Sunday will be my birthday. My second without my husband.
Birthdays were a special time for us. Our birthdays are only 5 days apart. Even though we would celebrate each other's special day, we always celebrated “our” birthday together.
Last year I celebrated my husband's birthday with family and friends. Celebrating his life. And it was surprisingly, a good day. We laughed, we reminisced, and we cried but it was a good day. We celebrated Jared on his birthday.
My birthday, not so much. My friends had a painting party the night before my birthday and we had a wonderful time. But my actual birthday was lackluster at best. I had purposefully planned to be out of town for work on my birthday. My colleagues presented me with a beautiful birthday dessert and wished me happy birthday. But despite their attempts at a celebration, my birthday felt hollow, empty without Jared.
I remember telling my friend that I thought Jared's birthday would be hard but instead mine was the hard one. I never expected my birthday to be the difficult one. To be the grief trigger. And she told me that made perfect sense to her. She said I had always made Jared's birthday all about Jared and this year was no different. But there was no one to make my birthday all about me. No one special to make me day special. I had never thought about it that way, but she was right. My birthday just didn't seem as special without my love.
Tuesday would have been my husband's 39th birthday. Once again, friends gathered with me to celebrate. We toasted my husband and shared our favorite stories. But it was harder this year. I was more emotional, crying at the drop of a hat, and my patience was thin. Since I handled last year pretty well, I thought this year would be the same. But nope, it wasn't. That's grief, always changing.
And now, in just a few days, I will again be celebrating my birthday without him. And once again, I am dreading it. My girlfriends are hosting a wine and cheese night to celebrate my big day. I am so appreciative that my dear, sweet, thoughtful friend organized a night to celebrate my special day. And we will have a good time. But on my actual birthday, my son and I will fly to a dude ranch in Wyoming. Am I running away from my birthday? Absolutely. I can handle an early birthday celebration but I'm not ready to face the actual day yet. And for me, the best way to avoid the day is to make memories with my son.
On Sunday, I will wish my husband was here (as I do everyday). I will wish he could give me a happy birthday kiss. I will wish he was here to give me a card with a hand decorated envelope. I will wish we were planning our birthday celebration. I will wish my someone special was with me on my special day. But all the wishes in the world won't bring my husband back. So instead I will gloss over the day and instead chose to start an adventure with my son. Maybe next year I will feel differently but right now I will be thankful for my friends who help to celebrate my special day early so I can runaway to make new memories with Steven .
It's my birthday after all and I can celebrate anyway I want to.
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