All Hallows Eve

As Halloween approaches, I find myself missing Jared more than I do everyday.  I think that is because this year Steven wants to have a scary Halloween. Jared always talked about Steven's first scary Halloween and how we would have a haunted house, we all would dress up as people from scary movies, and we would scare the kids in the neighborhood. Well this year that is what we're going to do. We are going to have a haunted house, Steven is going to be a character from a scary movie, and Jared is not going to be here to see it. That is the part that always breaks my heart. The fact that Jared is missing. He will not be here to experience Steven's first scary Halloween but we are going to celebrate and enjoy the haunted house in honor of him. I just wish my heart didn't feel a little more broken.

I wrote the above post this morning before I took my son to school. At my son's school today is Trunk or Treat and I volunteered to decorate my trunk. My friend Katie took several pictures today and then sent me some photos with a note that said "I couldn't get a single picture of you today where the sunshine wasn't kissing you." And every picture she took of me, the sun was shining on me and no one else. For me that means Jared knew Halloween was going to be a hard time for us and he was sending me some extra kisses from heaven. He was letting me know that it's okay. That he wants us to enjoy this Halloween. He wants us to enjoy being scary. And I also figured he will be scaring me from above and laughing the entire time.

When we got home today, my son said he was going outside to his homework.  I look and his his sitting on Jared's memorial bench. And guess what? The sun was shining amazingly bright on him. His dad was sending him some extra love today too. It always seems on the hardest days that if I really pay attention I will see signs from Jared. Signs to let me know that he's okay. Signs to let me know that I'm going to be okay. Signs that he is always watching over us. And since my morning started so rough with my heart feeling broken because Jared was going to miss Halloween, some extra kisses from heaven was just what I needed today.

Lide full of grief

So much of my time now I find myself thinking about death and grief. And I realized I have never known life without death and grief.

By the time I was 7, I had said goodbye to my grandfather and my brother.   I didn't understand death then but I knew they were never coming home.
Not long before my high school graduation I had to say goodbye to my grandmother, the champion for my faith.
A month after my 21st birthday, I had to say goodbye to my brother Steve with whom I spent most of my teenage years.
When I was 32, not long after the birth of my son, my godfather died.
At the age of 34, I watched my father, the man who was my greatest teacher take his last breath. And 10 months later, my sister went to be with my dad.
At 35, my godmother died and a year later my niece was gone.  So much death for someone who was only 36.

And then at 42, my life forever changed.  I held the love of my life in my arms as he took his first breath as an angel.

Even with all the death and grief I had experienced, nothing prepared me for the grief of losing my forever love.  I was not prepared for grief that makes you physically hurt.  I had never experienced grief that makes you want to die.  I had no idea what to do on this grief journey.

With all the death and grief in my life, I knew the value of living.  And I found love. A love that was worth the pain of grief.  Even though I was not prepared for this pain, I am finding a way to cope and survive.  Because I have always survived.  And my husband would expect nothing less.

Tears of Grief

A friend of ours dog is very sick and is losing her battle with cancer. So last night I was telling Steven that Roxy's chemo is not working and that she's not been feeling very good. He looked at me and asked if Roxy was going to die. When I said yes but not tonight he got very quiet and then he said well when Roxy gets to heaven daddy will be there to give her pizza crust.

Then last night as we were getting ready for bed he just started to cry. When I asked him what was wrong he said he was just missing his dad and thinking about Roxy dying made him even sadder and miss his dad even more. And then he said to me you know what's not fair mom, Roxy's going to get to see my dad but I'm not.

It's those things that just break my heart. Those are the times that I wish God had taken us all together so Steven and I did not have to suffer this pain. Those are the times when I wish with all my soul that Jared could come back to us. And those are the times that I remember I'm helpless.  Helpless to fix my little boy's pain.

Death brings tears and sadness.  And the thing about grief is any death triggers it.  And we are helpless to stop it.  Helpless to fix it.  We just have to cry our tears and surf the waves of grief.

