Grief - 2 years later

The 2-year anniversary hit me much harder than I expected this year. I don't know what I expected, but I did not expect the raw grief that I felt. Maybe it was so much harder because I was not at home with friends and family who love Jared as much as I do. Or maybe it was just because two years is so very real. The first year I was kind of numb, grateful to have survived that awful first year. But the second year, that's real.  That's when you know he's never coming home yet life must go on. Our anniversary was also extremely difficult this year. I think it's because I was in a foreign country at a business conference and didn't get to actually celebrate our anniversary. Instead I had to attend a gala dinner. I came back from that dinner and went to my room and all I could think of was Jared and how, if he were still here, we would be celebrating our anniversary. And then I cried. And for the first time in a very long time, I actually cried myself to sleep.   

And I know Jared would not want me to be sad. I know he would tell me that I need to live. I know he would be telling me to get out there, take life by the horns, and make it my own. But knowing that, doesn't make me miss him any less. Doesn't make the ache in my heart feel better. I miss him and wish he was here every day. And this may sound crazy, but no matter how much I miss him, I am so thankful that his suffering has ended.   There comes a time and it is such a guilt-ridden moment, when you realize you are no longer praying for a miracle but instead you're praying for their suffering to end. That doesn't mean you want them to die. It doesn't mean you won't miss them everyday.  It doesn't mean that you stop loving them. It doesn't mean your heart won't break at every grief trigger. It just means that your love for them is more than you ever thought possible.   The moment when you realize just how selfless love really is.  I would take a healthy Jared back in a heartbeat. I would give up everything I own, to have that man walk back in the door. But I would never, never want him to have to suffer the way he did his last few weeks on earth.  

Instead I tried to find comfort that he is breathing with the angels. I know for certain that Jared is in heaven, that is something that I have never doubted it.  And it is something that has brought me immense comfort in these last two years. Sometimes I ask myself what is he doing up there? But I guess I won't know until God decides it's my time to join him.  Until that time, I will try to live a very full life. A life I can look back on and be proud of.  And I will teach my child that life is an adventure and that fear of the unknown should not keep you from living.  These last two years have taught me more than I ever wanted to know about grief  but they have also taught me a tremendous amount about strength and resiliency. And life. And love.  

16th Wedding Anniversary

16 years ago we said I do.

I never imagined I would be celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary alone.
No special poems.
No sappy love notes.
No flowers.
Nothing to commemorate our special day.

Instead, I will celebrate our love alone, in a foreign country.

I will never forget the day we vowed to love in  sickness and in health.
A vow we always honored.
Or that vow that has a whole new meaning...until death do us part.

We loved the in sickness and in health.  More than anyone else I know.
But that death do us part, that is a sneaky one.
We honored our vows.
Even after your final breath, I still honored our vows.
But what do I do now?

I miss you, every second of every day.
I will love you till forever.

Thank you for allowing me to be your last love.
That is a privilege I will always treasure.
I pray I can always honor you and our love.

16 years ago today we became husband and wife.
Who knew that 16 years later I would be your widow?
Life can be unexpected and even cruel.
But I will forever grateful for the wedding anniversaries we celebrated.
For all the memories we made.
For all the love we shared.

Happy anniversary Jared.

I will love you till forever.

Taking Off My Wedding Ring

Today, I took off my wedding rings.
Not by choice but by necessity.
And I don't like it.
My hand feels naked.
Like a vital piece is missing.

I knew that the start of year 3 would be the beginning of my self-discovery.  But I didn't plan to take off my wedding set. But my travel to Brazil necessitated that decision.  I was advised to not wear any jewelry I didn't want lost or stolen.  So my wedding ring is safe at home.  And my finger is empty.  My heart is not sure how to feel about that.

Yes, I know it is temporary.  Only 2 weeks.  But it still is an odd feeling.  A rush of emotions I did not expect.  Our 16th wedding anniversary is Friday.  And my hand will be naked as I celebrate our special day in a foreign country.  I knew one day I would take off my wedding set.  Probably move it to my right hand.  But I hadn't planned to do it yet.  Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.  Maybe my love is trying to give me a gentle push.  Or maybe it's just simply because of my travel plans.

