Lonely Saturday Morning

Today my heart is heavy. And I don't really know why. It's not a special day, not an anniversary of any sort, no special memory to trigger my heart ache. But today my heart just hurts from missing my husband.

Today I just woke up with the ache of missing him. And it's something people who have never suffered great loss cannot understand. Grief comes in waves and sometimes those waves make you think you're going to drown and other times those waves are easy to surf. Even on a good day, a wave can come out of nowhere and just knock you to the ground. Other days the waves come constantly without a break. And some days there are no waves at all.

Saturday morning's conjure up lots of memories. Lazy mornings snuggling in bed, crazy mornings rushing to get ready for football, fun family days.  And I'm missing all of that today. I am just missing him.

Mornings like this, remind me that widow life can be a lonely one. No one special to spend the morning with me. No one special to make plans with. No one special trying to make you laugh. And while I have my little boy to keep me busy, it is definitely not the same. And while I have amazing friends, they have their own families and their own lives. It is mornings like this, with nothing to do and no plans until later, that I realize what an empty space he left in my life.  And I miss him terribly

No Best Friend

When Jared died, I not only lost my husband, I also lost my best friend. And I so miss my best friend. That person I could talk to about anything. That person who would listen and never judge. That person who loved me no matter what.  That person who always know just what to say to make me feel better.

A widow life can be a lonely life.  Often the third wheel. The only person in the room without a partner. Spending your evenings alone. No one to take you on a date Saturday night. And your friends often can't get together with you because they have plans with their spouses and their families.  

That's when I miss my husband the most. The evenings and the weekends. The time that is reserved for couples and families.  The times when something wonderful happens and I want to share the news with my best friend. Or the time that I feel such sorrow that I want my best friend to just tell me it will be ok. The time I just want to chat with my best friend.   And now my best friend is never coming home. I can never talk to him again.

I realize now that when Jared was alive, I didn't put as much time into all of my friendships as I should have because we had each other.  And in the last two years of grieving, I definitely have not focused on my friendships like I should have.  And I guess because of that many of my girlfriends, while still very dear friends have moved on and formed other friendships.  But even if I did have a girlfriend that was my best friend, that could never replace the grief and loss I feel of losing my husband.  He was truly my best friend.  

23 Months

23 months today.  

Which means in 4 weeks,it will be 2 years.

How is that possible?

So much has changed.

And yet, so many things have stayed the same.

23 months today.

Steven started 7th grade.

His 2nd year of middle school.

Another first day you didn't get to see.

He's playing football again.

But he is enjoying it more this year.

Another year you are not here to be his coach.

I'm taking an online creative course.

And using your old drafting table again.

It has been an outlet for my grief...but I know you already know that.

We still talk about you everyday.

We laugh when we think of the sarcastic comments you would make.

Not a day goes by we don't miss you.

We still travel and have a list of must see places.

We wish you were here to make new memories with us.

Our vacations always include you.

I worry I will forget the little things...your laugh, the shade of blue of your eyes, your smell, and the way I felt in your arms.

I worry I am not enough for Steven and somehow I am going to screw it up.

So I pray to get it right and never forget.

Today is 23 months...almost 2 years.

I never thought I would survive your death but I am.

But you knew I would, didn't you?

23 months today.

So many changes.

But one thing will never change, I will always love you.

Loved and Alone

9/22/2014

Thank you to all who came to honor Jared this weekend.  I don't think he had any idea the number of people he touched.
Saying goodbye to my husband was the hardest thing I have ever done and watching our son grieve the loss of his daddy was almost more than I could bear. I don't know how we would have survived this weekend without the love and support of our family and friends.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

Getting to say thank you

10/7/2014

Today I got to thank the paramedic that came to our house the night Jared went home to heaven.  The paramedic was so patient, kind, and respectful to us that night, especially to Steven.  When I thanked him, he told me the way we (my family and friends) were prayful, supportive, and celebrating Jared's life touched him.  He said it was beautiful to witness.  Amazing how Jared continues to touch people's lives.

Blessings After Death

10/9/2014

God is awesome.  Tonight the two Manatee County Sheriff Officers who responded the night Jared got his angel wings came to check on me and Steven.  They said Jared's death was how everyone should leave this world ... surrounded by love.  They said that night touched them both and they wanted Steven to know that there were people who cared for him and would be checking on him.  These two officers talked with Steven and encouraged him to be a good boy and listen to his mom.  They even plan to come to his football practice or game.  The fact that these two men took time to come and check on a little boy and even bring him Gator gifts does my heart good.

6 Weeks

10/28/2014

It's been 6 weeks today and I already feel like you have missed so much.  I'm trusting that God will give me the strength to do this without you.  We miss you more than words can say.