Becoming a Butterfly

Today my emotions are frazzled.  I am emotionally exhausted.  I just need to sort out my feelings.  Feelings that are intensified by grief.  In the last 24 hours, I have learned of three deaths of someone close to me.  And this has me taking stock of my own life.  I know just how quickly everything can change.  That life is an adventure meant to be lived.  That life is too short not to tell people how you feel.  Yet I have been hiding my own emotions for fear that my heart will be broken.  

Exactly a month ago, I met someone.  And he has helped me start living again.  Like a caterpillar in a cocoon he helped me blossom again.  Helping me feel emotions I thought were long gone.  Reminding me how it feels to have butterflies in my stomach.  Making me feel like a teenager experiencing first love.  And I am enjoying being spoiled.  Having someone text me just to say hello.  Call me at bedtime just to say goodnight.  Make me feel special again.  Yet, I haven't told him this for fear my heart will get broken.  For fear that sharing my feelings will make me vulnerable.  For fear that I will be rejected.

And I should know better than to live my life in fear.  I should know better than to let fear stop me from living.  Stop me from being honest. I don't want to look back and think I should have told him.  I don't want to have any regrets.  But I also worry because this is so new.  How can this be real?  Will it change after we see each other again in January?  What if he doesn't feel the same?  What if he doesn't want a serious relationship?  What if he doesn't want long term?  But if I never tell him how I feel, I'll never know. But that's the problem...I'm not sure how to express my feelings.  Not sure exactly what words best describe my emotions.  What exactly do I feel?  It's only been a month, how can I have such strong feelings already?  Are these feelings real or is it just wishful thinking?  

I guess the only way to find out is to jump into this relationship and see where it goes.  Buckle up and hold on for the ride.  I know this relationship will have it's ups and downs. It’s bumps in the road.  Some twists and turns.  It may be forever or it may be just for now.  But either way, I want to experience it.  I want to see where it goes.  I want to see how much I can blossom.  I want to see if this someone new is my someone right, my chapter 2.  I want to find out if my feelings are real.  If teenage lust can turn into adult love.  So I am going to say screw you fear and give this new romance all I got.  I’m going to come out of my cocoon and embrace life as a butterfly.  Here's goes, let's hope he reciprocates my feelings.  That he too wants to journey into the future...with me.