i survived 42 days

I survived my 42 days of grief hell only to fall apart today.  In the last 7 weeks, I celebrated 5 firsts without my husband.  Mothers Day, my son's birthday, my husband's birthday, my birthday,  and Father's Day all without my love, my life partner, my soulmate. And it SUCKED!  But somehow I survived, I didn't like it, but I survrived.

Then today, when I thought I was safe and out of the woods, BAM - grief hit me hard.  And of course I was at work and had to fight the tears until the car ride home.  Then I let the tears flow.  I didn't expect to have a meltdown after the fact.  I didn't expect to be knocked on my ass the day after I survived all those firsts.  But I did and I was.  I know I will get through this because I have made it through tougher days but damn I wish the grief train would stop and I could get off even for just a day.