All Hallows Eve

As Halloween approaches, I find myself missing Jared more than I do everyday.  I think that is because this year Steven wants to have a scary Halloween. Jared always talked about Steven's first scary Halloween and how we would have a haunted house, we all would dress up as people from scary movies, and we would scare the kids in the neighborhood. Well this year that is what we're going to do. We are going to have a haunted house, Steven is going to be a character from a scary movie, and Jared is not going to be here to see it. That is the part that always breaks my heart. The fact that Jared is missing. He will not be here to experience Steven's first scary Halloween but we are going to celebrate and enjoy the haunted house in honor of him. I just wish my heart didn't feel a little more broken.

I wrote the above post this morning before I took my son to school. At my son's school today is Trunk or Treat and I volunteered to decorate my trunk. My friend Katie took several pictures today and then sent me some photos with a note that said "I couldn't get a single picture of you today where the sunshine wasn't kissing you." And every picture she took of me, the sun was shining on me and no one else. For me that means Jared knew Halloween was going to be a hard time for us and he was sending me some extra kisses from heaven. He was letting me know that it's okay. That he wants us to enjoy this Halloween. He wants us to enjoy being scary. And I also figured he will be scaring me from above and laughing the entire time.

When we got home today, my son said he was going outside to his homework.  I look and his his sitting on Jared's memorial bench. And guess what? The sun was shining amazingly bright on him. His dad was sending him some extra love today too. It always seems on the hardest days that if I really pay attention I will see signs from Jared. Signs to let me know that he's okay. Signs to let me know that I'm going to be okay. Signs that he is always watching over us. And since my morning started so rough with my heart feeling broken because Jared was going to miss Halloween, some extra kisses from heaven was just what I needed today.

Lide full of grief

So much of my time now I find myself thinking about death and grief. And I realized I have never known life without death and grief.

By the time I was 7, I had said goodbye to my grandfather and my brother.   I didn't understand death then but I knew they were never coming home.
Not long before my high school graduation I had to say goodbye to my grandmother, the champion for my faith.
A month after my 21st birthday, I had to say goodbye to my brother Steve with whom I spent most of my teenage years.
When I was 32, not long after the birth of my son, my godfather died.
At the age of 34, I watched my father, the man who was my greatest teacher take his last breath. And 10 months later, my sister went to be with my dad.
At 35, my godmother died and a year later my niece was gone.  So much death for someone who was only 36.

And then at 42, my life forever changed.  I held the love of my life in my arms as he took his first breath as an angel.

Even with all the death and grief I had experienced, nothing prepared me for the grief of losing my forever love.  I was not prepared for grief that makes you physically hurt.  I had never experienced grief that makes you want to die.  I had no idea what to do on this grief journey.

With all the death and grief in my life, I knew the value of living.  And I found love. A love that was worth the pain of grief.  Even though I was not prepared for this pain, I am finding a way to cope and survive.  Because I have always survived.  And my husband would expect nothing less.

Tears of Grief

A friend of ours dog is very sick and is losing her battle with cancer. So last night I was telling Steven that Roxy's chemo is not working and that she's not been feeling very good. He looked at me and asked if Roxy was going to die. When I said yes but not tonight he got very quiet and then he said well when Roxy gets to heaven daddy will be there to give her pizza crust.

Then last night as we were getting ready for bed he just started to cry. When I asked him what was wrong he said he was just missing his dad and thinking about Roxy dying made him even sadder and miss his dad even more. And then he said to me you know what's not fair mom, Roxy's going to get to see my dad but I'm not.

It's those things that just break my heart. Those are the times that I wish God had taken us all together so Steven and I did not have to suffer this pain. Those are the times when I wish with all my soul that Jared could come back to us. And those are the times that I remember I'm helpless.  Helpless to fix my little boy's pain.

Death brings tears and sadness.  And the thing about grief is any death triggers it.  And we are helpless to stop it.  Helpless to fix it.  We just have to cry our tears and surf the waves of grief.

