I was devastated. My wedding set would not go past my knuckle. My anniversary band, my last gift from Jared, went on fine. Slipped right on. But wedding ring, nope, nada, nothing. Refused to slide past my knuckle. I wasn't sure what to feel. What did it mean? How could my ring fit just a few short weeks ago and now not fit now? How is that possible? What does it mean? Is it a sign to move forward? Am I reading too much into it?
Fast forward to today. I still cannot wear my wedding ring. But I no longer feel devastated. Maybe it's because I am wearing my anniversary band so my finger is not naked. Maybe it's because I have accepted that I can longer wear my ring. Maybe it's because I have come to realize that my wedding ring is only a symbol but my love will live on forever.
But, in a strange way, I feel extremely guilty that I am no longer devastated. The mind is a funny thing and guilt is a confounding emotion. I feel like I should still be upset that my wedding ring no longer fits on my ring finger on my left hand. And while I would love to still be able to still wear my wedding ring, I am no longer devastated. I am considering having it sized to fit my right hand.
Perhaps this is a sign of healing. Of just how far I have come on my grief journey in two years. Perhaps it is an indication that my heart has finally accepted that Jared is never coming home and I am truly a widow. But it has given me cause to reflect. To realize that I am a different person now than I was the day I married my husband. That I am a different person now than I was when he died. That I am a different person now than when I took my wedding rings off for short weeks ago. I will always love Jared. There will always be a part of my heart and soul that only belongs to him. And I don't need to wear my wedding ring to know that.
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