But I know my love is not contingent on a ring.  My heart will always love Jared.  Whether I am wearing his ring or not.  My soul will always be attached to his.  Whether my finger has a ring on it or not.  He will always be a part of my life.  I don't need a ring to prove it. But it sure seems weird for my finger to be empty after all these years.

Today, I took off my wedding rings.
Not by choice but by necessity.
And I don't like it.
My hand feels naked.
I will let you know how I feel in 2 weeks.

Day 731. 2 years today

It has been 2 years today.  731 days.
How is that possible?  So much has changed, yet some things never will.

I will always miss you.
I will always love you.
I will always wish you were here to see Steven's accomplishments.
I will always think of you when something great happens in our life.
I will always think of you when something doesn't go as planned.
You will always be a part of our lives.

2 years ago today at 7:50 pm, I held you in my arms.  Knowing my world was about to change forever and helpless to stop it.  You looked towards the heavens and said “Do you see them Carla?”. I knew the angels had come to take you home.  I kissed you, told you how much I love you, how proud I was of you, promised Steven and I would be OK, and told you to fly home with the angels.  And you did.  You took the deepest breath and you were gone. I know I saw your first heavenly breath.  And though I wish you back every day, I am grateful you are breathing easy with the angels.

So much has changed in these 2 years.  I have less patience but more compassion.  I no longer care about the little things.  I try to not take anyone for granted. I am teaching Steven life's an adventure and should be lived. I am trying to build a new life, one that would make you proud and at the same time find happiness again.

I haven't completely kept my promise, but I'm trying.  When you died, I wanted to die too.  I felt like God should have called us all home together.  But a crazy thing has happened this year, I realized I want to live.  Really live.  And not just because I promised you I would but because I want to.  I want to live.  There is still a lot of life in me.  Still so much for me to see and do.  A whole world to explore. So many adventures to take.

My life will never be the same.  The Carla I was with you died with you.  This is a new Carla.  A work in progress.  But I can do this, rebuild my life, discover who I am now because of you.  Because of the love we shared.  Because of the strength you gave me.  You were one of the strongest people I have ever known.  You never let your disease stop you.  Never used it as an excuse.  I draw on your strength and love each day.  And because of the life God gave us together, I can slowly begin to build this new life. Thank you for loving me Jared.  Your love is my strength.

I miss you every day.  Everyday something  happens and I think I wish Jared was here. But I know you are watching over us, sending me signs when I need them most.  And I'm certain sometimes you shake your head in disbelief at what I'm doing but I also know there are times you say that's my pretty lady, I never doubted you for a minute.  I miss you Lovebug. Every single day.

2 years today.
731 days.
Forever and yesterday…

Year 2 day 7 of 7

Day 7 of 7

On Jared's angelversary eve, I will choose to remember happy times.  Days full of laughter.  His sarcastic sense of humor.  The way Jared would so casually suggest children do something Jared thought was hilarious but would be sure to annoy their parents.  Like the time he decided it would be great fun to put the neighborhood kids in Steven's inflatable ball pit and float them across our pond.  Or show them how to car surf.  Or borrow their ripstick and take off around the block.   And when he decided our 5 year old son should have a motorcycle.

At a party, Jared would always start off quiet and subdued but oh boy, once he loosened up, look out.  One New Year's he brought a pistol full of tequila to the party.  Or the birthday party where he went down the waterslide without spilling his beer.  And our wedding reception where he rode around on his friend's shoulders.  

Jared could be very spontaneous and I have so many fond memories of his “let's see what we feel like doing” attitude.  In France, he suddenly decided I needed to learn to drive a manual and preceded to teach me. In Vermont, he decided we should canoe across the reserve.  In Canada, he raced Steven down the mountain on these snow motorcycle things (I can't remember what they were really called) and wiped out at the end.  In Belize, the first time we went ziplining and he yelled “oh shit” as he repelled down.  

