No Longer Counting Months

At the end of October, I realized that October 16th passed and I didn't even notice.  For the first time since Jared died, I didn't notice the date.  It didn't register that it was 25 months since Jared went home.  And at first I felt guilty.  How could I let the 16th of a month pass and not even notice?  How could I just stop counting the months since my love had earned his wings?  Then I realized it was because I no longer needed to count the months.  I am healing.  I realized my new life was blossoming and I was finally starting to accept that.  

I remember the first Tuesday that wasn't terrible.  You see, Jared died on a Tuesday and I hated every Tuesday after that for months.  The first Tuesday that wasn't awful caught me completely by surprise.  I wasn't prepared to stop hating Tuesdays yet but I guess my soul was. And now, the 16th of the month didn't send me over the cliff of grief.   I am surprised at far I have come in 2 years.  I know to some you are thinking about time and others are saying already.  I have learned that no one knows my grief journey but me and that I can't try to please others.  Instead I have to focus on healing myself.  I have to trust in God's plan for me and that His plan includes moving forward and living a new life just as full of adventures as before.

Accepting my new life does not mean I will forget Jared. It doesn't mean that I will stop celebrating his birthday.  It doesn't mean that I will stop honoring his life.  It doesn't mean that my heart will forget the pain of September 16th.   I will always love Jared.  I will always wish he was still here with us.  I will always say Jared would have loved this or I wish Jared could see this.  Moving forward and making a new life doesn't mean I will forget my old life.  Life will forever be marked as before and after.   My heart will always have a scar and have a section reserved just for Jared.  My soul will always remember him and how his love made me feel.  His love made me who I am today.  His love gave me the strength to continue when I wanted to die.  His love encourages me to continue making each day count.  His love for me will shape my future.  Our love will always be a part of my story.  

As I embark on this new life I am nervous. I am scared.  This is uncharted territory.  I have no road map for this trip to my future. I know Jared will be with me and gently nudge me in the right direction.  Our love will guide me.  And when I stumble and fall, Jared will laugh his mischievous laugh and tell me to get back up and keep going.  This new ride isn't going to be a smooth one but I hope I am ready for bumps as well as the twists and turns.

Who knew no longer counting the days on the calendar could mean so much?