Always in my heart

Always.  Jared will always be in my heart.  I think my mind and heart are starting to realize Jared is never coming back.  And that realization hurts almost as much as saying goodbye.  I feel like I am grieving a different loss.  The loss of my past life.  The loss of my past future. The loss of who we were. And I feel like I am losing him twice.  And it sucks.

He will never kiss me goodnight again.
He will never stroke my hair again.
He will never kiss my forehead again.
He will never dance with me in the kitchen again.
He will never wrap his arms around me again.
He will never scare me and then laugh again.
He will never play catch with Steven again.
He will never ride dirt bikes with Steven again.
He will never teach Steven important life lessons again.
He will never hold my pinky in his as we walk down the street again.
He will never sit in his recliner again.
He will never get to travel with us again.
He will never see his grandchildren.
He will never witness Steven's future accomplishments.
He will never surprise me again.
He will never tell me"I love you" again.
He will never smile his devilish grin at me again.
He will never...the list goes on and on.

But he will always live in my heart.
He will always live in my memories.
He will always live in our child.
He will always live in my future.

His spirit will never die.  A great love like ours has no ending.  While he no longer sits besides my physically, his spirit, his love is always with me.  If I stop and truly listen, I can hear him.  Hear him with my heart.   I just wish I could hear him with my ears and see him with my eyes.  But until such time as we are reunited, I will live for him.  Because the best way to honor our love story is to live.  Live and make new memories.  Live and feel his smile.  Live and hear his laugh.  Live because it is a privilege to do so. Live because I have a promise to keep.

Always.  Jared I love you forever.  You will always be in my heart.