Grieving the Best I Can

People tell me you are so strong, I don't know how you do it. My response to them is I didn't have a choice. When someone you love more than life itself dies, no one gives you the choice to stop living.  I had a child to take care of, bills to pay, and I promise to keep.  

But as I try to move forward in this new life, I will always honor my past. Part of moving forward, is bringing Jared with me. His love for me shaped who I am today. And his death shaped who I am becoming.

I talk about him because I never want anyone to forget him.  And when you talk about him, it doesn't make me sad, it makes me smile.  It lets me know others love him and will never forget him either. I keep his pictures up in my house because he will always be a part of our lives.  He is still my husband.  He is still our son's father. Just because Jared ia no longer on this earth, doesn't mean he is no longer a dad. Our son deserves to hear stories of his dad, see pictures of his dad, and know his dad loved him more than anything. Jared will always be part of our family.

And no, I will never be over it. Grief comes in waves. And I try to surf them the best I can. Yes, I have many more good days than bad days now. But I still have bad days or at least bad moments in a good day. And I always will. That is how grief works.  So no, I won't get over it.  And I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable.

I would never wish this on anyone. I belong to a club no one wants to join. But, having joined this group taught me that life is short.  Life is precious.  Life is meant to be lived. So even in the height of my grief, I knew I needed to live. Live for me, live for my son, and live for Jared.  Living is the best way I can honor Jared and his life. Living each day is a privilege denied to many. And it is a gift that has been given to me.  A gift I am grateful for and never take for granted.

This is my new life, the life I was handed when Jared died. And I'm doing the best I can.