When I married my new beginning, I became a bonus mom. And it is nothing like being a biological mom. It’s actually harder. The dynamics between me and my bonus daughter are completely different than those between my son and I.
My son loves me unconditionally. Because I am his mom. Forgives me when we disagree and argue. Because I am his mom. Just wants me to be happy. Because I am his mom. The bond between us is easy, natural. Because I am his mom.
With my bonus daughter, I feel like I am always on the periphery, never quite fitting in. Because I’m not her mom. I fear if we argue and disagree she will stay angry, choose to no longer be part of our family. Because I’m not her mom. We don’t yet have a bond, haven’t cemented our relationship, don’t quite understand our dynamic. Because I’m not her mom. I fear sees me as nothing more than her dad’s wife. Because I’m not her mom.
We decided to use the term bonus instead of step because none of us liked the negative connotation associated with step-mother. To me, my bonus daughter is the bonus I got when I married her dad. And now I have a new role as her bonus mom. It’s my job to make her feel loved and wanted. Part of our family. Keep the peace. Bonus moms often do the work, make the effort, and get little credit. We do what we do for love instead of acknowledgement.
As I am often reminded, I am not her mom. And I never will be. But I am a parental figure in her life or at least I hope to be. I can never be her mom. I am not trying to replace her mom. I’m not trying to steal her away from her mom. I just want to have my own place in her life. To someday be important to her. To maybe, someday, be more than just her dad’s wife.
Being a bonus mom is hard work. And I’m not perfect at it. But I’m doing my best.
