Year 2 Day 5 of 7

Day 5 of 7

I have always loved traveling. When I met Jared, he had never been out of the US . I told him I had the travel bug and wanted us to travel frequently. Our first vacation ever was a trip to Gatlinburg where we not only visited Gatlinburg and Cades Cove, but we also drove the Blue Ridge Parkway and went to see the Biltmore Hotel. After that Jared and I made a list of all the places we wanted to see and when he died we had completed that list except for 3 places. Our first trip out of the country together was a Caribbean cruise. We were traveling with my family and we had a wonderful time except for the part where we the two of us and my nephew were left at Carlos and Charlie's and had to walk back to the cruise ship while the rest of my family went in a taxi. After that we traveled three or four times a year and eventually it became five or six times a year.  My all-time favorite trip is still when Jared and I went to Italy and saw Pope John Paul II and he blessed our marriage. That was truly a once-in-a-lifetime moment and something I will never forget. Many people thought when Steven was born, we would stop traveling. That never happened, we just took him with us. Steven took his first plane ride at 2 months old to attend my friends Benjy and Cheryl's wedding. Then when Steven was 6 months old we flew to New York City because I wanted him to see Santa at Macy's on 34th Street for his first Christmas. I know, a little neurotic. But thankfully my husband went along with it and we had a wonderful vacation in NYC. When Steven was 4, we took a family vacation to San Francisco and thoroughly enjoyed visiting that city and the Muir Woods. After Jared's second lung transplant when he was septic, we decided to head to Europe and visit Spain and tour the UK.   One of my favorite memories of that trip was when we were visiting a sheep farm and got to see baby lambs be born. Steven, who  was 6 years old at the time said  “mommy I thought I saw their penises but it was just their umbilical cords.”  All of the adults in our group cracked up. One of my favorite snow vacations was when we went to Mount Tremblant in Canada. We took a family snowboarding lesson and I was absolutely terrible. I will stick to skiing.  But Jared and Steven loved it and to this day Steven refuses to put on a pair of skis. Jared had always wanted to see Hawaii, so we went. And the water was freezing cold in April so Jared and I decided not to surf but we so enjoyed watching Steven surf . Hawaii was absolutely beautiful and we all have our first helicopter ride together on that trip. And then in July of 2014, we traveled for an entire month. We took a Caribbean cruise, a cruise around the Greek Islands, and spent a week in France. As you all know, when we came home from that vacation Jared was admitted and died six weeks later. Taking vacations and making those memories is something I will always treasure.  Life is an adventure.  Live it!

Year 2 Day 4 of 7

Day 4 of 7

Faith was always an important part of our marriage. Even at our our worst, we never questioned our faith or God’s plan. Jared's faith was,such an inspiration for me.  Jared was not raised Catholic, but always went to Mass. He always said he was Catholic in his heart. He attempted to complete RCIA two or three times but always had to quit the class because he ended up in the hospital. When he was dying we reached out to Monsignor to give Jared the Sacrament of the Sick. That was when our church found out Jared wasn't Catholic.  Because he came to Mass, even though he never took communion, no one ever realized he wasn't Catholic.  So five days before he died, Monsignor came to our home to make Jared an official Catholic. Monsignor heard Jared's first confession, gave him his first communion, and confirmed him. It was such a special day in our home. Jared was finally Catholic in the eyes of the church.  And I am grateful that Steven, our mothers, and myself were all there to witness the special moment.  And if I have one regret, it is that I did not get a photo of that moment. I was so wrapped up in the excitement that it did not even occur to me to take a picture. Can you believe that? I forgot to take a picture. But, in our years together, I captured many photos with our faith at the center.   We were truly a family with God as a priority.  And even though God called Jared home so early, I know He had a reason.  And I know He has a plan for Steven and I.  When Steven was baptized, Father Jeff commented how our family had received 2 miracles...Jared's successful lung transplant and our miracle baby.  We would receive 3 more before Jared died.  I was blessed beyond measure to have Jared as my husband, to know that kind of love, and to share so many adventures.  And through all our ups and downs, we tried to never forgot to count our blessings.

Year 2 Day 3 of 7

Day 3 of 7

In January 2007, we traveled to Phoenix, Arizona to watch the Gators take on the Ohio State Buckeyes in the National Championship game. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience for us and I am forever grateful to our friends, the Osteen’s  who made it possible for us to attend that game. When we walked into the stadium that night, Steven looked at the Ohio State fans sitting in our Gator section. He then looked at me and said “mommy don't they know orange and blue Go Gators?” When the game ended, one of the Ohio State fans sitting in front of us turned and said to Steven “I should have known orange and blue Go Gators.”  That's when Jared put Steven up on his shoulders so Steven could see the celebration occurring on the field. During the game, a friend had called to tell me that she had just seen us on TV. I thought that was pretty cool. Jared was really indifferent, he was just interested in watching the game. Since we made the trip to Arizona, we decided to make it into a vacation and see Sedonand the Grand Canyon. When we arrived at the Grand Canyon, Steven wanted to run around. But I said absolutely not, my mommy heart was afraid my child would fall over the canyon. So instead, Jared and I took turns holding him. The Grand Canyon is absolutely beautiful and Jared and I marveled at it's beauty.   But the beauty was lost on our 2 1/2 year old.  Driving back from the Grand Canyon to Sedona we drove through the mountains and they were covered in snow. Steven just wanted to stop and play in the snow, so we did. Jared pulled over and we got out and played in the snow. Mind you, we were not wearing snow clothes and we were soon freezing in our jeans. But it was so cute to see Jared build Steven a little snowman. And then we all made snowballs and had our first family snowball fight. The next morning we traveled to Sedona to see the Chapel of the Holy Cross and the Red Rocks.  The chapel was breathtaking.  It was impossible to not feel close to God there.  And the Red Rocks were just beautiful.  Jared always wanted to see the Grand Canyon and this trip afforded him that opportunity. I will be forever grateful that our family of three was able to make such wonderful memories during that trip.

