Memories and Tears

We are in Rome.  I absolutely love this city.  I'm so excited to share it with my mom, Steven, Jon, and Alli. But my heart aches.  The last time I was in this city I was with Jared.  We honeymooned here and had our marriage blessed by Pope John Paul II.  Coming back here without him makes me realize how much he will never see.  How much he will miss.  How very much our lives are changing.  Jared would have loved to share the history and beauty with Steven.  But he can't.  So instead I am sharing my memories of the time Jared and I spent in Italy with Steven.  Sharing our stories.  Keeping his dad alive.  Making sure Jared is never forgotten. 

Standing on the steps, waiting to enter Vatican City, I could feel tears fill my eyes and spill down my cheeks.  Then as we attended mass at St Peter's Basilica, I looked up at the stained glass, saw the eagle, and felt Jared in the sunlight coming through the window.  His love was so strong, like he was there with his arms wrapped around me. And the tears freely flowed down my cheeks.  Tears of sorrow for what can never be.  Tears of happiness for what I was blessed to have for so many years.  Tears that I was not ashamed to shed.

And as I cried for my first love, a man that I will love forever, my new love held me. Asked me to tell him about my time here with Jared.  Told me to cry whenever and however long I needed.  Understands that death does not end love.  That Jared will always be a part of my life.  And that my heart has room to love them both.  

The duality of loss.  

Embracing the bitter and the sweet.  

Balancing my grief and my joy.  

Honoring the past while moving forward.

Knowing that love never dies.

Memories, new and old.  As I pack for us to leave tomorrow to take our European cruise, I can't help but think that the last time I packed my family for a European cruise Jared was with us. It was this same time of year 3 years ago we embarked on our journey to cruise Greece and Turkey and then spent a week in France. At the time we had no idea it would be our last vacation together.
Most of the places we will be visiting in the next two weeks, Jared never got the chance to see. But Italy, Italy is different. That is going to be a harder destination for me. We honeymooned in Italy. Had our marriage blessed by the Pope. Started our bucket list of vacations there. So as we walk the streets of Florence and Rome, I will share with Steven memories of the time his dad and I walked those same streets.

And of course, we will make new memories on this trip. It is my mom's first trip to Europe. I am so excited for her to see and experience all there is. I'm excited for Steven to have these new adventures and to see where his dad and I honeymooned. And I'm excited that we get to make new memories with Jon and Alli.  To stand on top of the Rock of Gibraltar. To see the Leaning Tower of Pisa. To tour the Top View at La Sagrada Familia.

Once again, my past and my future are intersecting. It seems my past and my future will always be connected. And to me, that’s perfectly normal. Just as it should be.

Never Have Too Much Love

When Jared died, I swore I would never date again. Never love again. Never let someone else parent my child.  Well, how things have changed. 26 months after Jared died, he sent me an incredible man. A man who loves me and my crazy widow life. A man who understands that a heart expands to find new love. So last December we decided to officially start dating. There goes that first never. A few months later I was head over heels. There goes that second never. And now we are planning our future. Discussing how to raise our children. Did you hear that last never just fall away?

But none of these decisions were easy. And I didn't make any of them lightly. Steven is always and will always be at the forefront of my mind when I make these kinds of decisions. I worried if anyone could love him like their own. Especially if that person had children, could they love Steven the way they love their child or would there always be a difference between our children? I can honestly say Steven is blessed to have a man in his life who loves him like his own.  Who will treat him like his own.

Yet, Jon does not know the stories of Steven's first 12 years. He can't share in the memories of his first words, his first steps, his first day at school. Those are memories that I share with his dad. And that makes me sad. Makes me sad that the parent that shares those memories with me is no longer here. And can no longer share those times, those memories, those stories with Steven. Yes, Jon loves Steven, no doubt about that. And we are going to make many new memories. Have many news stories to share. But that doesn't take away that his dad is gone. That Jared won't be there to share in our new memories. To take new adventures with Steven.  To teach him all the things a boy learns from his dad.  His dad in heaven will always be watching over him. Always. Jared will always be missed. We will always say I wish Jared was here.  

But now Steven will have Jon to support him, guide him, and teach him.  And bonus, he's getting a big sister. Our two only children will now have a sibling. And yes, we know, that's going to be interesting!  And it's going to take a lot of work. And a lot of time. Blended families don't happen overnight. But with work, communication, respect, and most importantly time, we are hopeful that we will be successful.