Not Getting Over It

When Jared died I got extremely used to people making idiotic comments. No matter how well-intentioned, many comments made my heart hurt. So many friends and strangers thought they were being helpful by doling out advice and platitudes but in reality all it did was make me angry and resentful.
 Often I would take the well-meaning advice when silence and just walk away. Reminding myself that they didn't understand and hopefully would never understand so they weren't trying to be mean. But they were many days when the words were just enough to push me over the edge and I was glad for my strength to walk away before I said something extremely hurtful to them. I remember thinking if one more person tells me _____, I'm going to punch them in the throat. Enough was enough. I was tired of hearing it. No words were going to make me feel better but certain words could definitely make me feel worse.
I recently had a coworker ask me when I was going to get over it. She said "you're young, you were pretty, you'll find someone else.". It took everything in me not to punch her in the throat. But this time I could not take one more platitude and walk away in silence. So instead I looked at her and said I am never going to get over it. And then I asked her a question that stumped her. I asked if I had lost a child, would you tell me to have another one to replace the child I had lost? She looked at me dumbfounded and said of course not, one child can not replace another. I continued to stare at her and finally said so why would you expect one man to replace another? She didn't know what to say and she just walked away.
While my life must move forward without Jared, I will never replace him. There is a place that will always be just for him in my heart. I don't even know if I will find love again. I'm certainly not looking for it right now. Right now I'm focusing on surviving every day. Taking care of my son who I know I have to be mother and father too. Watching my child grieve and his heart ache because he misses his dad and there is nothing absolutely nothing I can do to make it better. Because if I don't take care of myself who will? I also have to take care of myself because my child deserves a mother who is going to be around the rest of his life. My heart will always hurt for Jared, there always be a scar across my heart from the wound of losing him. My heart will never truly heal. It will mend but it will heal with a scar just like any other wound heals. While I can  appreciate that people think there is a whole other life waiting for me out there, it doesn't necessarily have to be with someone else. Right now I'm focusing on myself and my son. And for right now that's enough.  I just wish all those doloing out advice could understand that.

Hard mommy night

Tonight was a hard mommy night. After his football game tonight, my son was crying.  H was upset because he said he has no one to practice with, play football with, or teach him better plays.  My husband was such an active dad.  He was truly one of those hands on dads, always involved. And now for the last 13 months my son has had to do all his sports activities alone. I offer to throw  a football with him or play catch or kick a ball around or try to help him, but all he wants is his dad.
These times are the hardest for this grieving mom. All I want to do is fix it, but I cant. Because no matter how hard I try I will never be his dad. And no matter how hard I wish or how hard I pray, I can never bring his dad home. Such a hard life lesson that my little boy has to learn at such a young tender age.
I told my son he could use his grief for good and use it to fuel his passion and succeed at anything he wants, in honor of his dad or he could let his grief cripple him and knock him down. He said he wants to use it to fuel his passion but that is really hard to do right now. I told him I completely understand. There are days I too want to let my grief cripple me but I can't.  I have to make a choice everyday to live or to give up. And I choose to live. As an adult I can understand that, I can handle that. But no child should have to learn this lesson. No child should have to learn that they have to handle their grief. But my little man looked at me and said i want to use my grief to honor my dad.  I was so proud of him and so heartbroken all at the same time.

Love never dies

When Jared died 13 months ago, my future died with him.  My planned and unplanned future.  All the milestones my son will reach that his dad will not be here to celebrate. All the vacations, holidays, birthdays that Jared will miss.  All the events we will miss celebrating with him.   One of the hardest struggles of my grief has been accepting all the things Jared will miss.
We were supposed to spend forever together.  Raise our son. Spoil our grandchildren.  Travel the world. Unfortunately, my forever turned out to be longer than his.  I am blessed though, because he loved me till forever.  Not everyone is fortunate enough to be someone's forever.  But I was.  I can say without a doubt that I was loved everyday.  Everyday day until his last breath.  And that gives me some comfort and peace.
Planning a future without my love is scary.  My future was supposed to include him beside me.  Not me walking alone.   Most days I just get up and go where the day takes me, no planning involved.  I don't have any idea what my future holds yet, so I can't plan for it.  So I am taking the wait and see approach.  My future, my plan, my path will present itself and when it does, I know Jared will be walking beside me, guiding me.
In 13 months I have realized that while my future no longer includes Jared physically, he will always be with me.  He will always be in my heart.  In my son's laugh.  In our celebrations.  Just because I can no longer see him, doesn't mean he isn't with me.  He will always be in the gentle whisper, in the soft breeze, in the sound of the surf.  He wills always be with me, especially in the darkest times. He visits me in my dreams.
So while my future has changed, he will always be a part of it.  Because love never dies.