Year 2 Day 2 of 7

Day 2 of 7

We have always been Gator fans. We truly bleed orange and blue. When Steven was just a toddler, we brought him out on the field on a Sunday afternoon to let him play football on the field. Steven does not remember life without Gator football. He went to his first Gator game when he was just a few months old and has been going to games every season since. But on this day, Jared was on the field throwing the football to Steven and Steven would catch it and run. And eventually Steven got so tired he just laid down in the end zone with his football and didn't get back up. His daddy had worn him out playing football. But the sweetest thing was when Jared took Steven over to the tunnel and said this is where the Gators come out. Steven said Go Gators and took off running. The picture below captures Steven and Jared posing in front of the tunnel and then my sweet boy in the endzone resting after his daddy wore him out. And even though Jared is no longer with us or able to go to the Gator games with us, we continue to go and build more memories and honor him. I'm certain that as we watch Gator football on Saturdays, Jared is yelling and cheering in heaven. And he is proud of his little boy who still loves to run on that field, catch that football, run into the end zone and yell Go Gators.

Year 2. Day 1of 7

Day 1 of 7

This photo is from our first family trip to Disney World. As many of you know, Jared proposed to me in front of Cinderella's Castle. So it was only appropriate that for Steven's first trip to Disney, we posed as a family in front of that same castle.   We spent a long weekend at Disney World and visited Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, and Hollywood Studios.  We had such a fun weekend. We laughed a lot and made lots of wonderful memories.  At first Steven was terrified of all of the characters at Disney and would not get close to them. But after we had breakfast with the Little Einsteins on Saturday morning, he loved the characters and would  run up and give them big hugs .  I think his absolute favorite thing was seeing Lightning McQueen and Mator at Hollywood Studios. When he was 3 years old Steven loved the movie Cars and collected cars from the movie Cars. So to see Lightning McQueen and Mator  was the highlight of his trip. Jared and I so loved seeing his little face light up  with all of his excitement.  At Magic Kingdom, he and Jared  where are the race cars together and of course Jared let Steven pretend to drive.  Their favorite thing was that they beat me to the finish line. After that weekend, we never did go back to Disney World as a family. Steven quickly learned that he loved big rides, fast rides. So instead of going back to Disney, we chose to go to Busch Gardens and Universal Studios.  But I treasure those memories. The twinkle in Steven's eye and the smile on Jared's face, two things I will never forget it.

Last Days

As I sit here, I realized that tomorrow begins my memories of Jared's last week walking the earth.  And I hate that this my journey.  That I am alone.  That I am widowed.  That I have to relive my husband's last days.  That I will again relive each terrifying second of the night my world changed.  And it SUCKS!  It makes me sad beyond words.  Completely heartbroken.  It makes me impatient.  A complete and total bitch. I naïvely thought it would be easier this year, but it's not.  In some ways year 2 has been much more difficult.  I wish I could ran away and hide until 9/17...but I can't.  I have to work because I have bills to pay.  I have a son who needs his mother (no matter how grumpy she is this week).  I just want my heart to not hurt so much.  I just want to smile at our memories, not sob.  I just want to be grateful for his life.  Be grateful for the time God gave us together.  Not focus on what is missing.  And I am grateful but I am also so very sad.  I am missing him beyond words tonight.  The one person who knew how to always comfort me is gone and my heart is broken.  So I will let the tears flow.  I will grieve.  Grieve for what I have lost.  Grieve for what will never be.  Grieve for the man who made my heart go pitter patter. But I will also be thankful.  Thankful for our love.  Thankful for our life.  I will try to find a balance between the dark and the light.  But I fear there may be more dark in the coming week as I remember a great man who made me a better woman.  I miss you Jared.  So much that it physically hurts.

Year 3...the year of me

When Jared first died, my friend, who had lost a baby as an infant, told me to not rush my grief. She told me it would take 3 years before I felt “normal” again. And it was one of the best pieces of advice I have received on this grief journey. In 8 days, it will be 2 years since Jared died.  I have spent the past two years grieving and mourning the love of my life.  The loss of my best friend. And I will always, always grieve losing Jared. There will always be a part of my heart that is scarred and broken from his death. But I am beginning to realize that I have to live. That I have to discover who I am now. That I have to find my purpose in life.

While I will always be Jared's widow, I cannot let his death define me. Just like I cannot allow his death to define his life. I want Jared to be remembered for the life he lived. A life full of love. A life full of laughter. A life with a mischievous grin and a smartass answer. That is the man Jared was. And that is the man that will always live in my heart. But as the beginning of year three without him approaches, I realize only I can define who I am now. Who I want to be. Decide for what I want to be remembered.

Yes, I will always be Jared's widow but I need to be more than that. I will always, always honor that man. With every breath I have I will be grateful for the life that we shared. Everyday I am alive, I will work to ensure that he is never forgotten. But I know God has a plan for me. A plan that includes something for me to create my own legacy. I have no idea what it is. I'm not even sure how to go about finding it. But I know I want to. So, in 8 days as I start on year three, I'm going to find me. And even though things will never be normal again, I want to one day be happy. And not just have fleeting moments of joy,  but instead experience real joy every day. And I know my husband would want that for me too.