Dancing and laughing

 Tonight I was out with a bunch of colleagues. So there was a guy in this group that I really didn't know but he was funny and made me laugh. He reminded me a lot of my brothers. That one who would pick on you until you picked back up but there were no hard feelings. So tonight after our meeting, a bunch of us decided we would go out dancing. I have not been out dancing since my husband died 17 months ago.

Before my husband died, flirting to me was something as easy as breathing. It was just something I did. My husband used to tell people "I know she flirts she just can't help herself."  But we are both very confident in our love and in our relationship and it never bothered him that I was a flirt because he knew I was always coming home with him.

But tonight I went out with this group of colleagues and this guy was giving me a hard time.  And  I was giving it back.  I thought nothing of it actually, we were laughing and  having fun, no big deal right? Then one of my friends looked at me and said are you flirting? And I thought oh, I can't possibly be flirting.  I haven't flirted with anyone in 17 months.  And if someone flirted with me since Jared died I was almost offended.  Like, how can you flirt with me when my husband is dead.   Well then the guy says to me that the last time he was in this city was with the girl he is dating.  Then I knew for sure.   I can be nice to him, I can laugh with him, I can have fun with him because he is safe. He has a girlfriend.

Then the band sings Shania Twain's Any Man of Mine.   At my wedding, as a joke, I had that song played for Jared and I was singing to him any man of mine better walk the line. And that became a joke amongst us.  During  our honeymoon, I made him breakfast and I burned the bottom of his cinnamon rolls. When I handed them to him he said " mmm mmm I like em like that.". Just like the song says. When this song played tonight out of nowhere I thought it was his way of saying hello and telling me it OK to have a fun night.

So I contine talking to this work colleague and laughing.  Then we decide to dance and he says I'm going to dip you at the end and I want you to trust me.   I said you might drop me and he replied "I would never embarrass you or me like that. And I want you to trust me.". And I bend my knees because I'm scared.  He looks me dead in the eyes and says trust me.  So I did and he dipped me.  And then our night ended and we came back to the hotel.  And here I am telling myself it was no big deal, it was just a night out with coworkers, a fun night and we all laughed. But I kind of feel guilty for laughing and flirting since it has only been 17 months since Jared.  But I also feel alive again for the first time in 17 months.

All because this work colleague reminded me that I can have fun with someone.  He will never know what he taught me tonight.  That i have the desire to laugh. The desire to have fun. And more importantly the desire to hold the hand of man and slow dance. It was something I didn't even know I had been missing.  Tomorrow when our meeting ends, I will head home to the little boy in my life and he will be head back home to his girlfriend. And he will never know the change in me.  That tonight sparked something in me.  But I almost feel like I should thank him.

Thank him for making me realize there's still a life inside me. Thank him for making me realize that I still have a spark inside of me. Thank him for making me realize that I want a man to acknowledge me. A man to make me feel special. I again want to enjoy going out and doing nothing but dancing and laughing. So he may never know what he did for me tonight, but I am so grateful that I know. Thank you Jason thank you for helping me to remember that I deserve and want to be loved.