13 months

13 months today.  How is it even possible that I have survived 13 months without you?  So much has changed in 13 months and yet so much has stayed the same.  I wish you were here to share in our new journey.  But if you were still here, I wouldn't be on this new journey. So many times I just want to talk to you about my day or get your opinion and advice. Not being able to have a conversation with you is one of the things I miss the most.  I talk to you all time and sometimes, just sometimes I can hear the words you would say.  But I wish I could hear you all the time. Breathe easy with the angels honey, I miss you.

Living with grief

I have had people tell me their opinions and ideas about grief. But until you are in the throws of grief you can't understand.  I try the get through everyday, good, bad, or ugly.
Everyday is a struggle, a struggle to choose happiness over despair.  When Jared died I could have easily chosen to give up but I couldn't.  I had a child to raise, a child who needed to know how much he was loved.  I couldn't because I had bills to pay.  I couldn't because I promised my husband I would live.
I try to live everyday.  Some days are harder than others. By I know my life, every breath is a gift and I should be thankful. So I tried to live everyday to the fullest in honor of Jared.  Some days I succeed and others I don't. But I always try.
I miss Jared everyday and my heart aches for him every second of every day.  But I will continue to live because he deserves that, because I deserve that.  I will miss Jared always but I will honor my promise to live.   I don't necessarily know how yet but I am learning I am trying.

Saying goodbye to the the love of your life is difficult.  The hardest thing I have ever done.  But I hope, I pray I can learn from it.  I don't know what my plan is, but I know it must be amazing. Why else would I have to suffer so?  Jared is always going be beside me, encouraging me to keep going. Until we meet again.

Eyes of grief

One thing I have noticed since Jared died is that my eyes always feel heavy and gritty. You know that feeling like when you haven't slept and you cried for hours and your eyes just feel sticky and gritty? That's how my eye's feel everyday.  My eyes are the eyes of grief.

I was sitting in the car yesterday at a red light and I realized that my eyes have hurt, for lack of a better word, for an entire year. And I begin to wonder when will they ever feel normal again? Or will they ever feel normal again?  Will I ever sleep a whole night through again? Will there ever be a day that I don't have a sad moment in a good day? Will there ever be a day when happiness isn't just a fleeting moment but a feeling that actually lingers the whole day? Will there be a day where I can truly know what joy is again? Will there be a day where I'm not just happy for those around me or happy in the moment but truly happy?

I know the answer to all these questions is yes. Yes, someday I will find joy again. Yes, someday I will truly be happy again. Yes, someday my eyes may will not hurt. I just don't know when that day will be.

Until then, I will continue to carry on in my grief journey. I will work through my grief and find my path toward healing. I will never move on because that to me implies I leave Jared behind but I will move forward. Forward into a new life where I will always bring him with me in my heart.  Forward towards happiness once again.

Happy

Crazy thing today.  I thought to myself I feel happy.

Fist time I've thought I felt happy since Jared died.

Strange to feel happy when I have felt anything but happy in the last 13 months.

I am going to enjoy this feeling because I know the grief monster will rear it's ugly head again. Sooner rather than later.

I am going to enjoy this moment because  happy moments are fleeting. As I know all to well.

I am going to enjoy this feeling as long as it lasts because sadness, loneliness, emptiness will return again.    Without any warning.

But until then, I am going try to enjoy feeling happy.  For however long it lasts.

Nights are hard

It has been 12 and a half months since my husband died. And in those 12 and a half months I have learned that the hardest time are the nights.

Night time was our time. We would put our son to bed and then we would sit on the couch watching a movie, talk,  snuggle on the bed. It didn't matter what we did, we just spent the time together. We may not have said a word but we were together.

And now when I'm of the nights arrive and my son goes to bed, I am alone. It is a very harsh reality to realize there's no one to spend my nights with. There is no one to sit on the couch with. There is no one to snuggle with. There's no one to watch TV with it. There's no one to not talk with but still be in the same room. Now my nights are silent and lonely.