Jared was the yin to my yang.  He was quiet but once he knew you, all bets were off.  I miss hearing his laugh.  His laugh was so unique, just like him.  Oh how I wish I had a recording of his laugh.  So today, I will focus on the good.  The happy.  The mischievous.  The man who loved me until his last breath.  The man I will love forever.  The man who I miss everyday.  The man whose wit could light up a room.

Year 2 Day 6 of 7

Day 6 of 7

Today I miss Jared more than words can say. Today I miss having a partner. I miss having someone to share the load.  I miss Steven having his dad.  No matter how hard I try, I will never be able to fill the void of his dad.  And on days like today, when I am stressed and frustrated it is obvious that I have not perfected this solo parenting thing. But thankfully Steven has many wonderful memories of time spent with his dad. Like the spring of 2008, when Steven was not even four years old and the Grand Prix was in St. Pete. Jared took Steven down for the day and they sat on the bleachers and watched the races. Steven had such an amazing time with his dad.  Jared came back to tell me the story of how they met Danica Patrick. He said she walked up and started talking to Steven and was commenting on what a cute little boy he was. He said then two men approached her and wanted to talk to her and she told him to leave her alone, she was talking to the little boy. He said she finished talking to Steven and she walked away without even acknowledging those men.  Steven will never remember meeting her, but it was a story Jared loved to tell. Every year after that, Jared would take that Friday off and take Steven to the Grand Prix. Steven has so many memories of time spent with his dad. His dad coaching his football team.  His dad coaching his baseball team. Riding the dirt bikes with his dad. Playing catch in the yard. Sitting on the floor playing video games together.  His dad helping him with his homework. Their weekly trip to Joey Brooklyn's for pizza. Jared was a great dad.  And Steven will always know just how much his dad loved him.  When Steven was little, he would always say "me and my dad.". Me and my dad are going to do this. Me and my dad are going to do that. I always wondered if somehow Steven knew that his daddy's time on earth would not be as long as we would hope.  I will always be grateful that Steven has 10 years of wonderful memories with his dad. And I have scrapbooks full of pictures that captured those moments especially this one that captured their matching dimples.

Year 2 Day 5 of 7

Day 5 of 7

I have always loved traveling. When I met Jared, he had never been out of the US . I told him I had the travel bug and wanted us to travel frequently. Our first vacation ever was a trip to Gatlinburg where we not only visited Gatlinburg and Cades Cove, but we also drove the Blue Ridge Parkway and went to see the Biltmore Hotel. After that Jared and I made a list of all the places we wanted to see and when he died we had completed that list except for 3 places. Our first trip out of the country together was a Caribbean cruise. We were traveling with my family and we had a wonderful time except for the part where we the two of us and my nephew were left at Carlos and Charlie's and had to walk back to the cruise ship while the rest of my family went in a taxi. After that we traveled three or four times a year and eventually it became five or six times a year.  My all-time favorite trip is still when Jared and I went to Italy and saw Pope John Paul II and he blessed our marriage. That was truly a once-in-a-lifetime moment and something I will never forget. Many people thought when Steven was born, we would stop traveling. That never happened, we just took him with us. Steven took his first plane ride at 2 months old to attend my friends Benjy and Cheryl's wedding. Then when Steven was 6 months old we flew to New York City because I wanted him to see Santa at Macy's on 34th Street for his first Christmas. I know, a little neurotic. But thankfully my husband went along with it and we had a wonderful vacation in NYC. When Steven was 4, we took a family vacation to San Francisco and thoroughly enjoyed visiting that city and the Muir Woods. After Jared's second lung transplant when he was septic, we decided to head to Europe and visit Spain and tour the UK.   One of my favorite memories of that trip was when we were visiting a sheep farm and got to see baby lambs be born. Steven, who  was 6 years old at the time said  “mommy I thought I saw their penises but it was just their umbilical cords.”  All of the adults in our group cracked up. One of my favorite snow vacations was when we went to Mount Tremblant in Canada. We took a family snowboarding lesson and I was absolutely terrible. I will stick to skiing.  But Jared and Steven loved it and to this day Steven refuses to put on a pair of skis. Jared had always wanted to see Hawaii, so we went. And the water was freezing cold in April so Jared and I decided not to surf but we so enjoyed watching Steven surf . Hawaii was absolutely beautiful and we all have our first helicopter ride together on that trip. And then in July of 2014, we traveled for an entire month. We took a Caribbean cruise, a cruise around the Greek Islands, and spent a week in France. As you all know, when we came home from that vacation Jared was admitted and died six weeks later. Taking vacations and making those memories is something I will always treasure.  Life is an adventure.  Live it!

