Today has opened all my grief wounds.

My 13 year old patient slipped into a coma today.  But as she told her family goodbye, she told her mom to tell me that when she got to heaven she was going to find Jared and give him a kiss from me and tell him how much I miss him.  This sweet sentiment opened the flood gates of my grief.

As my heart breaks for this mother and her sweet angel, the scab on my grief is ripped off and my grief is fresh again.  It has been almost 10 months since Jared went to heaven but today the wounds are as fresh as those first days.  Once again, death sucks.  I never wanted to know this kind of heartache, this kind of pain.  I would never wish this soul wrenching ache on any one else.  This kind of pain, the kind that brings you to your knees when you least expect it, this pain that tears at your soul, this pain that forever changes you. This pain that makes you realize you have no control, that you have to choose to live.  This pain that will never end.

No parent should be preparing to say goodbye to their child.  Just like no 42 year old should bury her husband.  Life isn't fair...death sucks...the heartache can never be explained, only felt.