When Jared first died, my friend, who had lost a baby as an infant, told me to not rush my grief. She told me it would take 3 years before I felt “normal” again. And it was one of the best pieces of advice I have received on this grief journey. In 8 days, it will be 2 years since Jared died. I have spent the past two years grieving and mourning the love of my life. The loss of my best friend. And I will always, always grieve losing Jared. There will always be a part of my heart that is scarred and broken from his death. But I am beginning to realize that I have to live. That I have to discover who I am now. That I have to find my purpose in life.
While I will always be Jared's widow, I cannot let his death define me. Just like I cannot allow his death to define his life. I want Jared to be remembered for the life he lived. A life full of love. A life full of laughter. A life with a mischievous grin and a smartass answer. That is the man Jared was. And that is the man that will always live in my heart. But as the beginning of year three without him approaches, I realize only I can define who I am now. Who I want to be. Decide for what I want to be remembered.
Yes, I will always be Jared's widow but I need to be more than that. I will always, always honor that man. With every breath I have I will be grateful for the life that we shared. Everyday I am alive, I will work to ensure that he is never forgotten. But I know God has a plan for me. A plan that includes something for me to create my own legacy. I have no idea what it is. I'm not even sure how to go about finding it. But I know I want to. So, in 8 days as I start on year three, I'm going to find me. And even though things will never be normal again, I want to one day be happy. And not just have fleeting moments of joy, but instead experience real joy every day. And I know my husband would want that for me too.
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