While I can appreciate that friends often say this because they think they understand how you feel, all that really does is let me know that they have no idea how I feel. If they knew how I felt they would say things like it is so hard for me with John on the road all the time I can't imagine how I would do it if I knew he was never coming home. Or when Tim and I got divorced it was so hard to adjust to being home alone all the time.
When your husband travels you still have hope. Hope that he is coming home. You can still make plans. Plans for a night out when he comes home. You can still call, text, or email him. You can call him when you're having a bad day just for him to say it's okay I'll be home soon. He can text you goodnight I love you. You can send him an email of your child's project so he can see how well they're doing in school. When your husband is dead, none of these things are possible. There is no hope that he is ever coming home. There is no chance to call him, text him or email him. There is no one to say your child is driving me crazy today, it's your turn. There's no saying I can't wait to tell your dad about this when he gets home. There is no one, no one to help you be a parent. There is no one, no one to share your life with.
When you are widow, you wake up one day and your life is completely different. You wake up and say goodbye to the life you previously knew. If your husband travels you do not know the reality of watching him suffer a long and painful death. You don't know the guilt of going from praying for a miracle to praying he will not suffer. You don't know what it's like to hold your child in your arms and tell them their dad is never coming home again. So you have no idea what it is like to be a widow. Yes, you may often find yourself being a single parent. You may find yourself having to make many decisions. But the difference is your husband is still there. You can call, text, or email and get his opinion. When your husband is dead that is not an option.
I have had divorced friends say to me, it would be easier if my ex was dead. Or you don't know how lucky you are that your husband is dead and you don't have to deal with an ex husband. These words turn my stomach. While I don't have any idea what it's like to be divorced, I do know what it's like for my husband to be dead. I also have many widowed friends who have been divorced and are now widowed. And they are quick to say the two are not nearly the same. In a divorce, someone made the choice to leave. And if it wasn't you that made that choice, it must hurt like hell. And yes, you grieve. You grieve your relationship, you grieve the future that you had planned, and you grieve the life that was. But it is not the same as your husband being dead. You didn't have to plan a funeral. You didn't have to know the person you love you more than anything in this world would never get to live in it again. And while in the beginning you may think it would be easier if your ex were dead, I hope you realize it isn't. Your children will still have a father. A father to be at their birthday parties. A father to come to their high school graduation. A father to be there at their wedding. A father to be there when their first child is born. As a widow, this will never happen in my life. My son's father will never be at any of those events. And even if your child and your ex have an estranged relationship, there is always hope that one day, one day they will reconcile and have a father/child bond. When your husband is dead, there is no hope. There is no hope that your child will ever get to share their dreams, their hurts, their worries, or their accomplishments with their dad. So while as a divorced person you grieve, it is not the same as being a widow. Please don't ever tell a widow I wish my ex was dead or how lucky they are because their husband is dead. Because as a widow I would give anything for my husband to be here, even if that meant he lived somewhere else. Even if that meant I never got to speak to him again. Because death is forever and I would give anything for my husband to be able to live, even if it wasn't with me.
Being a widow is forever. My husband will always be dead. If your husband travels for work, one day he will come home. My husband never will. And if you are divorced, one day you and your ex may actually be friendly and get to share the milestones of your child's life together. That will never happen for me or my son. Because my husband is dead.
I try not to take my friend's comments personally. I know they are trying to comfort me. I know they have no idea how I feel and I pray they never do. Being a widow is not something I would wish on my worst enemy, let alone my friends. And I'm certain I said insensitive things to a grieving widow before I walked on this journey, things I thought were comforting. But if my friends can learn anything from my widow journey, I hope it's that sometimes saying nothing and just being there is all a grieving widow needs. Because until you have been widowed, you have absolutely no idea how I feel. And I hope you never do but if you should ever find yourself on this horrific journey, I promise to be there for you and hold your hand.
Please remember this one thing, a traveling husband or an ex husband are not the same as a dead husband. Just as any widow.
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