Year 2 Day 4 of 7

Day 4 of 7

Faith was always an important part of our marriage. Even at our our worst, we never questioned our faith or God’s plan. Jared's faith was,such an inspiration for me.  Jared was not raised Catholic, but always went to Mass. He always said he was Catholic in his heart. He attempted to complete RCIA two or three times but always had to quit the class because he ended up in the hospital. When he was dying we reached out to Monsignor to give Jared the Sacrament of the Sick. That was when our church found out Jared wasn't Catholic.  Because he came to Mass, even though he never took communion, no one ever realized he wasn't Catholic.  So five days before he died, Monsignor came to our home to make Jared an official Catholic. Monsignor heard Jared's first confession, gave him his first communion, and confirmed him. It was such a special day in our home. Jared was finally Catholic in the eyes of the church.  And I am grateful that Steven, our mothers, and myself were all there to witness the special moment.  And if I have one regret, it is that I did not get a photo of that moment. I was so wrapped up in the excitement that it did not even occur to me to take a picture. Can you believe that? I forgot to take a picture. But, in our years together, I captured many photos with our faith at the center.   We were truly a family with God as a priority.  And even though God called Jared home so early, I know He had a reason.  And I know He has a plan for Steven and I.  When Steven was baptized, Father Jeff commented how our family had received 2 miracles...Jared's successful lung transplant and our miracle baby.  We would receive 3 more before Jared died.  I was blessed beyond measure to have Jared as my husband, to know that kind of love, and to share so many adventures.  And through all our ups and downs, we tried to never forgot to count our blessings.

Year 2 Day 3 of 7

Day 3 of 7

In January 2007, we traveled to Phoenix, Arizona to watch the Gators take on the Ohio State Buckeyes in the National Championship game. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience for us and I am forever grateful to our friends, the Osteen’s  who made it possible for us to attend that game. When we walked into the stadium that night, Steven looked at the Ohio State fans sitting in our Gator section. He then looked at me and said “mommy don't they know orange and blue Go Gators?” When the game ended, one of the Ohio State fans sitting in front of us turned and said to Steven “I should have known orange and blue Go Gators.”  That's when Jared put Steven up on his shoulders so Steven could see the celebration occurring on the field. During the game, a friend had called to tell me that she had just seen us on TV. I thought that was pretty cool. Jared was really indifferent, he was just interested in watching the game. Since we made the trip to Arizona, we decided to make it into a vacation and see Sedonand the Grand Canyon. When we arrived at the Grand Canyon, Steven wanted to run around. But I said absolutely not, my mommy heart was afraid my child would fall over the canyon. So instead, Jared and I took turns holding him. The Grand Canyon is absolutely beautiful and Jared and I marveled at it's beauty.   But the beauty was lost on our 2 1/2 year old.  Driving back from the Grand Canyon to Sedona we drove through the mountains and they were covered in snow. Steven just wanted to stop and play in the snow, so we did. Jared pulled over and we got out and played in the snow. Mind you, we were not wearing snow clothes and we were soon freezing in our jeans. But it was so cute to see Jared build Steven a little snowman. And then we all made snowballs and had our first family snowball fight. The next morning we traveled to Sedona to see the Chapel of the Holy Cross and the Red Rocks.  The chapel was breathtaking.  It was impossible to not feel close to God there.  And the Red Rocks were just beautiful.  Jared always wanted to see the Grand Canyon and this trip afforded him that opportunity. I will be forever grateful that our family of three was able to make such wonderful memories during that trip.

