Tidal Wave of Grief

Today my grief hot me like tsunami.   I was at a friend's house for a braai (South African for BBQ, my friend is South African so we braai) and I realized I could not pretend to be happy today. Today I just needed to grieve. I've had a few good weeks and this rush of grief today really took me by surprise. In 10 days it will be one year that my husband has lived in heaven. One year since I saw him. One year since I felt his kiss. One year since he hugged me. One year since I saw his smile. One year since I heard his laugh. And I really thought I was doing okay.  And then BAM!  My grief was so fast and so strong, that I had to leave my friend's house and come home just so I could ride the wave and cry to my heart's content.
So I turned on music I know reminds me of my husband and I sat in his favorite recliner and just sobbed. I truly cried myself dry. There are no more tears in me right now. My nose is stuffy, my head hurts, but I needed it. I needed to release the grief. Some days I can hold it in and I can function but today was not one of those days. Today was one of those days where I just couldn't pretend. I just had to cry. I feel bad that I left my friends house and that they were all worried about me but today I had to take care of me. I can't be worried about them or what they might say when I left. Today I had to do what was best for my broken heart and that was to come home and let the tears flow and the grief just wash over me.
The amazing thing is that I have cried myself out I do feel better. My heart is still broken and I still miss my husband more than words can say. But crying is good for my soul and I needed it today. I also connected with a few of my widow friends who I knew would understand and completely not judge. They all said the same thing.  Cry. Do what you need to do to take care of you. That is the beauty of the support of my widow group that they understand, they do not judge, and they're always willing to listen. It is very sad that there are so many of us in this unwanted club but at least we are not alone and we have each other as we walk along this journey.
The reality slapped me in the face today as the one year anniversary approaches.   My husband is really never coming back and I'm going to have to live without him the rest of my life.
There's something about marking the first anniversary that makes it all too real. Not just for me but also for my son. My 11 year old has been struggling this last week as well and I think it's because he's realized exactly what never means. And when I look at my future without my husband, without the love of my life, without the father of my child I think yeah that sucks. This is the not the life I chose. This is not the life I want. I feel like I was dealt a really shitty hand and unfortunately now I must play the hand I was dealt. And today that hand including giving into the tsunami of grief.