Not Getting Over It

When Jared died I got extremely used to people making idiotic comments. No matter how well-intentioned, many comments made my heart hurt. So many friends and strangers thought they were being helpful by doling out advice and platitudes but in reality all it did was make me angry and resentful.
 Often I would take the well-meaning advice when silence and just walk away. Reminding myself that they didn't understand and hopefully would never understand so they weren't trying to be mean. But they were many days when the words were just enough to push me over the edge and I was glad for my strength to walk away before I said something extremely hurtful to them. I remember thinking if one more person tells me _____, I'm going to punch them in the throat. Enough was enough. I was tired of hearing it. No words were going to make me feel better but certain words could definitely make me feel worse.
I recently had a coworker ask me when I was going to get over it. She said "you're young, you were pretty, you'll find someone else.". It took everything in me not to punch her in the throat. But this time I could not take one more platitude and walk away in silence. So instead I looked at her and said I am never going to get over it. And then I asked her a question that stumped her. I asked if I had lost a child, would you tell me to have another one to replace the child I had lost? She looked at me dumbfounded and said of course not, one child can not replace another. I continued to stare at her and finally said so why would you expect one man to replace another? She didn't know what to say and she just walked away.
While my life must move forward without Jared, I will never replace him. There is a place that will always be just for him in my heart. I don't even know if I will find love again. I'm certainly not looking for it right now. Right now I'm focusing on surviving every day. Taking care of my son who I know I have to be mother and father too. Watching my child grieve and his heart ache because he misses his dad and there is nothing absolutely nothing I can do to make it better. Because if I don't take care of myself who will? I also have to take care of myself because my child deserves a mother who is going to be around the rest of his life. My heart will always hurt for Jared, there always be a scar across my heart from the wound of losing him. My heart will never truly heal. It will mend but it will heal with a scar just like any other wound heals. While I can  appreciate that people think there is a whole other life waiting for me out there, it doesn't necessarily have to be with someone else. Right now I'm focusing on myself and my son. And for right now that's enough.  I just wish all those doloing out advice could understand that.

Hard mommy night

Tonight was a hard mommy night. After his football game tonight, my son was crying.  H was upset because he said he has no one to practice with, play football with, or teach him better plays.  My husband was such an active dad.  He was truly one of those hands on dads, always involved. And now for the last 13 months my son has had to do all his sports activities alone. I offer to throw  a football with him or play catch or kick a ball around or try to help him, but all he wants is his dad.
These times are the hardest for this grieving mom. All I want to do is fix it, but I cant. Because no matter how hard I try I will never be his dad. And no matter how hard I wish or how hard I pray, I can never bring his dad home. Such a hard life lesson that my little boy has to learn at such a young tender age.
I told my son he could use his grief for good and use it to fuel his passion and succeed at anything he wants, in honor of his dad or he could let his grief cripple him and knock him down. He said he wants to use it to fuel his passion but that is really hard to do right now. I told him I completely understand. There are days I too want to let my grief cripple me but I can't.  I have to make a choice everyday to live or to give up. And I choose to live. As an adult I can understand that, I can handle that. But no child should have to learn this lesson. No child should have to learn that they have to handle their grief. But my little man looked at me and said i want to use my grief to honor my dad.  I was so proud of him and so heartbroken all at the same time.

Love never dies

When Jared died 13 months ago, my future died with him.  My planned and unplanned future.  All the milestones my son will reach that his dad will not be here to celebrate. All the vacations, holidays, birthdays that Jared will miss.  All the events we will miss celebrating with him.   One of the hardest struggles of my grief has been accepting all the things Jared will miss.
We were supposed to spend forever together.  Raise our son. Spoil our grandchildren.  Travel the world. Unfortunately, my forever turned out to be longer than his.  I am blessed though, because he loved me till forever.  Not everyone is fortunate enough to be someone's forever.  But I was.  I can say without a doubt that I was loved everyday.  Everyday day until his last breath.  And that gives me some comfort and peace.
Planning a future without my love is scary.  My future was supposed to include him beside me.  Not me walking alone.   Most days I just get up and go where the day takes me, no planning involved.  I don't have any idea what my future holds yet, so I can't plan for it.  So I am taking the wait and see approach.  My future, my plan, my path will present itself and when it does, I know Jared will be walking beside me, guiding me.
In 13 months I have realized that while my future no longer includes Jared physically, he will always be with me.  He will always be in my heart.  In my son's laugh.  In our celebrations.  Just because I can no longer see him, doesn't mean he isn't with me.  He will always be in the gentle whisper, in the soft breeze, in the sound of the surf.  He wills always be with me, especially in the darkest times. He visits me in my dreams.
So while my future has changed, he will always be a part of it.  Because love never dies.

13 months

13 months today.  How is it even possible that I have survived 13 months without you?  So much has changed in 13 months and yet so much has stayed the same.  I wish you were here to share in our new journey.  But if you were still here, I wouldn't be on this new journey. So many times I just want to talk to you about my day or get your opinion and advice. Not being able to have a conversation with you is one of the things I miss the most.  I talk to you all time and sometimes, just sometimes I can hear the words you would say.  But I wish I could hear you all the time. Breathe easy with the angels honey, I miss you.