Year 2 Day 2 of 7

Day 2 of 7

We have always been Gator fans. We truly bleed orange and blue. When Steven was just a toddler, we brought him out on the field on a Sunday afternoon to let him play football on the field. Steven does not remember life without Gator football. He went to his first Gator game when he was just a few months old and has been going to games every season since. But on this day, Jared was on the field throwing the football to Steven and Steven would catch it and run. And eventually Steven got so tired he just laid down in the end zone with his football and didn't get back up. His daddy had worn him out playing football. But the sweetest thing was when Jared took Steven over to the tunnel and said this is where the Gators come out. Steven said Go Gators and took off running. The picture below captures Steven and Jared posing in front of the tunnel and then my sweet boy in the endzone resting after his daddy wore him out. And even though Jared is no longer with us or able to go to the Gator games with us, we continue to go and build more memories and honor him. I'm certain that as we watch Gator football on Saturdays, Jared is yelling and cheering in heaven. And he is proud of his little boy who still loves to run on that field, catch that football, run into the end zone and yell Go Gators.

Year 2. Day 1of 7

Day 1 of 7

This photo is from our first family trip to Disney World. As many of you know, Jared proposed to me in front of Cinderella's Castle. So it was only appropriate that for Steven's first trip to Disney, we posed as a family in front of that same castle.   We spent a long weekend at Disney World and visited Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, and Hollywood Studios.  We had such a fun weekend. We laughed a lot and made lots of wonderful memories.  At first Steven was terrified of all of the characters at Disney and would not get close to them. But after we had breakfast with the Little Einsteins on Saturday morning, he loved the characters and would  run up and give them big hugs .  I think his absolute favorite thing was seeing Lightning McQueen and Mator at Hollywood Studios. When he was 3 years old Steven loved the movie Cars and collected cars from the movie Cars. So to see Lightning McQueen and Mator  was the highlight of his trip. Jared and I so loved seeing his little face light up  with all of his excitement.  At Magic Kingdom, he and Jared  where are the race cars together and of course Jared let Steven pretend to drive.  Their favorite thing was that they beat me to the finish line. After that weekend, we never did go back to Disney World as a family. Steven quickly learned that he loved big rides, fast rides. So instead of going back to Disney, we chose to go to Busch Gardens and Universal Studios.  But I treasure those memories. The twinkle in Steven's eye and the smile on Jared's face, two things I will never forget it.

Last Days

As I sit here, I realized that tomorrow begins my memories of Jared's last week walking the earth.  And I hate that this my journey.  That I am alone.  That I am widowed.  That I have to relive my husband's last days.  That I will again relive each terrifying second of the night my world changed.  And it SUCKS!  It makes me sad beyond words.  Completely heartbroken.  It makes me impatient.  A complete and total bitch. I naïvely thought it would be easier this year, but it's not.  In some ways year 2 has been much more difficult.  I wish I could ran away and hide until 9/17...but I can't.  I have to work because I have bills to pay.  I have a son who needs his mother (no matter how grumpy she is this week).  I just want my heart to not hurt so much.  I just want to smile at our memories, not sob.  I just want to be grateful for his life.  Be grateful for the time God gave us together.  Not focus on what is missing.  And I am grateful but I am also so very sad.  I am missing him beyond words tonight.  The one person who knew how to always comfort me is gone and my heart is broken.  So I will let the tears flow.  I will grieve.  Grieve for what I have lost.  Grieve for what will never be.  Grieve for the man who made my heart go pitter patter. But I will also be thankful.  Thankful for our love.  Thankful for our life.  I will try to find a balance between the dark and the light.  But I fear there may be more dark in the coming week as I remember a great man who made me a better woman.  I miss you Jared.  So much that it physically hurts.