Hardest part is being alone. Not having your constant companion. Not having that one person that knew you better than you know yourself. Not having that one person who loves you no matter what. Not having that one person who could make it a better simply by being present. Not having that one person who was your person.

Instead, I spend my nights alone.
Alone with my thoughts.
Alone with my memories.
Alone with my heartache.
Alone with my grief.

My nights by myself, wishing.
Wishing he could come home.
Wishing he was here.
Wishing anything but that he was gone. And if wishes were true, I would give anything.

But unfortunately they're not. And my reality is that my husband is in heaven and he is never coming back to our home.

I'm going to have to learn to adjust to my nights alone. I'm going to have to learn to adjust to living without my constant companion. I'm going to have to learn to live without the person who loves me more than I love myself.

I'm going to have to learn. To live. Learn to live this new life that I didn't ask for. Learn to live this new life that I never wanted. Learn to live this new life that I was dealt. And it sucks. I hate being alone at night. The nights are definitely the hardtimes

Charity

When my husband passed away I decided I wanted to do something to honor his memory, to create a legacy. And finally that wish is coming true. Last week I created a foundation Breathing for Jared. On Friday it officially became a 501 3 C and today I received our official tax exempt status. The goal of the Foundation is to raise scholarship funds for people with chronic lung disease to go to college. My husband was able to go to college because of such a scholarship and I can't think of a better way to honor him than to pay it forward.

Tonight, my 11 year old son front me money from his piggy bank and said this is for Breathing for Jared. He said I want to make the first donation and honor of my dad.  There are no words to describe the emotions I feel because of sweet, generous gift. How wonderful that my sweet little boy wants to donate his own money in honor of his dad. This little boy has been such a blessing to me.

My husband and I were told we would never have children and by the grace of God and the miracles of modern science we were able to have our son. Our family was always a unit 3. We did everything together. We travel the world as a family. And now that my husband is gone, our family is now a unit of two. It's very obvious that Jared is missing. Our third member is gone. And he is never coming home. But his spirit will always be with us. He will still travel the world with us, he will just be traveling in our hearts instead of standing beside us.

My hope is the foundation in my husband's memory, Breathing for Jared will allow someone else to achieve their goals. To go on to graduate from college, get married, have a family of their own. To make their own family unit. I hope that our grief, our struggle, our journey will help someone else. If my journey helps just one person I will feel I did my best to honor my husband.

vu

Things missed

Wednesday night my son earned 4 merit badges and 2 rank advancement badges in Boyscouts.  The hard part, his dad was not here to see it.  It is often the things Jared misses or will miss that hurts the most.

All of those moments we should be celebrating together.
All those moments he should be here to tell our son how proud he is of him.
All those moments that will be great memories.
All those moments that I need him.
All those moments...

That's what hurts the most.  The memories we will never get to make.

Why I Blog

In 1977, my husband Jared was born with cystic fibrosis.  His parents were told he would never live to be 10 years old.  But he proved the doctors wrong.  We met in September 1998 and were married in September 2000.  That same December, after waiting 33 months on the list, Jared received a double lung transplant.  For the next 10 years our lives were full of love and adventure.  We traveled all over the world.  In 2004, our son was born.  Our family was complete.

In early 2010, Jared was diagnosed with chronic rejection and put on the list for a new lung. In July 2010, he received his left lung transplant.  Unfortunately, that October Jared became septic and almost died.  The severe bacterial infection took a toll on his lungs and kidneys.  But he didn't let that stop him.  He continued to coach our son's sports teams, he continued to work full time, we continued to travel.  Jared continued to live.

In August 2014, Jared was diagnosed with mycobacterium abcessus in his good lung.  There is no cure for this rare bacteria.  But Jared was determined to fight and fight he did for 6 weeks.  Jared left this earth on September 16, 2014.

This page is for me to tell my story.  My story as a lung transplant recipient's wife and now his widow.  I hope my story helps one person.  One person who's loved one is waiting on a transplant.  One person who has lost a loved one.  I am sharing my journey in the hopes of helping others.