help Steven with his homework.
548 days since I last came home to you.

548 days...but whose counting?

18 months since life became before and after.
548 days since I became your widow.

18 months, 548 days...but whose counting?


I am.  I am counting.

I am afraid if I stop counting, you'll be forgotten.
I am afraid if I stop counting, I'll lose myself.
I am afraid if I stop counting, I will never heal.

I am.  I am counting.

18 months, 548 days and yes I am counting.

Counting the days until I find my new purpose.
Counting the days until I feel joy again.
Counting the days until life is in balance.

18 months, 548 days. And I'm still counting.

I will love you forever Jared and I miss you more than I ever imagined possible.
I feel lost without you and yet I am trying to honor my promise.
I have learned that you will never leave me, you will always live in my heart.

18 months. 548 days.  Counting the days I have survived.