Year 3...the year of me

When Jared first died, my friend, who had lost a baby as an infant, told me to not rush my grief. She told me it would take 3 years before I felt “normal” again. And it was one of the best pieces of advice I have received on this grief journey. In 8 days, it will be 2 years since Jared died.  I have spent the past two years grieving and mourning the love of my life.  The loss of my best friend. And I will always, always grieve losing Jared. There will always be a part of my heart that is scarred and broken from his death. But I am beginning to realize that I have to live. That I have to discover who I am now. That I have to find my purpose in life.

While I will always be Jared's widow, I cannot let his death define me. Just like I cannot allow his death to define his life. I want Jared to be remembered for the life he lived. A life full of love. A life full of laughter. A life with a mischievous grin and a smartass answer. That is the man Jared was. And that is the man that will always live in my heart. But as the beginning of year three without him approaches, I realize only I can define who I am now. Who I want to be. Decide for what I want to be remembered.

Yes, I will always be Jared's widow but I need to be more than that. I will always, always honor that man. With every breath I have I will be grateful for the life that we shared. Everyday I am alive, I will work to ensure that he is never forgotten. But I know God has a plan for me. A plan that includes something for me to create my own legacy. I have no idea what it is. I'm not even sure how to go about finding it. But I know I want to. So, in 8 days as I start on year three, I'm going to find me. And even though things will never be normal again, I want to one day be happy. And not just have fleeting moments of joy,  but instead experience real joy every day. And I know my husband would want that for me too.

Signs

When my husband first died, I wasn't so sure if I was a believer of signs. But in the last 2 years I have had so many signs from him. Most recently I have had 3 in the last 24 hours. Last night I had a dream about my husband that was so real, I had to remind myself he was gone when I woke up. In my dream we were home laying in my bed holding hands, I was laying on his chest and we had our hands tightly clasped.  And in my dream I knew his time on Earth was limited. In my dream thought I have to call Kim and tell her I can't come this weekend. It will be one of Jared's last weekend at home and I cannot leave him. I distinctly remember feeling my hand in his.  I remember what it was like to use heart beating as I lay on his chest. I remember when I woke up and thought I have to call Kim and tell her I can't come this weekend. And then I remembered. I remember it was just a dream and Jared is gone. Today I had to fly to Miami to get a Brazilian visa. It has been a very long drawn-out and stressful process. Even after arriving at the consulate today it did not appear that I would get my visa. And then after jumping through many hoops, I was told my visa would be complete and available for pickup on 9/16.. Jared’s angelversary. And then after I landed in Tampa tonight, I check my phone to see I have an email from him that arrived at 9:41 p.m. There's no message on the email just his name. That's all I need. Three signs in less than 24 hours to tell me he is always here.

Today marks the two-week countdown.  Jared's last 2 weeks on this earth.  Two years ago were so full of hope.   Hope that we would have 6 months to a year left with Jared. Little did we know that two weeks later he would be gone. He knows how hard these next 2 weeks are going to be for me and I believe he is reaching out to tell me that he is always here. Always in my heart. And he is especially near when times are hard for me.

Valentine's Day this year my son and I were driving to visit friends. When he said mom there's a message from dad on the radio. My car is one that will show your text messages on the radio. So I looked down and it wasn't a text message, it was from his email. And it said simply All is well. Love you. I am immediately started to cry and had to pull over. And then I took a picture this message. Usually when I receive a text message on the dash it only lasts a couple of seconds. But this one lasted long enough for me to see it, pullover, get my phone out of my purse and take a photo. Jared definitely wanted me to see it. He was letting me know just how much he loves me day of love. A few months ago Steven and I opened the door to our house and inside the door was a heart-shaped leaf. Now that may not sound like much to most people, but how did a leaf  get inside my house from the garage? For me there was no other explanation than Jared saying hello.

I know not everyone believes in sign. I wasn't sure I did before. But since Jared died, I definitely do. There have been too many things that I cannot explain other than it's his way of saying hello.  Keep sending me signs honey. I love when you come to say hello.