8 months ago, I learned to never say never.  And since that time, my world has grown.  I have learned love shared is multiplied.  That my heart can expand to love more than one great man and more than one child.  That my past will always be connected to my future.  That letting someone new love into your life allows your child to learn how much love the heart can hold.  Yes, I had worries about sharing my child with someone new. But when that someone new opens their heart to love you, your child, and your dead husband nothing but good can come from that.   And now I know that we can never have too much love.  

Growing Old Together

When I married Jared, I could never imagine that we would grow old together.  You see, Jared was sick when we met.  Was waiting for a lung transplant.  So I knew that the chances of us growing old together were slim.  Almost nonexistent.  I never allowed myself to imagine our future.  To see us sitting on rocking chairs watching our grandchildren.  I am grateful for the years we had together.  The time.  Even though it couldn't last for forever.

But now I can imagine my future.  Imagine growing old with someone.  With Jon.  For the first time, I can see myself sitting on that rocking chair.  Watching our grandchildren play.  Holding hands in our old age.  Enjoying our twilight years.  Feeling loved even when I'm old and gray.

And I realize there will be three of us in my future.  Jared and I will grow old together.  Just differently than I imagined.   Jared will always be a part of my future.   And he will always be watching out for me, for Steven, and our grandchildren.  But I won't be sitting in a rocker next to him.  Holding his hand.  Instead I will feel him in the sunlight.  Hear him in the waves.  See him in Steven.  Instead it will be Jon who I'm sitting by.  Jon's hand I'm holding.  Jon who I grow old with.  

How blessed am I?  To have found two great loves.  To have a new love that understands and respects my first love.  To have a new beginning that makes room for my dead husband.  To have a future with a man who loves me, all of me.  

My past, my present, my future.  They will always intersect.  Be interwoven. Grow old together.  

Sorry I Couldn't Save You

I was watching a movie yesterday and the main character asked if his wife forgave him for not being able to save her.   A question I have asked myself a million times.  Does Jared forgive me for not being able to save him?  Does he know I did everything I could?  Does he know I would give anything to have him back?  Does he know a part of me died that day too?

In my heart I can hear him say there is nothing to forgive.  That I did not have that kind of power or control.   That it was part of God's plan.  That he is right where he is supposed to be, breathing with the angels.

But does he really know?  Know how much I love him?  Know how much I miss him?  Know how much his death changed me? Know how much he still impacts our lives everyday?

I guess this is where faith comes in.  Faith that God is in control.  Faith that I will one day see Jared again.  Faith that Jared does indeed know.  Faith that can move mountains.  Faith that Jared would tell me to forgive myself and let it go.  Faith to soar with birds and be free.

Weaving The 2 Chapters Of My Life

Last week I did something I never thought I would do. I took my new beginning to meet Jared.  

It was completely unplanned.

We were driving through town and I asked Jon if he would mind if we stopped at the cemetery. He didn't even hesitate. We stopped at the store to buy flowers and a Twix bar since Steven always leaves candy for Jared.  At the cemetery I told Jon he didn't have to get out if he didn't want to. He looked at me like I was crazy. He was very sweet and followed behind Steven and I giving us some time alone. When we arrived at the graveside, Steven and I knelt to clean off the headstone. Steven then placed his Twix on the ground for his dad and said hello.  He then went to climb the wall around the cemetery. That is what he does. Jared once told Steven that when he was having fun on earth, Jared would be having fun in heaven. So Steven always finds a way to have fun at the cemetery. As I watched Steven climb onto the wall, my heart began to ache. No little boy should have to visit his dad at the cemetery. And again I wished with all my soul that Jared could be with us. And I just started to cry.  

As my heart broke, Jon wrapped his arms around me and held me. He held me as I cried for Jared.  Cried for what was.  Cried for what can never be.  Cried for a little boy trying to make his dad smile in heaven.  Cried for a wife, now a widow, trying to make her husband proud. Cried for a man gone too soon. And when my sobs stopped, Jon wiped my tears.   He then went to help Steven and give me a few minutes alone with Jared.  When they returned to the graveside, Steven and I kissed Jared goodbye and headed back to the car.  Once again, Jon let us walk ahead giving us some time.  

I never imagined that I would ever be introducing my new love to my first love.  And especially not at the cemetery.   But life does not always follow our plan.  Surprisingly, it just felt right.  Jon needed to see that part of our lives.  And it seemed the  appropriate time.  I didn't need to go to the cemetery to tell Jared about Jon but, for some reason, I wanted to.  Once again, weaving the two chapters of my life together.