Guilt

Today I am struggling with guilt.

Guilt that I am here. Alive. Breathing.
Guilt that I have good days.
Guilt that I didn't say hello to him first thing this morning as I have done every morning for 15 months.
Guilt that I didn't stop him from having that sinus surgery.  Maybe if I had talked him out having surgery, Jared would still be alive or at least have lived longer.
Guilt that I honored his decision to have surgery and now he is dead.
Guilt that I went back to work while he was in the hospital.
Guilt that I tried to honor his request and keep life normal while he was sick.
Guilt that I told him it was OK to go home with the angels.
Guilt that maybe he thought I gave up on him.
Guilt that I wasn't always the best wife.
Guilt that I am alive and he is dead.
Guilt that I get to be happy, laugh, watch our child grow, experience new adventures and he doesn't.
Guilt.
So. Much. Damn. Guilt.