2016 Drawing To A Close

As 2016 comes to a close, I can't help but reflect on what a year it has been.

This year I realized I would not only survive Jared's death but I would thrive.  I would finally keep my promise to Jared and do my best to live. 2016 saw Jared's second angelversary come and go. I always said I would mourn him for two years and in those first two years not allow myself to find any joy or happiness. And as I moved into year three, I realized it could be the year of me. The year I would discover myself. The year I would discover what makes me happy. The year I would finally realize who I am and what I want to do.

I realized I was not just surviving Jared's death, I was using his death to fuel my life.  Life is a gift. A gift that for Jared, was unfortunately cut way too short. But I realized, the best way to honor Jared was to live my best life possible. To take adventures.  To live in the moment. To do my best to have no regrets. To teach Steven that life is truly meant to be lived.  To know that Jared would want me to live and love.

As this year draws to a close, I am keeping my promise to Jared.  I'm finally starting to live.  To live my best life.  And I'm starting to love.  To open my heart to someone new.  To realize my heart can expand.  A part of my heart will always belong to Jared.  But love shared is multiplied, not divided.   And expanding my heart, allowing joy to be part of my life again is the best feeling.  I know Jared would be proud.  He would want me to spread my wings and fly.

I have changed a lot this year.  I realized I could live and that by living I was honoring Jared.  I figured out that allowing myself to be happy, to feel joy again was not betraying Jared.  I realized that deciding to open my heart did not mean I was forgetting my love story with Jared. 

2016 has been a year of growth and healing for me.  I can't wait to see what 2017 brings.

Unexpected Grief Trigger

Damn grief.
Damn unexpected grief trigger.

Here I am innocently cleaning out and organizing my kitchen and BAM the grief monster hits.

I found a bag full of cards Steven's classmates made for him (and some for me) when Jared died.  I had never read them before because it just hurt too much.  But today, with tears streaming down my face and with that ugly cry going on, I read every one.  

The sentiments were faith filled and heartfelt.   Things like "your dad will always be your angel",  "don't be sad, your dad is in heaven", "he'll always be in your heart", "I don't know how you feel but I'm praying for you", and "I think your dad is playing with my mom".   Many of the cards ended with Go Gators or I hope the Gators win.  Which made me smile thru my tears.  But my heart broke.  Broke for my little boy who's dad now lives in heaven.  Broke for all those children who now know that parents can and do die.  Broke for me.

I will save all these cards for Steven.  The love in these cards from 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders is astounding.

But the grief is ugly.  No one talks about the ugliness of grief.  It's not always silent tears running down your face.  Sometimes, it's loud sobs and ugly crying.  With swollen eyes and a red nose and the headache that follows.  Crying can be cleansing, therapeutic even but it is not always pretty.  But it is obviously what I needed today.  A good, ugly cry to cleanse my soul.  And gratitude for children who can express their emotions and show so much love.

6 weeks ago

Today my heart is all a flutter.  Six weeks ago I met someone amazing. A man who truly seems to care about me. To love me despite my faults and all my baggage.  A man who is not jealous of my late husband. But instead ask questions and wants to know our story. And will comfort me when the grief monster strikes. A man who understands that a part of my heart will always love Jared but that my heart is expanding to love him too.   A man who is willing to go as slow or as fast as I am comfortable. He never pressures or expects anything more than I can give.

A man who makes me laugh.  A man who makes me feel things I never thought possible.  Emotions so intense it's hard to wrap my head around them.  A man who makes me want to plan a future. A future with him. A man who takes me as I am. Who understands that I am often honest to a fault.  A man who appreciates my candor and doesn't want to change me. A man who appreciates that I ask a million questions. And more importantly, answers all my questions without hesitation.  A man who makes me want to throw caution to the wind.  Makes me thankful we decided to jump into this relationship.  A man I truly believe was heaven sent to me. A man who is everything I didn't know I was looking for.  But is everything I need.

A man who has helped me to realize that I can love two men.  Two men who are completely different but equally important to me.  Two men who have made me feel beautiful and loved. One who was my past. And one who will, hopefully, be my future.  

Six weeks ago I met an amazing man.  And now I can't imagine my life without him. 

Holidays as a Widow

The holidays are such a hard time for anyone who has lost a loved one. It doesn't matter if the loss is recent or many years ago, the loss is always felt at the holidays. This loss, the loss that pierces your heart makes the holidays difficult. There are less presents under the tree, less seats around the table, often others are afraid to mention their name because they don't want to make you sad.

