Eve of the worst day

Tomorrow will mark the one year  anniversary of the worst day of my life life. The day I held my husband in my arms on our bathroom floor and watched him take his last breath.  The day I kissed him on his head and said it was okay to go home with the angels. The day I knew my world will never be the same. The day my world shattered. The day my heart truly broke and may never heal. The day I learned that emotional pain could physically hurt so much. Tomorrow will mark the day that I said goodbye to the life I knew and hello to the widow I never wanted to be. Tomorrow will mark the first anniversary of the start of a new life a life I didn't want. The life I would trade in a split second to have my husband back. Tomorrow will mark the first anniversary of a worst year of my life.
Just as tomorrow will mark the anniversary of the worst day of my life,  today marks the anniversary of a really good day. Last year on this day we had a wonderful day with the child life specialist from hospice who came and took family photos. Even though Jared hated having his picture taken he posed for those photos.  I think he knew this would be the last time he had his picture taken. He made a video for Steven and Steven will always be able to have a video of his dad telling him his hopes and dreams, a video that we have not been able to watch yet. One year ago today we sat in the living room and watched reruns of the Big Bang Theory for hours. Oh how we loved that show and would just laugh and laugh at Sheldon. It is one of the few shows I can still watch and smile.  When I warch it, I think of Jared. My mom and Jared's mom both came for dinner that night .  And then I was coloring my hair and  Jared stood up and said "is that my shirt you're wearing?"  When I said yes he said "ruin your own damn shirt.". That night we went to bed and I remember snuggling in the bed.  Jared said to me "I think I can beat this Carla, I want to fight, I want to fight and can get better.". I told him "as long as you want to fight I will fight with you." And then the dreaded day happened the next day. Who knew we would go from having a great day to the most dreaded day of our lives in just a short 24 hours.
Sometimes I think that's why the next day was even harder. It was a complete surprise. Jared had such a good day the day before that no one.. not me, not the hospice nurse, no one thought it he was going to be his last day.