I have a secret for you. We never forget. Saying their name does not make us sad. It brings us joy. It lets us know you remember too. It's let us know our loved one is not forgotten. Whether the loss was yesterday or twenty years ago, we still think of them. We remember past Christmases with them. And our hearts hurt because they are not here this holiday season. Saying their name is not going to remind us of their death, instead it reminds us of how much they lived. Sharing stories and laughter keeps their spirit alive and ensures they are never forgotten.  

For me, part of keeping Jared's spirit alive and honoring his life is to continue to live.  To move forward.  Even at Christmas.  Especially at Christmas.  Continuing old traditions and starting new ones is a way to bridge my past with my future.  On Christmas, my son and I will each have a present from heaven under the tree.  It's a gift that Jared would have bought for us.  It's my way to remind my son that his dad is still a part of our Christmas celebration even though he is in heaven.  We will share stories of Christmas past and talk about what Jared would think of our new traditions.  No matter where my journey leads me, Jared will always be a part of it.

The holidays can be very difficult for those who have lost a loved one.  Include those grieving in your celebrations.  Say their loved one's name.  And remember that as those grieving move forward they are not forgetting their past love but instead they are honoring them by living a life well lived.

Holiday Reflecting

Christmas is winding down. My family has left.  So now my house is quiet. For the first time in 3 days, I'm alone with my thoughts.  Alone to think about how this holiday made me feel.  

This Christmas was one full of love and laughter.  We shared memories of Jared.  We made new memories.  It felt good to laugh again.  Really laugh.  This Christmas was also one of sadness.  We missed Jared.  Wished he was here.  Made sure he was included in our celebration.   This year the sadness of our loss was obviously felt but we also celebrated the joy of the season.   For the first time since Jared died, we celebrated Christmas with our whole hearts. And it was a wonderful first.

Another first this season was my decision to live again.  To move forward.  And all the emotions that come with that decision.  The excitement.  The fear.  The nervousness.  The anxiety.  The insecurity.  I was surprised to discover that my decision to move forward brought out my insecurities.  I typically think of myself as a self-assured, in control, take it or leave it person.  But this new path on my grief journey has left me feeling unsure of myself.  And that is a foreign concept to me.  One I'm not sure how to handle.  But starting a new path is scary and exciting.  So I will forge ahead and deal with all the emotions.

Just as I pushed thru the holidays until I could truly enjoy them again.  Until I could really laugh instead of just pretend to be happy.  Until I could smile at the memories instead of cry.  Until I could be grateful for the years together instead of focusing on what would never be.   Until I realized that enjoying the holiday didn't mean I was forgetting.  Until I figured out that celebrating Christmas shouldn't make me feel guilty.   

This holiday season has allowed me to reflect on how far I have come in my grief journey.  And just how far I still have to go.   How navigating this new path will require me to face my insecurities.  And realize I can't necessarily always be in control.   Sometimes, I just have to let go and let life happen.

Becoming a Butterfly

Today my emotions are frazzled.  I am emotionally exhausted.  I just need to sort out my feelings.  Feelings that are intensified by grief.  In the last 24 hours, I have learned of three deaths of someone close to me.  And this has me taking stock of my own life.  I know just how quickly everything can change.  That life is an adventure meant to be lived.  That life is too short not to tell people how you feel.  Yet I have been hiding my own emotions for fear that my heart will be broken.  

Exactly a month ago, I met someone.  And he has helped me start living again.  Like a caterpillar in a cocoon he helped me blossom again.  Helping me feel emotions I thought were long gone.  Reminding me how it feels to have butterflies in my stomach.  Making me feel like a teenager experiencing first love.  And I am enjoying being spoiled.  Having someone text me just to say hello.  Call me at bedtime just to say goodnight.  Make me feel special again.  Yet, I haven't told him this for fear my heart will get broken.  For fear that sharing my feelings will make me vulnerable.  For fear that I will be rejected.

And I should know better than to live my life in fear.  I should know better than to let fear stop me from living.  Stop me from being honest. I don't want to look back and think I should have told him.  I don't want to have any regrets.  But I also worry because this is so new.  How can this be real?  Will it change after we see each other again in January?  What if he doesn't feel the same?  What if he doesn't want a serious relationship?  What if he doesn't want long term?  But if I never tell him how I feel, I'll never know. But that's the problem...I'm not sure how to express my feelings.  Not sure exactly what words best describe my emotions.  What exactly do I feel?  It's only been a month, how can I have such strong feelings already?  Are these feelings real or is it just wishful thinking?  

I guess the only way to find out is to jump into this relationship and see where it goes.  Buckle up and hold on for the ride.  I know this relationship will have it's ups and downs. It’s bumps in the road.  Some twists and turns.  It may be forever or it may be just for now.  But either way, I want to experience it.  I want to see where it goes.  I want to see how much I can blossom.  I want to see if this someone new is my someone right, my chapter 2.  I want to find out if my feelings are real.  If teenage lust can turn into adult love.  So I am going to say screw you fear and give this new romance all I got.  I’m going to come out of my cocoon and embrace life as a butterfly.  Here's goes, let's hope he reciprocates my feelings.  That he too wants to journey into the future...with me.

Facebook Status

Today I took a big step in my grief journey.

I changed my Facebook status to widowed.   In 5 days it will be 27 months since Jared died and it finally feels right to change my marital status.  While I will always love Jared, I no longer feel married.  My heart has accepted he is never come back.  That I am truly a widow.

I will always be Jared's widow.  Nothing will change that.  I will always honor him.  Keep his memory alive. Miss him. But, I know now I must move forward. Must cherish my past while building a new life for Steven and I.  Find a way to bring my two worlds together.   Start living life in color again.  Find joy so that my smile reaches my eyes again.  Teach Steven that because of our great grief, we can again find great pleasure in this life again.  That life is a privilege, an adventure meant to be lived.

Changing my Facebook status may seem like a simple thing but for me it is a momentous step.  Finally admitting to the world that I no longer feel married but instead will always be a widow.  That it is time to begin to truly live again while cherishing my past.

Today I took a big step in my grief journey.

Conflicting Emotions

Today is a hard one for me.  No rhyme, no reason just a bad day.  One of those days where I just want to cry.  One of those days where I need to talk to Jared, to hear his advice but of course I can't.  One of those days I need him to tell me it's ok.  

I have so many emotions.  

Sadness because it is another Christmas without Jared.  

Gratitude for all the Christmases we shared.  Joy because I am in a good place right now.  Sorrow because I can't tell Jared about my newfound happiness.  

Worry because this is all new and unknown and I cannot control it.  

Fear that I am moving too fast, too soon.  Angst over trying to make a new relationship work 1000 miles apart.  Concern that the man I'm dating is afraid to tell his daughter about us, despite his valid reasons.  

But surprisingly, I don't feel quilt.

I wish I could share this with Jared because I shared everything with him.  I wish he were here to meet Jon, I think he would approve.  Of course, if Jared were here, I wouldn't have met Jon.

What a conundrum…wanting to tell my late husband about my new love.  The life of a widow...conflicting, crazy emotions.

KO

3 weeks

Has it really only been 3 weeks?!?

3 weeks since a man literally sat down next to me and completely changed my perspective on grief and dating.

3 weeks since this man made me realize I want to be hugged and kissed.

3 weeks since I wanted someone other than my late husband to hold my hand.

3 weeks since I realized I could laugh, really laugh so that my eyes smiled again.

3 weeks since I realized just how lonely I have been for 26 months.

3 weeks since I realized I could be happy with this man and still love Jared.  In fact, this new man understands I will always love Jared.

3 weeks since I realized finding happiness with someone else doesn't lessen my love for Jared, love really does expand your heart.

3 weeks since I learned that someone can want me and not feel threatened by my past but instead actually want to know my grief story.

3 weeks since I went from saying I never wanted to date again to thinking I really hope my relationship with this man blossoms into something wonderful.

3 weeks since our first conversation and we talk for hours each day.

3 weeks since we met and I want to share my new found joy with the world but my practical side says take it slow, don't rush things.

3 weeks since our first kiss and I can't wait for him to kiss me again.

3 weeks since our first hello and surprisingly I don't feel guilty for wanting this relationship.

3 weeks since our chance meeting and sometimes he reminds me of Jared but I never find myself comparing the two.  This new man is wonderful in his own right.

3 weeks since I first felt butterflies in my stomach and safe in his arms.

3 weeks since I unconsciously decided to move forward with this new man and realized it was ok to be vulnerable to potential heartbreak.

3 weeks since he rescued me and already he is such a large part of my thoughts each day.

3 weeks  since we started on this new journey and I am a little scared by all the emotions and feelings I have and I can only hope they are reciprocated.

Has it really only been 3 weeks?!?